December 21st, 2009
Backseat Parents: Kick Them Out of the Car
As my 3 yr old enters a new challenging stage, I seem to have exhausted all my usual parenting tools and techniques trying to manage his behavior. I love my son, and he’s normally a very sweet, adorable boy. But sometimes – man – the mouth on this kid!
Me: Jonas, stop jumping on the bed please, you can hurt yourself
Jonas: No! I don’t want to!
Me: Jonas, Mommy told you to stop jumping on the bed
Jonas: I TOLD YOU NO! *jump, jump, jump*
Me: Jonas, I’m going to count to three, 1… 2…. 3
Jonas: You don’t count to me!
Me: Okay, THAT’S IT JONAS! GET IN THE TIME OUT CHAIR!
Jonas: I DON’T WANT A TIME OUT, NOoooOOOO!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME *screaming, kicking, more back talking, etc, etc, etc.*
I really try to pick my battles with him, but jumping on the bed is something that is bound to end with an emergency room visit someday, and I just want to keep him safe. There is no reasoning with these children though. It doesn’t matter how many times they fall and hit their head, they’ll keep going back for more.
The worst part of this is that he’s teaching this behavior to his little brother. Now, my 19 mo. old thinks that it’s hi-LArious to say “NO!” to everything I say. It hasn’t gotten completely out of hand with him yet, but I really fear what will happen if I cannot get Jonas’s behavior under control soon. He is not setting a good example for his baby brother.
And what always makes me feel worse is that I know there are people out there who’ll try to blame all this behavior on my shoddy parenting skills. One person will tell me that it’s practically child abuse to punish a child for bad behavior, and yet another person will tell me I’m raising a serial killer because I cannot keep this child’s back-talking in check. So many people seem to think they can do a better job. I like to call these people “backseat parents.”
The two groups I find to be guiltiest of the “backseat parenting” are the hardcore crunchy/AP crowd, or those who have never parented a pre-schooler. It seems that I can very rarely do anything right in the eyes of these two groups. Well, you know what they say about opinions and assholes.
In my limited experience, there is no one right way to parent a child. What I found out by having a second baby is that kids are very, very different. My two boys are sometimes polar opposites – and if they can be that different having the same genetic makeup, then imagine how different children of other families/ communities/cultures/races/religions are.
I want to parent thoughtfully, and with an open mind. But it seems in doing that, I also let in a lot of chatter that makes me question whether I’ll ever be any good at this parenting gig. It also seems that that these “backseat parents” offer very little wiggle room in their dogmatic philosophies. Some will tell me that punishments and yelling will cause irreversible damage to my child. He will grow up with no self-esteem, have brain damage, and live in a psychiatric ward. Then others will tell me that I’m letting this child walk all over me, and I better get a handle on it before he turns into one of those asshole teenagers that hits his mother and kicks tiny puppies.
So, I’m left feeling frustrated, helpless, guilt-ridden, and ultimately like an epic parenting failure. I have to wonder, what in the world did parents do before the books and blogs telling them how to raise their child? There were no parenting books in the times of the Greek or Romans, nor were there any mommies writing blogs and claiming to have parenting PhD’s. But I’m certain there were 3 yr olds back then – and I bet many of them tried talking back to their mommies. I choose to think about those ancient children when I tell myself, “Gina, do whatever works for your family.”
No two babies are born to be parented the same exact way. Not every single baby was born to co-sleep, nor were they all born to sleep in a crib in another room. Not every single child will respond to Time-Outs or “1,2,3 Magic”, and not every child will stop jumping on the bed with a simple please.
All each of us can do is what works for our family at any given moment. If you love your children, hug your children, worry about your children, and care how they grow up, then you are probably already a great parent. I’m sure your kids would rather have you than a whole lot of other people. So please join me in shaking off the judgment, and choosing to face the next parenting battle with confidence and grace.
Now let’s all kick those “backseat parents” out of the car – preferably at a high rate of speed.
Click to Leave a Comment
I'm so with you on this one. I remember researching parenting styles before becoming a mom like it was choosing a degree, or something. I thought, "Hey, that AP stuff sounds good. I mean, I want to wear my baby, sure… and I want to do cloth diapers… and I'm hoping to go med free… and wood toys! Yeah! I think I'll be an AP style mom." Then I became a mom, and you know what? I didn't fit the mold no matter how hard I tried. I hated co-sleeping, and so did my son. I found a deep, passionate love for Dr. Ferber when my son was 7 months old. Babywearing lost it's appeal to me after he got past 23 lbs and was kicking me every time I tried to put him in the Ergo.
But at the same time, I'm not going to spank my kid, I'm not going to force him to clean his plate every night, I still have him rear facing in the car, and I get all sorts of weird looks for that.
Someone told me a long time ago to stop, just stop reading the books… that I was reading the intuition right out of me. So I've tried really hard lately to just listen to my head and my heart for what feels right for us. Doesn't mean that I haven't found my fair share of great advice from others, but ultimately, I have to remember it always comes back to what works for US. So yeah, eff them, those Judgey McJudgersons. Get the hell out of my car.
