Okay, I'm not actually afraid – I don't think I want to.  Ever.  Ever.  EVER again.  Somebody brought up birth control today and all I could think was "here's my birth control – there is no fucking way he's ever putting that thing in me again!!!"  I am totally traumatized.

I can't even bring myself to look or touch that area.  From what I can tell it feels like raw meat stitched together with piano strings.

John's seen it, and he says it looks exactly the same as it always did, and while that may be the case, I can't imagine it ever feeling the same.

I'm convinced that my cervix/uterus (along with most of my internal organs) are hanging right out of there.  I dunno… maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't torn wide open.  And for the record I TOTALLY blame the tearing on that retarded ass position they had me in.  While I was laying there, I kept trying to tell the staff that I did NOT want them holding my damn legs behind my head, but I couldn't catch my breath long enough to say anything.

Anyway…. I lost most of my whorish sex drive after Jonas came… I'm not even sure how we got knocked up the second time to be honest.  But this time it's worse.  I think I'd really be okay with never having sex again for as long as I live.  I'm just done with it.  We have two babies… no need to mate any more.  I'd probably be okay with John employing those services elsewhere, so long as he came home afterwards and helped me with his kids.

Hmmpphh.