February 5th, 2010
You Guys are Making Me Cry
A couple days ago I posted a virtual cry for help here, and a request for help here, after feeling an overwhelming sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and apprehension about a third birth ( my second VBAC.)
But you, my dear friends (cyber and otherwise) responded to the call with an outpouring of emotional support, encouragement, and generosity. While a few simple chearleading comments was the most I had hoped for, some of you went above and beyond the call, and responded to my cry with more than I could have dreamed.
♥ One of you sent me your Hypnobabies CDs, along with the VBAC tracks, saving me well over $150.
♥ One of you offered to let me and the Hyphenated Husband attend your Bradley class, at no charge, because you said I deserved it for helping so many other women through their VBACs. *tear*
♥ One of you offered me your Hypnobirthing book and CD, along with a ton of other resources to help me learn about hypnotic birthing methods.
♥ One of you gave me some other positive pregnancy materials to help me get into a more peaceful mental state during this impending gestation.
♥ And many more of you left lengthy, thoughtful, and kind comments and suggestions to help me feel safer and more secure in my decisions.
So what I have learned this week, if I didn’t know it before, is that women in my community care about each other, and they care about me. Each time someone has come through for me, it makes my chest buckle, my eyes well up, and my throat squeeze closed. I’ve been doing a lot of crying this week — in a good way.
When my chips were down, and I was the one that needed the help instead of being the one who gives it, you swept in and lifted me up. My faith in sisterhood, community, and humanity have been restored this week. Thank you all.
Now stop making me cry… It’s ruining my contact lenses. 
February 2nd, 2010
The Scarlet C: A History of Cesarean
Hearing about a cesarean being performed on The Today Show* this morning triggered a lot of traumatic feelings for me. I cannot watch. Just knowing it’s out there is bad enough. Knowing that the Today Show is passing out bad information about the supposed necessity of this operation makes me feel that the odds are forever going to be stacked against healthy birth. It hurts my heart.
One thing I have not addressed so far on our journey toward conception is my very real, all consuming fear that despite my best intentions, this birth could end in another cesarean. This fear paralyzes me. Part of the reason I announced our plans to conceive was because I needed other people to be excited for me. I cannot be excited for myself right now. I’m simply too afraid. I’m trying — desperately — to get excited about conception. I do want another baby, this part I know. But I also know if I never get pregnant again, then I would never be exposed to the risk of another cesarean. It is a 100% avoidable surgery, provided that I avoid pregnancy. When we started talking about conception plans last week, for a few minutes I tried to talk the husband into getting his vasectomy right now (which he has already agreed to do after we’re done having kids). But he wants another baby. And I want another baby. And I’m trying not to let this uterine scar make these decisions for me. But — it’s hard. (<–Boy, if that isn’t the understatement of the year…)
I know that my chances of having a cesarean are dramatically decreased by my education about the birth process. I also know that my chances for a VBAC are incredibly high, especially since I’ve already had one. AND, I also know that I willed my last VBAC into existence by the sheer power of my determination. I can do anything; my VBAC taught me that. I could never let another cesarean happen to me if I had any control over it whatsoever. However, once the doctor cut into my womb, my uterine health was forever changed, and I will never get to experience pregnancy or childbirth with an unscarred vessel.
A friend once told me, as she was trying desperately to find a provider who’d let her have a VBAC, that she felt like she walked around with a Scarlet C on her chest. If we want a vaginal birth after cesarean, many providers won’t touch us. Many providers won’t help us. Many providers treat us like ticking time bombs — or worse — like bad mothers. And even when they do agree to see us, we are often forced or coerced into “mandatory” interventions that other non-cesarean moms can opt out of. It doesn’t matter if it’s illegal and unethical — providers can often talk a mother into anything when they threaten her baby’s well-being. Even when luck is on our side, and we can find a provider willing to treat us like a “normal” mom, we often still carry a fear that makes us envision an exploded uterus and the unhealthiest of outcomes. I believe that anxiety alone is what causes the vast majority of repeat cesareans. How many non-cesarean mothers fear uterine rupture? I’m willing to bet, not too many — even though it is certainly something that can happen to first time mothers.
I carry plenty of emotional baggage from my cesarean, but I also carry scar tissue — The Scarlet C. I hope the Hypnobirthing can help me overcome this fear once and for all, but at this point, I really have no idea what will ease my concerns. I just want to feel…normal, again.
UPDATE: To hear me speak about this subject, listen to Karen Angstadt’s radio show A Labor of Love — episode titled “A Healthy Baby Isn’t All That Matters.”
___________________________________________________*I’m not linking to the Today Show video because I don’t think anybody needs to see it. If you do, you can find it with a Google search.
February 1st, 2010
Sex is More Fun When It’s Funny
Tonight I learned some new things about the natural gender selection method we’re trying out. Instead of just the timing of intercourse, apparently the odds can be swayed by diet, and changing the pH in the woman’s vagina to make it more hospitable to either the XX or XY chromosome sperm — whichever you’re going for.
In my case, we’re trying to get the girl spermies to reach the egg before the boys do. This means I need to do some things to get my pH more on the acidic side, so the fragile male sperm can’t survive, which leaves the female sperm hanging around waiting for ovulation.
One of the things I have to do is cut out coffee (somebody kill me now) and bananas (they are one of my all-time favorite foods.) I don’t fully understand the extent of this diet yet, but if I find out that I have to stop eating chocolate, then I’m calling the whole damn thing off. THAT is a deal breaker, my friends.