[Reply]
I hear you Jill! I find that I’m so in the middle on certain things that I’ll never really fit in with any one group. And I suppose that’s just fine by me.
[Reply]
I love this post! Aaaaa-men! My new goal for 2010 is to be confident in my mothering. I need to remind myself that no other mother knows my son like I do, and I have the right and the responsibility to make whatever parenting decisions I believe will work for him.
[Reply]
Thanks Maya! Let's both make that our New Year's resolution!
[Reply]
My policy is: anybody that fails to acknowledge that parenting belongs to the private/intimate sphere and feels free to offer an opinion, does not deserve to have a tongue.. and I treat them like they don't have one.. Staring at them giving no sings of acknowledgement that there are words coming out of their mouths is part of my new 'parenting entertainment', now that going to a bar or the movies is no longer an option, one has to get creative.
[Reply]
I love this post! I have been judged by so many people on my parenting. I may feel sorry for the babies who aren't getting the best but I am not going to judge the parents and point out all their faults to them.
People think I am nuts for wanting to teach my own son, or letting him self wean, or keeping him rear facing in his car seat or wearing him in my moby wrap. Or not getting a "baby bucket" car seat to begin with.
I especially heard how crazy I was when I decided that natural child birth for my second child, after doing the whole hospital drugs and all thing with the first. "What no epidural?!" Heck no! I decided a long time ago not to listen to anybody but me unless I asked a specific question. I feel that my family is better for it. I have also found since I stopped listening they stopped "parenting".
[Reply]
I try to keep in mind that many adults I know who are perfectly normal and well-adjusted people are the result of parenting tactics I would never use. Kids are resilient, and no two children or parents are the same. As long as you're doing your best (most of the time) and legitimately trying to parent with some thought, I think you're golden. There is value in knowing your own limits and boundaries, and having a rough plan, but it's not always going to work out even with those things and that has to be OK. Parents are only human, too, after all.
As for Jonas, he sounds like a pretty normal 3-year-old to me. Go easy on yourself, and know that he's going to outgrow all of this eventually. And in the meantime, it's not your fault one way or the other. Kids are their own (sort of insane) little people, and there's only so much you can do with that.
[Reply]
You are so right! I posted a problem…more out of frustrated venting than anything, a couple of weeks ago about my 16 year old. Some of the responding comments were helpful and reassuring…one neagtive one though actually made me cry because it confirmed the feelings of failure that I already had.
Kids are emotional terrorists…our own children act and treat us in ways that we would never allow someone else to.
Now how do I get these "backseat parents" into the car with me??
[Reply]
Oh, I think the sheer vulnerable state of parenting makes us all susceptible to the car-jacking. J
[Reply]
Hilarious. I actually meant how do I get these "backseat parents" into the car with me…so I could throw them out at a high rate of speed.
But it came across wrong!
(I also do know how to spell "negative")
[Reply]
Jonas sounds completely normal. That was a period in my eldest's life when I began calling him "Pierre," after the character in the Maurice Sendak book who kept saying, "I don't care" until that response landed him inside the belly of a lion. I still call him Pierre sometimes … at 15, "I don't care" becomes the equally infuriating, "Whatever."
[Reply]
Kick ass post Gina. My oldest at 5 is still doing this. She gets very oppositional when I ask her to do practically anything and of course the 2.5 year old is gleefully copying her every back-talking word. And as their mother I have not figured it out. I have no words of wisdom, I just have small tufts of hair lying around the house from pulling it out of my own head!
[Reply]
Man…. Don't I know about this. Night before last, my 8 month old would only sleep in 20 minute increments. She only does this when she's not feeling well or going through a growth spurt. I posted on Facebook about it, just venting and letting people know that I was testy that day due to lack of sleep, and immediately got this response:
"First of all, you need to quit sleeping with that child. She should be in her own bed where she can cry all she wants and then go back to sleep on her own. Second, you need to load up a bottle full of rice water and make her chug that down before bedtime. That'll fill her stomach and keep her from waking up so often. BTW, when are you gonna start formula? I bet your boobs are sagging by now!"
Okay… the saggy boobs bit was thrown in by me, but every thing else (up to and including the "when are you gonna start formula?" part) is verbatim. I would have immediately unfriended the person saying this had she not been my sister-in-law (who will start an unending war of drama over that).
I get crap from my mom too about sleeping with Kairi and about my plans to breastfeed beyond the first year. Look – I don't judge anyone else for the way they parent their kids. I'm certainly not militant about my choices and I don't force them upon others. But I keep getting hit upside the head with comments like, "Rice water will cure that! She doesn't need breastmilk at night!" I just want to punch people sometimes.
[Reply]
Omg, I would have defriended that person in less than a NY minute. That sucks that somebody said that to you. I'd get all stabby on their ass.
[Reply]
Let me add another group to your list of "worst" backseat parents: Family members, especially grandparents. Especially those who think that "agreeing to disagree" somehow still includes them harping on why we're doing every little thing wrong. Ugh.
[Reply]
Family members can often be the absolute worst. And they think the virtue of being related to you means they get a seat in the vehicle. Kick 'em out!
