Personally, I think the whole gender neutral thing is a bit much. Human beings simply are not and never will be gender neutral. Boys are boys and girls are girls and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Boys and girls ARE biologically different and I don't want to program all the "male-ness" out of my (not yet 2 year old) son. I'd rather teach my son that there's plenty good about being a boy, and that neither boys nor girls are superior. If I had a daughter, I'd want her to grow up relishing in all that makes her female and not having to apologize for or feel less than for playing with "girly" toys.

If he chooses to play with or do "girly" things, I'll raise him to know that that's totally ok, too.

As for kids liking what you surround them with (aka decorating their room and they wind up loving safari animals) - that's a wild card. I was all about robots and monsters when my son was born. He's not interested. He wound up being completely obsessed with cars, of his own volition. Why would I want to "neutralize" something that's he's naturally interested in?

A vanity is truly just a piece of furniture. It becomes "girly" when adults force meaning unto it. Just call it a "bureau" then.

My friend has a 3 year old daughter. She (my friend) is NOT girly and was all about punk rock baby clothes. However, her daughter has a mind of her own and grew into going nuts over princess dresses, anyway. Would it be fair to deny her princess dresses if that's what she wants, just because her mom is against it? Or is it better to give her the princess dress along with some "empowering princess" stories?

My advice is embrace your girly side and let your daughter enjoy a gift from Grandpa. Sometimes I struggle with the lack of "girly" support I got from my parents growing up but when I see my two year old daughter walking around with purses and acting more girly than ME I realize what others are saying: listen to your daughter when she is old enough to tell you what she wants and support her in her endeavors even if they aren't what you had envisioned. As I'm sure you know with 3 kids of your own, each child teaches you something new about yourself. It's totally okay to have such strong feelings about the vanity. I hope you can feel at peace with "going with the flow" with your new sweet precious baby girl.

It actually surprises me that you have put so much on this furniture. I thought much more about the clothes... I figured you losened up on the gender neutral parenting thing when you had a girl. I see lots of pink and frills and now tutus that you didn't dress your boys in :) What's a peice of furniture? I see that you are thinking of using it as an art desk. Great idea! I was going to say that if you always wanted one, why don't you use this one as your own? Then if Jolene ever shows interest in wanting one, you can give it to her.

As I child, I never thought of my vanity as a place to make myself pretty. Yes, I did use the mirror to put on makeup sometimes, (although I usually used the bathroom for that) but to me, it was just a desk with a mirror.

I think if Jolene was to end up preferring something, it will probably be trees, owls, and nice, white furniture.

My daughter has a vanity. It's a really nice antique we found by the side of the road. The mirror on hers folds down to create a cubby space, and she uses it as an art table in her room.

Honestly? You've always wanted one. I say you keep it....in your room. When she's old enough, maybe move it into hers. Or, maybe don't.

I can relate!
I do think you have some power over the situation. No one said you have to use it as a traditional vanity.
If she doesn't see a vanity used for "vanity" only it won't have that pretty, pretty princess power. Don't read books/watch movies with the lady becoming perfect in her vanity, don't put the classic silver hair brushes and accessories on the shelves, don't use it for vanity in any way.
I see a lovey piece of furniture that she could very well love. It also looks like a great play space, i think my daughter (21 months)would love to sit, drive cars and make her people dance on the "stage" that is in front of those mirrors.
She may get to the vanity's original purpose on her own one day, but at least you'd know she got there without shitty cultural references.

I think it's beautiful and it's your choice how you think of it. If you want it to represent vanity and anti-feminism then it can.

Or it can represent you giving your daughter things you could only dream of. It can represent imagination and self discovery. Let the boys dress up in front of it and put on face paint or whatever they like in the mirror.

If it really bothers you then you should get rid of it, but I think objects only have as much power as we give them.

You say you wouldn't put the vanity in the boys' room, but why not? (Quick digression: I never considered it -- I rarely talk about vanities, but geez that term gets my own feminist identity all kinds of riled up! Down with calling that piece of furniture a vanity, fer sure. Ok, carrying on..)

