November 4th, 2009
Bed-sharing for Just the Children?
Last year, Peggy O’Mara and Mothering Magazine asked the question “Who Wants to Sleep Alone?” Well, I can tell them who – my oldest son. The child has never been the co-sleeping or bed-sharing type. He wants his own space, and if given that, he will sleep a full 12 hours at night and a solid 2-3 hours for daytime naps. On the off occasions that we did try to bed-share with him, he’d lay awake tossing and turning – or think it was play time.
My younger son is the exact opposite though. He slept in bed with us for at least a few hours each night until he was a year old. At that point the night nursing pretty much stopped and he now stays asleep in his room all through the night (most nights.) But if given the chance, he’ll happily snuggle up in bed with us. Of course, I don’t sleep when he’s laying next to me so I keep him in his bed whenever possible. Our bed is just not big enough to for me to be comfortable with a giant toddler tucked under my armpit and a 6”1 man taking up the other half the bed next to me. I need my space, yo.
Then about a month ago, we decided to rearrange the boys room and give Jonas a full-size bed. Well, we originally wanted to give him a twin bed and move Jules into the toddler bed, but my husband didn’t want to buy a twin bed when we had his old Bachelor-days full-size bed hanging out in the rafters of the garage. So I performed engineering acrobatics and managed to fit the full size bed in the boys room, with the toddler bed for Jules situated next to it. There’s not as much free space in their room now, which bugs me, but whatever… Jonas LOVES his bed. He tells us so every single day. He runs all over it shrieking “I love my big boy bed!!! I love it.”
Julesy seems to like having Jonas’s old toddler bed too. But invariably, at least half the nights out of the week, Jules ends up crawling into bed with his brother and sleeps there all night. Jonas isn’t really excited about this. He yells “Mama, git Jewsy outta my bed!” many times before just giving up and letting his brother pass out next to him.
But last night I got to thinking – what if we just took the toddler bed out of the room? If Jules is going to end up passed out in Jonas’s full size bed anyway, what’s the point of having it in there? Think of all the things I could do with that extra space!
But the idea of my kids not having their own bed bugs me. I understand that lots of AP folks (including that Peggy O’Mara article) will say “but in most other cultures, the whole family shares a bed!” Okay, fair enough, but are these other cultures doing that by choice, or out of poverty? Nobody mentions that distinction when they’re rattling off the percentage of bed-sharing families in the world. Are the richest folks in Switzerland bed-sharing, or it that generally limited to developing countries where a second bed is considered a luxury?
When I was growing up, there was a lot of bed-sharing going on, but it was NOT a parenting-style choice. It was because we literally could not afford another bed, or another space for a bed. Finally getting my own bed was one of the most amazing things that ever happened to me. And I didn’t get that bed until I was almost 15 years old.
So the idea of taking one child’s bed away and putting them in one big bed just seems wrong to me (for my family). It doesn’t seem fair. Even though Jules is totally fine with sleeping in a bed with his brother, his brother is not super jazzed about that, and I think it’s okay for Jonas to want his own space. Kids are different… whoduthunkit?
So I guess I decided to leave Julesy’s bed right where it is. That sorta bums me out though because I’d really like to free up the space in that room. I’m just not ready to force them to share a bed. If they end up bed-sharing by choice, I won’t stop it, but I don’t want that to be their only option. I’m still emotionally conflicted over it.
How would you handle this situation?
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My 2 and 3 year old will share a full size bed when we move next week. It is by our choice, but it also practical for us. Both of them are terrible sleepers and they sleep better with a warm body next to them.
It is completely what works for your family. If the boys don’t sleep well with this situation then we will most definitely get them their own beds.
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Ok, I don’t have the answer for you, but I appreciate hearing your perspective. I grew up in a military family where it was the rule that if siblings were of the opposite sex and over a certain age (I think it was 7?) they had to have their own rooms. And there were other rules about how many kids could be in each room. (I don’t mean the Army came to check that they were sleeping in them, just that the houses had to have that space.) Since our family had first only two kids, a boy & girl, and later added a third for one move, we always had our own rooms except for the baby’s first year, and I always really wanted a roommate! When I got married and had my very own bed-sharing roomie, I was thrilled, and when we had a baby, it just seemed so nice to have us all together. So I’ve been looking at the idea of room and even bed sharing in sort of a rosy haze of “isn’t that lovely,” but I will admit that my son and any future sibs might not agree. I mean, for where we’re living now and probably into the future, there has to be room sharing, but we’ve even been talking about if we should put up false walls in the future if the kids need “their own space.” I’m hoping we can avoid it, but…
So I don’t have an answer. I wonder, though, if you could talk with Jonas about what he thinks. Present the idea of having more space in the room vs. having his own bed, and see what he says? If the answer’s no, there you go then. If the answer’s maybe or yes, you could do a trial run for a month or something, with the option to add the bed back in later. I don’t know if Jonas is the type/age of kid to consider a question like that, but it could be worth a shot.