[Reply]
Heh- another backseat parenting group would be those with an infant and no other kids- "well, my child will never have a tantrum because I'm breastfeeding/co-sleeping/sleep training/whatever". My kids are all pretty different, and call for different approaches. I think the best thing we can do for other parents is be present and available and supportive- keeping the "tips" to ourselves, or our helpful blog posts 
[Reply]
Thanks Amy – yes, that's what I meant by "those who have never parented a pre-schooler." I think some people think they've got this parenting gig all figured out when the child is a baby – but that's because babies are EASY compared to a child who is mobile and able to calculate. Once that child turns 2, all bets are off.
[Reply]
How is your parenting style not AP? You are imposing rules and teaching your children the consequences of their actions. That is VERY AP –AP is all about respecting your child, and you are, by teaching him it is not safe to jump on the bed.
And yes, there are different ways to raise children, and what works for one wont for another. We adapt. That is still very AP.
*hugs*
Just remember, this too shall pass. In no time, he will ease up on the boundary testing and start listening again… until he becomes a teen that is 
[Reply]
Andy, I never said my style wasn't "AP." I do consider myself AP in the broadest sense of the term, but I will not label myself as an attachment parent because I don't like labels, and because I don't like pigeon-holing my parenting into one box. It's the people who think "AP" means never, ever disciplining a child (and yes, they certainly do exist, and write whole articles about it) that I consider to be the most judgmental and narrow minded.
[Reply]
*standing ovation*
I'm going to file this under the "totally freakin' awesome" category of blog posts.
It is so, so easy to internalize others' judgments your parenting, even if their judgments aren't directed specifically at you. And it can be so, so difficult to rid oneself of the unnecessary guilt that those judgments can cause. I think that reading your post can be a great way to start ridding oneself of this, guilt, however!!!
[Reply]
Thanks Kristen. This is a work-in-progress for me. I'm hoping that just by putting this out in the universe that it will manifest itself into a reality for me. I'll let you know how that works out.
[Reply]
My 19-month-old got so upset when I said "no" to him today that he flung himself on the floor, began *licking* the linoleum, and then ran into the living room where he stole a puzzle piece from his brother and then threw it in the toilet. (I hope everyone out there knows that toddlers can do this shit at LIGHTNING SPEED.)
Re-reading your post erased any and all guilt I felt over a) possibly raising some "bad seeds" and b) RAISING MY VOICE JUST A LITTLE BIT.
So at least the truth of your post is manifesting itself into a reality in my universe. And I thank you for that.
[Reply]
I don't know who coined the "terrible two" phrase, I found my 3yo son to be much more challenging.
His favorite comeback was "I would like to throw you in the garbage!" It always seemed to be around issues of safety. Like, HE couldn't possibly get injured trying to climb the post on our four post bed and so on. He's four now, the throwing of adults into the garbage bin has stopped and now he questions us when we tell him to stop because his actions could lead to injury/death/pain/breakage of things belonging to others.
Healthy questioning of authority.
Keep picking your battles and you will eventually find the right combination of "stop before you kill yourself" that works for you and your family.
[Reply]
OMG! I call the 3’s the “tyrannical threes.” And would you believe that Dr. Sears wrote a whole article about 3’s being easier, according to him? That man is out of his mother-effing mind sometimes. Dude, if 3’s are supposed to be easier, then I am definitely doing it wrong! http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060900.asp
[Reply]
OMG! I call the 3’s the “tyrannical threes.” And would you believe that Dr. Sears wrote a whole article about 3’s being easier, according to him? That man is out of his mother-effing mind sometimes. Dude, if 3’s are supposed to be easier, then I am definitely doing it wrong! http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060900.asp
[Reply]
Then there's the fiercesome fours. Yep those were fun.
[Reply]
NOOOO! 4 is even worse than 3?!
Yeah 4 year old boys, in my experience, think they're even more invincible than ever.
My son is currently in the sarcastic sevens – but those can be hilarious.
Sarcastic sevens… Thank you for that, it is much nicer than what I was calling them. ;p (j/j)
But the sevens are a mouthy age, aren't they!
Meh, after almost 8 years of this parenting gig, 6 of them by myself i'll never have it sussed.
[Reply]
amen sister, thanks so much -i feel the same damn way! i also have two boys who are sometimes polar opposites.
[Reply]
I call them the “Frustrating fours”. My oldest was a pretty easy 4 year old. My middle is driving us crazy. He doesn’t argue or fight, he just acts completely deaf if he dislikes what we’ve said. I’m at my wits end with him & hoping the baby gets it over with when he’s 2.
[Reply]
Listen, I want to hear from you - I really do. And if you're being nice to me, I encourage you to leave eleventy-billion comments. But for realzies - don't be mean to me or anybody else here. I mean seriously, do not make me use the delete button, because I will. Oh, I will.
AvatarsThe avatars that are shown are via Gravatar. If you do not have one associated with your email address it will show a default image, however I suggest you sign up to get one since many blogs use this feature!
Commenting Additions You may use the following mark-up within your comments. I only permit XHTML mark-up at this time. Line breaks are converted automatically.(<em> <del> <strong> <pre> <code> <blockquote>)
