This is a letter to my dear friend Brandee, because every time I see a new mom having breastfeeding trouble, I want to grab her and hug her and tell her it will all be okay.
Why? Two reasons:
- If you stick with it long enough, it really will all be okay. I pinky swear.
- I’m paying it forward for all the people who supported, encouraged, and advised me through my own breastfeeding struggles. Their words of wisdom were crucial to my success, and every mom deserves to have people like that in her corner.
But all too often, well meaning friends take the easy road and tell the mom to give up. They tell her she’d be happier and more sane if she left the breastfeeding struggle behind. They tell her she should drop the martyrdom and embrace formula feeding to better her mental health. They tell her it’s just another choice – as equal as any other. We know that’s not true, but they say it anyway.
Of course, those people aren’t there later to pay for the formula or make the bottles in the middle of the night.
However, in the short term this can sound like heaven to a mother who’s frustrated, confused, tired, and anxious. When things are looking bleak, many mothers just want someone to give them permission to throw in the towel. In this day and age, if that’s what they’re looking for, they won’t have any trouble finding someone to fulfill that wish. I have sooo been there, and I completely understand it. I really do.
But deep down, I don’t think that women looking for permission to quit breastfeeding really want to quit. If they did, they wouldn’t need anyone’s permission. If they are secure in their choice and they truly believe that breastfeeding is more trouble than it’s worth, then they’ll make the switch and never look back. When we do what we know is right for us personally, nobody else’s judgment can change our mind.
But I believe when a mother is at the end of her rope, cursing breastfeeding, and seeking out someone to tell her to quit, what she’s really saying is “Please don’t give up on me. This is harder than I thought. Please help me make this work.”
One of the more enraging aspects of breastfeeding for a new mother is that it can be very, very hard to get the hang of it. Various factors can make it more or less difficult, and often women aren’t being given the information about the primary or secondary factors contributing to a successful or unsuccessful breastfeeding relationship. Things get tough, but nobody tells the mother why or how to change it. Often when they get to the point that they are willing to reach out for help, the problems have become so compounded that it’s difficult to turn things around. We’ll give them books and instructions, but it’s hard to prepare a mother for what it will really be like. In the breastfeeding process, just like with childbirth, women can be supported and assisted, but at the end of the day only the mother (and baby) can climb that mountain. When a new mother discovers this the hard way, it can make her feel alone, vulnerable, and angry. She wants to know why nobody told her it would be hard, and that’s a very valid question.
Here’s my answer: Honestly, I think we all just forgot.
Again, like childbirth, breastfeeding can be a major challenge physically and mentally, but once you overcome the obstacles, it’s pretty easy to forget that it ever sucked in the beginning (no pun intended.) For the great majority of us, breastfeeding becomes truly joyful, and it’s just as easy to have Breastfeeding Amnesia as it is Childbirth Amnesia. Most women recount breastfeeding as purely blissful, almost completely forgetting there were any kinks in the beginning. When pressed, sure, they may remember the plugged ducts or cracked nipples, but for mothers who stuck it out, those things do not define breastfeeding to them. In fact, in all my time spent talking about breastfeeding with women all over the internet, I have never heard a mother, who’s nursed a baby 12 full months, say that she wished she hadn’t. Never. We don’t see mothers nurse a baby for a year and then choose formula feeding for their next baby. But I’ve seen plenty of mothers regret formula feeding (including myself), and make it a point to get the help they need to make breastfeeding work for their next baby. The reality is, once you switch to formula feeding, there is no going back. Your choice is taken away. You’re stuck with it for the duration of that baby’s first year, whether you like buying formula or not.
When I quit breastfeeding my first son, I didn’t need anybody to tell me it was okay to stop (though plenty of people did.) I just quit, and ultimately I regretted it deeply, not because society judged me, but because I felt like I missed out on something truly special.
I knew I wanted to breastfeed my second boy, and from the moment he came out he was latched to me like a vampire. Still though, we had a rough start because the pediatrician didn’t think my nearly 10 lb newborn was putting on enough weight (eyeroll). I got terrible advice. They told me what I was doing was wrong, and I, once again, felt betrayed by my body. I doubted everything about myself, and I asked my friends “Why Can’t It Just Work?”
Thankfully I had people in my life who didn’t say to me “Oh Gina, this is too much burden on you – nobody will care if you quit.” That wasn’t even an option for them. They weren’t going to let me down like that. They knew I was crying out for help, so instead they said to me “You’re doing great! That ped doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Here’s some great information to help you regain your confidence that you are doing exactly the right thing for your baby. Stay the course, my friend!”
And they were right. It worked. Here we are two years later, and I honestly cannot remember what it felt like for breastfeeding to be difficult. In fact, it’s one of my most foolproof parenting tools. I don’t know what I’d do without it.
Of course this is NOT to put down any mother who decided to formula-feed. If a mother makes an informed choice and is happy with it (and doesn’t run around trying to sabotage other mothers) then she doesn’t need me to tell her it’s okay. She should know it’s okay for her. And if breastfeeding doesn’t ultimately work for my friend, I will support her all the day is long.
But until a new mother decides for herself that breastfeeding isn’t her bag, I will assume that anyone even trying to nurse really wants to make it work, and I will give them all the support I can possibly muster, in any way, shape, or form they need it. I know what it’s like to be there, and though I cannot do it for them, I will try my hardest to help her feel that she is not alone. In fact, I will remind her that she is now part of a network of billions of women who have tapped into a part of their womanhood that is indescribable to an outsider.
As for my Friend, I foresee that she will ultimately be successful, she’ll forget all about her struggles just like the rest of us do, and when a friend comes to her in two years time, pulling her hair out over breastfeeding, she’ll probably say to her “You can do it – and here’s how I’ll help you.”
Because that is the kind of awesome person she is.
_____________________________________________
Got any words of encouragement for Brandee, and all new moms like her? Stories? Tips? Things that helped you through? There may be just one certain thing she needs to hear that could help her get over the hump.
I really loved this post about breastfeeding. As a new mom to a four month old, I have come to love breastfeeding after the initial shock and despair that came with it. After getting through that first week and a half, I finally realized that sticking through it was the right thing to do. My husband was also super encouraging, when I was yelling at him...."I can't do this..."
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