Gendered things stop having the power to invoke 'appropriate'/annoying (and, let's face it, oppressive) gender roles when we refuse to let them be gendered. Just like your boys play with dolls and high heels, they'd probably love having that piece of furniture, too. It's a nice design and besides, mirrors are fun. They don't have to be about being vain or putting on your make-up or fixing your hair, they can be about making funny faces or playing pretend in the world beyond the looking glass.. If the boys used it first, later on, when they get new furniture or Jolene's old enough to like the dresser with the mirror, they could hand it down to their little sister. And maybe by then it will have lost its ability to mock your feminist identity. :)

I certainly feel your pain. Vanities *are* bothersome. But it'd be such a bummer if we feminists had to do away with all the cool pieces of furniture we love (and get for free! Score!) just because of the anti-feminist things they symbolize. If we can find some way of re-branding what they symbolize, we can have our feminist identities *and* our awesome dressers with mirrors.

Replace the stool with a laundry hamper and add a couple of little baskets to hold things like diapering supplies, or baby socks, to the dropped down center section and suddenly you have a non-gendered piece of furniture, additional storage AND a place for the laundry hamper to live.

I have a hard time parting with good furniture as well, and it IS a beautiful piece. I'd be just as conflicted as you are about it.

If it makes you feel better, my son had a jungle theme nursery and ended up absolutely obsessed with rockets (ha!). I also had a vanity, and never even learned to french braid my own hair. I did use it, however, to play Holy Communion, which is certainly more bizarre and probably more disturbing. But no vanity could overshadow my obsession with horses. Why horses? I don't know. I feel in love with them as a teeny toddler, and spent many of my teenage weekend mornings preparing for shows in a dark, dirty barn--quintessentially girly activity, shockingly strenuous job. I think kids just like what they like and whether it's the boy who loves Barbie or the girl who loves tractors, there's almost nothing parents can do to convince them otherwise.

In my opinion it really depends on what your goal is as a feminist. Do you want to eradicate all traces of masculinity and feminity from your children? If so, one can argue that you've failed in that aspect by giving them gendered names. To truly raise a child gender-neutral, ideally their room should be decorated in beige with only utilitarian furniture. Their toys should be formless, shapeless blobs as to not impose any preconceived notions of what the play thing is. Of, course I am being a bit tounge-in-cheek here but not by much.

Like it or not, the world is gendered. You and HH are gendered. The whole Animal Kingdom is gendered. Heck, even plants are gendered. Having a gender is not an issue but how others perceive those genders are. I fully agree with a PP that said that imposing a different stereotype is just as bad as enforcing an established stereotype. I think we all strive to raise our kids "gender-neutral" but maybe we should focus more on raising our kids to be good "menschen."

So to answer your question, you are making too much of the vanity. Having a vanity will not make or break your child, but how you teach them and what influences you give your children will.

The vanity is very pretty and very girly. Maybe a creative solution like covering the mirror with a sky print window decal and make a "window box" garden for the front of it, would take away that image obbsesed girly feature of a vanity. There are probably a million things you could make the vanity into while leaving the option of the original vanity for her when she gets older and not having to worry if you conditioned her into being "girly".

Personally I love the vanity and don't see it as overly girly at all. Honestly I believe that your purposeful intentions of raising your children in a gender neutral environment will completely outweigh the possible anti-feminist outcomes that a piece of furniture can convey. Look at it as more of a teaching tool than a vanity. It can be used to teach all three of your children how you can easily take something that was intended for one purpose (girly makeup and vain activities) and use that something (the vanity) for a purpose that better suits your family (book or art storage or activity desk). I would even consider getting some cork material and covering the frame of the mirror in cork so that artwork can be tacked there.

Alright, I'm going to go out on a limb here and plant a thought. Feel free to agree or disagree, but what I'm about to say is a reflection of my own damage.

My mom did her best to raise us in a pretty gender-neutral way. I don't disagree or fault her for that. I rather appreciate it. I aspired to raising my son in a similar manner. If he wants to wear a princess dress, earrings, a tiara, he may. In fact, I have photographic evidence. ;) He also LOVES science and robots and rockets and space and all of those sorts of things.

But one thing I know from my own experience... in trying SO HARD to not to raise us to be girly girls, my mom did things like not let us have vanities or not allow us to wear makeup or not allow us to stand and admire ourselves in the mirror. I appreciate her teaching us the value of our brains over outward beauty, but something that should have been good for my self esteem ended up making me overly self-conscious of my appearance and led to a really flawed body-/self-image. In spending all of her time reinforcing the importance of INNER beauty, she neglected to let us know that not only was it OKAY to be beautiful on the OUTSIDE TOO, she forgot to tell us we ARE beautiful on the outside. It's okay to be a feminist and be feminine. The two are not mutually exclusive. You know as well as I do that there is a great deal of power to be had in femininity.

