As my 3 yr old enters a new challenging stage, I seem to have exhausted all my usual parenting tools and techniques trying to manage his behavior. I love my son, and he’s normally a very sweet, adorable boy. But sometimes – man – the mouth on this kid!
Me: Jonas, stop jumping on the bed please, you can hurt yourself
Jonas: No! I don’t want to!
Me: Jonas, Mommy told you to stop jumping on the bed
Jonas: I TOLD YOU NO! *jump, jump, jump*
Me: Jonas, I’m going to count to three, 1… 2…. 3
Jonas: You don’t count to me!
Me: Okay, THAT’S IT JONAS! GET IN THE TIME OUT CHAIR!
Jonas: I DON’T WANT A TIME OUT, NOoooOOOO!!! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME *screaming, kicking, more back talking, etc, etc, etc.*
I really try to pick my battles with him, but jumping on the bed is something that is bound to end with an emergency room visit someday, and I just want to keep him safe. There is no reasoning with these children though. It doesn’t matter how many times they fall and hit their head, they’ll keep going back for more.
The worst part of this is that he’s teaching this behavior to his little brother. Now, my 19 mo. old thinks that it’s hi-LArious to say “NO!” to everything I say. It hasn’t gotten completely out of hand with him yet, but I really fear what will happen if I cannot get Jonas’s behavior under control soon. He is not setting a good example for his baby brother.
And what always makes me feel worse is that I know there are people out there who’ll try to blame all this behavior on my shoddy parenting skills. One person will tell me that it’s practically child abuse to punish a child for bad behavior, and yet another person will tell me I’m raising a serial killer because I cannot keep this child’s back-talking in check. So many people seem to think they can do a better job. I like to call these people “backseat parents.”
The two groups I find to be guiltiest of the “backseat parenting” are the hardcore crunchy/AP crowd, or those who have never parented a pre-schooler. It seems that I can very rarely do anything right in the eyes of these two groups. Well, you know what they say about opinions and assholes.
In my limited experience, there is no one right way to parent a child. What I found out by having a second baby is that kids are very, very different. My two boys are sometimes polar opposites – and if they can be that different having the same genetic makeup, then imagine how different children of other families/ communities/cultures/races/religions are.
I want to parent thoughtfully, and with an open mind. But it seems in doing that, I also let in a lot of chatter that makes me question whether I’ll ever be any good at this parenting gig. It also seems that that these “backseat parents” offer very little wiggle room in their dogmatic philosophies. Some will tell me that punishments and yelling will cause irreversible damage to my child. He will grow up with no self-esteem, have brain damage, and live in a psychiatric ward. Then others will tell me that I’m letting this child walk all over me, and I better get a handle on it before he turns into one of those asshole teenagers that hits his mother and kicks tiny puppies.
So, I’m left feeling frustrated, helpless, guilt-ridden, and ultimately like an epic parenting failure. I have to wonder, what in the world did parents do before the books and blogs telling them how to raise their child? There were no parenting books in the times of the Greek or Romans, nor were there any mommies writing blogs and claiming to have parenting PhD’s. But I’m certain there were 3 yr olds back then – and I bet many of them tried talking back to their mommies. I choose to think about those ancient children when I tell myself, “Gina, do whatever works for your family.”
No two babies are born to be parented the same exact way. Not every single baby was born to co-sleep, nor were they all born to sleep in a crib in another room. Not every single child will respond to Time-Outs or “1,2,3 Magic”, and not every child will stop jumping on the bed with a simple please.
All each of us can do is what works for our family at any given moment. If you love your children, hug your children, worry about your children, and care how they grow up, then you are probably already a great parent. I’m sure your kids would rather have you than a whole lot of other people. So please join me in shaking off the judgment, and choosing to face the next parenting battle with confidence and grace.
Now let’s all kick those “backseat parents” out of the car – preferably at a high rate of speed.
I call them the "Frustrating fours". My oldest was a pretty easy 4 year old. My middle is driving us crazy. He doesn't argue or fight, he just acts completely deaf if he dislikes what we've said. I'm at my wits end with him & hoping the baby gets it over with when he's 2.
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