Go ahead; try it. Mention the term “Sleep Training” in a room full of hardcore natural parenting types, and notice how quickly their strictly-organic-cotton panties get twisted up in a bunch. You’d think you had just said that you whip your child with a chain every night before bed. We’ve played this game on my blog before, and I believe that the (surprisingly civil) conclusion we came to is that hardcore attachment parenting types (henceforth referred to as HAPTs) assume that there is only one brand of sleep training, and that “Sleep Training” always means “Cry It Out” or “Ferberizing.” In reality, there are a ton of gentle sleep training solutions (try here, here, and here) advocated even by the very leaders of the HAPTs that have nothing at all to do with "Cry it Out". In essence many parents are probably doing them already but simply don’t want to call it “Sleep Training.”
But, even more unsettling to me is this ridiculous trend in mommy-martyrdom that dictates that Sleep is for the Weak and perpetuates this attidude that good, attached parents should never expect their children to sleep for the 12-16 hours a day that is universally recommended by nearly every health expert I’ve ever seen write on the subject. Well, I’m not quite sure when someone decided that good sleep wasn’t a completely essential function of healthy living, but I can assure you, even without a medical degree or a Ph.D. in Clinical Studies, it seems quite obvious to me that a lack of good sleep is unhealthy at best. Notice I say “good” sleep, because “bad” sleep, or interrupted sleep is not the same thing. Dr. Marc Weissbluth refers to interrupted sleep as “junk” sleep and says “Junk food is not healthy for our bodies. Neither is a junk sleep schedule.” Now, I'm not interested in shaming the families with alternative types of sleep schedules – do whatever works for you - I'm just saying there is more than enough evidence (to me) to make good sleep habits a priority in my house, so I don't appreciate the "why in the world would someone sleep train?!?!!" comments I see on Twitter and other blogs.
Children’s sleep habits are set early on, and a lack of good sleep habits has been attributed to everything from depression, to behavior issues, to hypertension, to heart disease. Anecdotally speaking, I have terrible sleep habits that were programmed in me from the moment I arrived in my screwed up household. I never had a bedtime or naps, so I stayed awake, sometimes all night- yes, even as a child – flipping the channels or playing with my dolls. I remember being really jealous of the kids at pre-school who got “nap-time” at noon because this was the hour that I was picked up and taken home to do anything but nap. I longed to be one of them, laying there on their little mats, drifting off to dream world. Now to this very day, I am an insomniac. I have no ability to regulate my sleep patterns, and it takes me hours to fall asleep at night. Last night (well, this morning actually) I woke up at 4:30 a.m. when Julesy needed to nurse again, and I never fell back asleep. I tossed and turned and stared at the ceiling until it was time to get in the shower and prepare for my long day of work. My body has no idea how to fall asleep. So, instead of even trying to sleep, I’m up doing all those things that make other moms say “How in the world do you find the time???” I don’t find the time, the time finds me, like a gypsy curse sent to suck the energy out of my day. But eventually, I crash, and it isn’t pretty. I don’t want this for my kids.
So, it’s clear that I believe in setting good sleep habits, but there is more than one way to go about it that does NOT involve locking a child in their room to scream until they pass out. But that’s the image HAPTs get in their head when I say “Sleep Training.”
So I’ve decided to use a new term: “Sleep Guidance.”
I provide my child with the structure and setting to promote a healthy sleep pattern as suggested by many experts on the subject, thereby contributing to their overall health and well-being. How how I do that? Simple: my children have a schedule they can rely upon, and this schedule has them napping each day at the necessary times and intervals, and going to bed at night at roughly 7:30 pm each and every evening without a struggle. They can count on this. They welcome it. There is no screaming and torturous “Cry It Out” going on every night in my house. At 6 pm, the “dinner-bath-bedtime” routine starts, so when it’s time to go to sleep, they are prepared and mentally ready for it. Have they fussed and cried sometimes? Sure, once every blue moon. But it’s not a “Cry-It-Out” situation. And if you don’t believe me, come over to my house around 7:30 each evening and you’ll be shocked to find how easy it is to get my kids to bed.
I’ll happily admit, however, that sickness, teething, particularly over-stimulating days, or other factors out of our control can sometimes throw a wrench into my children’s good sleep habits. But for the most part, things run relatively smooth in this department. Jonas has been sleeping straight through the night since he was 6 weeks old, but Julesy has had more trouble sleeping straight through and sometimes requires some night nursing to keep him content around 2 am-ish. The night-nursing is an on/off habit that we’re looking to break at this point, and we’re working on that now we feel that he’s old enough to discontinue his nightly visits to the 24 Hour Milk Bar. I would have put the kibosh on that months ago, but my waning milk supply necessitated every feeding possible. But now, Jules’s night waking disturbs his brother’s sleep, as well as mine and daddy’s, and as Dr. Sears says right on his own website, “If you resent it, change it!”
So, in conclusion, anyone who thinks that Sleep Guidance sounds like a chain whipping simply has problems of their own. I don't care what you do in your house, but don't throw tomatoes at me when I say we use sleep training "sleep guidance." I will not join the martyrdom and self-sacrificing insomniacs because even Dr. Sears says “… what your baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.”
Thank you Dr. Sears; I’d take a much-deserved nap when I get home tonight but my lifelong shotty sleep habits prevent me from falling asleep at will. Thanks anyway though.
Thank you. I really needed to read this today. I casually mentioned sleep training in reference to a funny video on facebook today and felt kind of attacked. I was upset that I offended people and I didn't understand it so I took the video down. You explained it perfectly.
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