I think taking down the mirror, while well intentioned, *could* send the wrong message. I'd be more inclined to move the vanity to a common play area for the time being so that the boys can admire themselves at dress up time too. ;) Then, when Jolene is older, if she takes to it, she can have it in her room. By then the boys will probably want nothing to do with it anyway.

But there's nothing wrong with wanting to keep it. And there's nothing anti-feminist about keeping it, IMHO. It's just a piece of furniture. She (and you) can use it for whatever she wants.

So here's my two cents: save this picture of the vanity as it is (this will be important later in Jolene's life). Then, let the boys go to town with paint and decorate the "desk" for their sis. Or maybe use stencils to give it a design matching her room. Change the drawer pulls. Cover the mirrors using wrapping paper and double-sided tape. Use single-color paper and you can then tape up posters, pictures, or even write on it. Later, when she's older, she can choose to put it back the way it was (using the picture), or redo it in her own style.

Mostly, I agree with Beth about how the parenting you and HH provide will overcome the tiny bit of gender stereotyping you feel this furniture may bring with it.

2 first reactions.
1. I always wanted one.
2. Cover the mirrors with Chalkboard contact paper and use it as an art station for now.

and a third idea.
3. Store all your kids dress up clothes here.

I asked myself, "Why is this specifically for girls?" And what I thought immediately: Because it has a big honking mirror on it. And girls are expected to sit in front of mirrors worrying/admiring/fussing/improving/dreaming/criticizing/indulging over and in their looks.

So my suggestion, especially considering that this is for the room of a *baby*, is that you take off the mirror. Then us the top of the dresser for cute baby pictures, knicknacks, stuffed animals, or stacks of diapers.

I wouldn't worry too much. My sister and I grew up wearing frilly dresses with ribbons when we were babies/young children. At some point I guess I wanted short hair, and from then on I was a tomboy. My sister was always the girly one, but I was a tomboy to the point of being sickened by pink. It took me a long time to be able to admit that I actually liked some kinds of girly things. It was a hard transition for me to show this outwardly as I felt I had chosen the path of being a tomboy and that was what I'd be expected of. Pretty silly, but I have a weird way of thinking.
I think what a baby (1-4) likes will have not much influence on the rest of their lives. The important thing is to make sure your children know that they should be comfortable in doing whatever it is they please, I mean unless it's harmful to themselves or others (bullying, stuff like that).

Perhaps at a young age children identify with what they know, but as their world expands so do their likes and dislikes. I wish my daughter was a princessy little thing that would dress up in frilly tu-tus and wear her hair a certain way... and she did... when she was 2. But she's 6 now and she's all about rock and roll and hardcore divaishness and a punk style that doesn't match or mesh with my idea of a girly girl. I didn't introduce that to her. She found it on her own. After she was in ballet for 2 months she didn't want ballet, she wanted hip hop -- that was at 4 years old. She doesn't want twinkle toes, she wants converse. And so on...

In the end our little people are going to be who they're going to be no matter what! Even with a vanity in her room you can teach her to change her own oil and tires. You can make sure she knows how to support herself without depending on a man, but you can also make sure she knows how to put on her make-up in a way that flatters her. And who knows... your baby girl may grow up and think the vanity is stupid and want to have a drum set in that corner of the room instead.

Honestly Mama, I think you're over thinking this. Seriously, give yourself a break. I don't think whether or not she has a pretty peice of furniture will ruin her for life. I know that's not what you're thinking exactly (or at least I hope not).

I don't think the items/toys/belongings a child has matters as much as what you actually teach/preach to them.

For example, juse because my daughter has a pink race car, and some day may own barbies or baby dolls, OR if she prefers trains rockets, or whatever the heck other toys she wants doesn't mean we are for/against gender stereotypes. I think sterotyping someone for stereotyping is just as bad ;) You weren't raised gender neutral (I don't think) and you still turned out awesome.

As far as I see it, I pay the damn rent at my house, and until she gets herself a job, I get to choose what furniture goes in her room.