Oh, and get this — I also found out that if you’re trying for a girl, the woman shouldn’t orgasm during intercourse. That’s right - they say having an orgasm during intercourse makes the vaginal environment more hospitable toward the male sperm.
So THAT is why I have two boys?!? Because I’m cursed with multiple orgasms? Son-of-a-Mother-Effing-Effer!
Okay, fine. I can skip a few orgasms if it means keeping my “environment” just right for conceiving a girl. So I tell the husband that I’m going to have to take a few for the team, and he’s (can you believe it?!?!) okay with that. He’s trying desperately to hide the excitement on his face as I’m standing over the stove, giving him permission to come without me for the first time in 5.5 years, so I say
“But listen pal! You’re paying me back BIG TIME later in the month!”
And of course, he’s fine with that too. The funny part is that sex has now become an act of simply depositing sperm where we needs it to be. This is quite comical to both of us, but alas, once our DVR’d shows were through, HH leans over to take off my pants so we can get the show on the road. This is a whole new feeling for us, and it’s hard not to laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of having sex for the sole purpose of impregnation. We’ve spent most of our adult lives desperately NOT trying to make a baby.
So we’re getting into it, we’re already halfway laughing anyway, so I say to Hyphenated Husband,
“Hey, think GIRL when you spit it in there.”
And he starts howling with laughter. So now we’re both laughing — still doing it, and laughing. Then he says,
“Now I’m thinking of Kevin Smith”
And of course! I mean, who doesn’t think of Kevin Smith when they’re having sex with their hot wife?! Actually, I bet Kevin Smith would be thrilled to hear that we’re thinking of him during intercourse. He is one kinky motherfucker. Then husband says,
“You saying “Spit” made me remember Kevin Smith calling it a Dick Sneeze.”
And the words “Dick Sneeze” send me into hysterics. So now, we’re having what might be the loudest sex we’ve had in months, but not because both of us are calling to God, but because we’re both cracking up so hard that we (almost) lost our rhythm.
And it was fun. Sure, I had to sacrifice my orgasm, but it was still probably one of the more memorable sex sessions we’ve had in awhile. And I know my orgasm isn’t gone forever — it’s just waiting for a time when I don’t have to worry about my damn vaginal pH levels.
I swear, in all my life, I never thought I’d hear myself utter the words “vaginal pH.”
January 30th, 2010
Adventures in (more) Babymaking
Well… there it is. In case you aren’t on Twitter (seriously, why aren’t you on Twitter?!?) then you may not have heard the news that we are officially trying to have another baby.
First I thought it would be fun not to tell anybody and surprise everyone when I started to show, but two things complicated that plan:
- I need support and advice from my cyber-mommy-friends.
- I have a big ass mouth.
We originally planned to wait until this summer to start, but the more we though about it, we thought that was actually pretty bad timing. That would give us a baby late next spring, and that really wouldn’t work. Unlike most couples I know, we have to worry about both John and I being in school and trying to start our careers, so the children have to be timed perfectly to coincide with our full and complex schedules so we don’t get off track again.
With Julesy, we knew we wanted to have him in May so I could have a summer’s worth of maternity leave before school started again. It worked out perfectly. We conceived in August and he arrived May 16th.
This time, we thought we’d like to have another baby next May, however, I’ll be graduating in May, then hopefully will be spending my summer working in a law firm with my paralegal certificate, and then starting law school in the fall of ’11. When I really thought about it, I decided the worst thing I could think of would be to try to start a new job right after having a baby, and then starting law school with a 3 month old who will still probably be up nursing all hours of the night.
Hayell. No.
However — we know we want another baby. That part is easy. But we know we don’t want to have that baby while I’m in law school, or even during my first few years out when I’m trying to get my career going. And if we wait any longer than that, I’ll be in my 40’s, and Jonas will nearly be a teenager. We don’t want to start alllllll over again with the baby stuff in our 40’s, so really, if we want a third baby, it needs to happen by the end of this year.
We also desperately want this baby to be a girl. Of course (and this should really go without saying) we will love whatever baby we get. But seriously. Universe? PLEASE give us a girl. John and I aren’t the only ones who want a girl — Jonas has started asking for a sister. In fact, he has asked me for a sister nearly every day this week. When I said
“Hey Jonas, do you want Mommy & Daddy to have another baby?”
He says
“YES! I do want you to have a baby — You got to give me a sister!”
And I try to hide the smile when I say
“Jonas, are you sure you don’t want another brother?”
and he says
“No, Mommy! I already haaaave a brother! I need a sister now!”
I know, Jonas. You do. I totally agree.
So we’re trying the Shettles Method this time and seeing if we can time a sister for him. I think we could pull it off, but I really should have started charting my cycle a long time ago. A friend gave me her copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility:The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health
Now, onto the really important stuff: The Birth.
I will be having a homebirth this time, provided that everything works out with the provider I’ve chosen. I have a consultation scheduled with one of the few CNMs in Illinois who will take me on now that I have this damn cesarean scar that will haunt my reproductive health for the rest of my life. This midwife only takes on Secondary HBAC clients, meaning moms who’ve already had at least one successful VBAC (and that’s me! Yay!)
Hyphenated Husband and I are also planning on taking Hypnobirthing classes, and if anybody out there has a wonderful Hypnobirth story to tell me, pretty please, lay it on me.
So there it is. All the details I have so far. TFB is adding Number 3.
Holy shit. Here we go!
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And speaking of all this! Make sure you tune into my radio show this Sunday night at 10 pm Central time when I talk to Meagan Francis about her book on raising big families.