Oh, one other thing. In a few years, could you do a bunkbed thing? We were considering getting one of those Ikea ones where there’s a twin on top and a full on the bottom, turned sideways. They’re often on craigslist. I mean, we personally were considering it for waaaay into the future, but as a way to conserve space in a small, shared room. I think top bunks are supposed to be for age 7 or so and up, though, so it wouldn’t be for awhile. But anyway!
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Oh man it lost my whole comment! I would do what you are doing but I do not know at all how to keep the little one from getting in the big bed! I am going to build a corner twin bed thing when this little baby in my belly becomes a toddler and is sharing a room with her big sis, who currently has a full. I have already drawn plans. The lower bed will be platform with storage underneath and only be 12 inches off the ground. Sophie’s bed I built at 16″ off when she was a toddler and we never had any problems. The “top bed” will be perpendicular to this bed but “over the end” so that they overlap in the corner. If you have the space they will not have to overlap. This bed will be about 3 – 3.5 feet off the ground. I think this will be cute and work and can be built for probably $150.
Anyway, love the blog and I am subscribing! Huge fan of bfeeding and VBAC choice!
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We do a lot of bed sharing, and bed swapping, but if I had two kids, I think I’d want them each to have their own bed.
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I am sort of hoping that at some point my kids DO sleep together, since they do like bedsharing. Not yet, though, as my youngest is not quite 15 months and still night nursing. But in honesty, I would still provide them with separate sleep spaces. If they have the option and elect to share sleep, I’m cool, but I would like it to be their choice. And I expect that it could vary from day-to-day sometimes, too.
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I have to say that I’d never thought about kids wanting to share a bed with each other, but it is very cute. I remember sharing a double bed with my bro when we went on holiday. We used to love it and we had such fun playing in the mornings before my mum and dad woke up. You’re obviously doing the right thing in giving them the choice of where they want to sleep though, even if it does mean having less space.
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If i had 2 kids, i’d want them to have their own rooms let alone their own beds. But that’s just my personal preference and a hypothetical one at that.
I’d go for bunk beds once Jonas can climb to the upper bunk safely.
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My sister and I co-slept in a queen bed when we were kids. My mother co-slept with both of us until she got pregnant with her third child and then kicked us into our own room. Because we were so reluctant to sleep alone, she had us sleep together. I don’t remember ever feeling upset about sharing with my sister. My mother has told me that we would refuse to sleep without the other one. We didn’t get separate beds until I was in the 8th grade and then it was bunks.
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What about (if budget allows) a bunk bed — the kind that has single bed on top and a double on the bottom?
At our house (4 kids) we have a double-over-double bunk bed (which, admittedly cost a small fortune) with a single trundle bed underneath in one bedroom and then in the other kids room we have a double bed. So, right now two boys sleep in the bottom bunk (the both love to have someone sleeping with them) and one boy on the trundle bed (he likes his space) but they are all close together. My boy who likes his space also does NOT like to be alone in a bedroom. Then the baby sleeps with us. This works really well for us. My baby girl will eventually have her own room (double bed) but I don’t think she’ll ever be alone because her three brothers already fight about who is going to sleep with her. We may end up having to take turns!
Having all these double beds also allows for my husband to sleep with one (or at times all) the boys if they are sick.
Amanda
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I am not a bed-sharer, never have been. It’s hard enough for me to share my bed with my husband. I just don’t sleep well if I can’t take maximum advantage of all the real estate. K co-slept with us for a good part of the first 4 months and then a few hours a night a few months after that. I think it’s one of the biggest reasons I was such a walking zombie and an emotional mess, you know, since I essentially wasn’t sleeping for about seven months.
As a kid, I would have been equally as uncomfortable if I had to sleep with my sister every night (who happened to be quite the snuggler and loved sleeping with me or my parents). Sure, there were nights that it was fun, but only because it was something we chose to do on rare occasion. So, I agree with what you ended up doing. Keep the toddler bed in there for now. In a few years your oldest will be big enough for a top bunk. That will help with the space issue.
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I’d leave the bed there, in case they change their minds. You could always switch it out for a trundle bed that goes under the other bed if you need space. My twins shared a crib for the first several months, and I didn’t give any thought to ever splitting them up until I found Jessica sleeping with her toe up her sister’ nose one morning. Now, their beds are the one thing that they don’t share, and they’re very possessive of that little area of personal property. My impression from Bangladesh is that bed-sharing families would be delighted to have separate beds. I know quite a few families there who eject their little ones onto a mat on the floor with their siblings as soon as they’re weaned, even though there’s still technically room in the bed until the next baby comes along.
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