When she starts talking I can consider her request for things but I'm not spending bookoo money cause cause she wants the latest and greatest ____. It was a gift, it's gorgeous, love it without hestitation, please! Or if you change your mind, I'd be happy to take it off your hands ;)

PS: I was watching Toddlers and Tiaras, and while the show and what they do to these kids gives me the creeps, I've seen a few families on there with pageant boys. I doubt they put princess themed and pageant bedding in his room when he was a baby, yet they each decided that's what they wanted to do. I guess you can call these parents "gender neutral" for allowing him to participate in a traditionally "girl" competition, but really, they're just as weird to me as any other family that puts their kids in pageants.

Ok, this comment is long enough.

It's beautiful! I always wanted one as a child too. I like the idea of a desk with a mirror. I vote for keep it :)

Like Beth, I totally understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, while I was reading this my heart sank at the thought of getting rid of that beautiful vanity.

When I was about 14, I inherited my mom's antique vanity, which she no longer had any use for. I did put on my makeup in front of it, and fixed my hair, but mostly because it had a chair and I was too lazy to stand in front of the bathroom mirror. I also did my homework at it, wrote poems and stories at it, covered the surface in candles and incense, used it as storage for my many books, etc. If it had been in my possession when I was younger, I certainly would have used it for art projects and the like.

So, I don't think the vanity will ruin your goals for raising Jolene, especially because you are so conscious of what the vanity represents. It really is a lovely piece of furniture!

Beth has a good suggestion of thinking of it as a desk with a mirror. There's nothing explicitly feminine about the design other than the name, really - the mirror has a lovely shape to it, but there aren't any curlicues or flowers or things like that that scream out girly-girl expectations.

Maybe paint it a bright primary color? Would that help?

I would have been thrilled to have such a piece as a kid, and I loathed the least suggestion of anything girly.

Oh boy do I hear you on this one. I desperately wanted a vanity when I was a kid an never got one because it was completely unnecessary. I think it's possibly for girls to want/have girly things and still be balanced; after all two of my favorite things were wearing beautiful dresses and climbing trees (preferably with a book to read while I was up there). If I were you I'd just take the mirror off and put it away for a while. Then it really is just a desk, you haven't wasted anything and if she does want a vanity down the road you've still got it.

I think your heart is in the right place and I think it's awesome that you are making such a conscience effort not to force gender specific items on your kids. But I also think you should keep the vanity. I just don't think one piece of furniture is going to undo everything else you are teaching.

I have an antique vanity and the mirror is detachable. Is yours? If the vanity aspect of it really bothers you, detach the mirror for now and just leave it as a desk. Then once Jolene is older, you can talk to her about adding the mirror. :)

I was reading this, understanding exactly where you're coming from, but wanting to reassure you to keep it rather than chuck it. I couldn't figure out why, until I got to the last bit, about Jolene using it to build model airplanes - then I remembered that I had a vanity, and I'm the least girly-girl you can imagine.

Mine even had a white fluffy stool that went with it. But I used the mirror as a noticeboard, the drawers to store stationery and art equipment. I used it to do my homework on, and to paint model horses (okay, slightly more stereotypically girls than airplanes), to write at, read at, I kept a fish in a bowl on it, and covered it with a ridiculous number of candles when I was a teenager. I don't think I ever sat at it and brushed my hair.

Regardless - Jolene has you as her Mom. She's going to be brought up understanding stereotyping, and equality, and valuing almost everything else before wearing pink and looking pretty. Unless you make a habit of sitting before your own vanity and languidly brushing your hair for hours on end, she wont have that behaviour to emulate.

Remove the title of vanity, and see it as a desk with a mirror ;)

I understand where you're coming from with gender neutral parenting however, I don't think there's anything wrong with placing a vanity in your daughter's room. Heck, you don't need to call it a vanity! Who says you need to put brushes and dress-up clothes in those drawers? Fill it with puzzles, toys, turn it into an art desk or anything you like! If the thought of having it in your daughter's room really bugs you, have you considered putting it in another room of the house? Kids love using there imagination, I bet your boys could come up with some pretty creative things to do at that "vanity."

I personally think that if she's going to grow up to identify with another gender, she'll let you know it whether you put a vanity in her bedroom or not. I don't believe you can create a gender identity or a sexual orientation. Otherwise, children who grow up in super conservative households would never come out. The important thing is that you listen to her when she can tell you her interests and support her in whatever she wants to do, wear, or decorate her room. It's a beautiful piece of furniture, and if she doesn't want to comb her hair or powder her nose in front of it, you could always refinish it and turn it into a tool cabinet or something one day. Right now she's just a baby, and it's a nice piece of furniture. That's all.