May 8th, 2009

Mommy Guilt – It’s all about Perspective

There has been a particularly large volume of anti-lactivist articles and blogs surfacing lately, and I’m trying to make sense of them.  It seems that every mother who formula feeds feels the need to lash out against the women who told her she could/should breastfeed.  It goes the other way too.  Those of us who needed support breastfeeding, and only had formula feeding shoved in our face, are equally as pissed off about the things we were told – even if the person promoting formula feeding was just trying to help.  Perhaps they saw a stressed out mom and thought “Jeez honey, why are you doing this to yourself? … give the kid some Similac and call it a day … you’ll be much happier.” – not knowing that they were unintentionally slapping that woman’s breastfeeding efforts across the face.

It’s not just with breastfeeding though.  This is a strong phenomena in all aspects of natural birthing and mothering.  Some who’ve had c-sections get offended when women talk about natural childbirth.  They loved their c-sections and thought they were necessary, so shut-up-you-stupid-hippy-with-your-stupid-painful-natural-childbirth-nonsense.  And those who are traumatized by their medicated or cesarean births are offended when someone says “It doesn’t matter how the baby came out.”  That’s another big slap in the face.  Those are the kinds of statements that exacerbate the post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by that woman’s traumatic birth experience.  But the person’s intention is to help, so how can you fault them?

Well, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

A friend/family member/provider can make a comment, and depending on the mother’s perspective, that comment can be taken a number of different ways.  That comment can be seen differently even by the same mother depending on what mood or mind frame she is in.

Example:

Setting: My 1st Pregnancy, 1st prenatal appointment

Midwife: are you going to breastfeed?
Me: Hell No!
Midwife:  Why not?
Me: Because that’s disgusting!
Midwife: You really should think about breastfeeding, here is some information.

(later, to my formula feeding friend)

Me: That midwife was so f*cking mean!!  She practically held me down and forced me to say I would breastfeed!
My Friend: Yuck! I didn’t breastfeed, and you don’t have to either
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend!

Fast forward 2 and a half years…

Setting: Pediatrician’s Office – 2nd baby’s 1 week postnatal checkup

Pediatrician: He hasn’t regained his birth weight yet
Me: So? He was born nearly 10 lbs
Pediatrician: Well, we should give him some formula too, just for now
Me: Um, no, that ruined my breastfeeding relationship the first time, I’m not doing that route again
Pediatrician: But I’m really worried about his slow weight gain

(later, to my breastfeeding friends)

Me: That stupid Pediatrician tried to tell me I’m starving my baby!
My Friend: They don’t know what they’re talking about – see, here’s some information – keep breastfeeding, you’re doing great
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend.

Do you see what I mean?  I am the same person, just with a different perspective, and that perspective paints each of my interactions with a very different brush.  Was that first midwife forcing me to breastfeed?  No. Was that pediatrician forcing me to formula feed?  No.  But what I heard them say was determined by my OWN feelings about the situation.

So, if you’re feeling guilty over formula-feeding, why not take a step back and determine *why* you feel guilty.  Did that lactation consultant really call you a "shitty mother" because you made the informed decision to quit breastfeeding?  Or is that just what you heard?  No one can make you feel something unless you let them, so if you’re feeling guilty, perhaps you have deeper feelings about breastfeeding or formula feeding than you’d like to admit?  And if you don’t, then you should be happy with your decision – plain and simple.  No one has the ability to go into your head and force your brain to transmit guilt into your soul.  Guilt is self-inflicted.  It’s your conscience telling your brain to consider this decision with care because this one really matters to you.

How about we all put these "wars" into perspective and realize that happiness comes from within.  Make your decision, with information, please, and then be happy with the path you’ve chosen.  If someone has a different opinion, take it for what it is – an opinion – and don’t internalize the chatter unless what they're saying helps support your informed decision.

Then, none of us have anyone to blame for our Mommy Guilt except ourselves.

April 30th, 2009

Thank You Right Back

I want to take the time to highlight an email I recently received, because the contents of this email had me in tears.

Background:  In the fall of 2007, I joined one of those silly Ivillage Expecting Clubs about ten minutes after I got the positive results on my pregnancy test.  I had been in one with Jonas, so why not with Jules.  The beginning of those clubs always start out the same.  Everyone’s giving each other cyber {{hugs}} and high fives over each other’s “BFP” (big fat positive) and discussing symptoms and HCG levels.  Then, someone inevitably asks the question about breastfeeding.  And boy, oh boy, do the gloves come off. 

I was pregnant with my second baby, and by that time I felt like I had a fair amount of knowledge and experience under my belt so I felt compelled to talk about the “issues.”  Even though the issues on every expecting club are exactly the same, the tone of the board is set by the first women to visit it, or even by majority rule.  In my last expecting club with Jonas, the board was super breastfeeding heavy.  So, without thinking it would be that much of an issue, I offered my trademark honest, frank, and caring opinion about the subject on the new board.  Almost immediately, I became the Town A-Hole.    Had it been another board, on another day, my comments probably would have gone completely unchallenged.  As it was – I was The First Lactivist in the May 08 expecting club.  That set the tone for my entire existence on that board.  Gina The A-Hole.  When I wanted a VBAC, I was an A-Hole.  When I posted a funny picture (however subjectively appropriate or inappropriate), I was the A-Hole.  It was inescapable.  Sometimes I really was an A-Hole.  But how much of it was me living up the title, and how much of it was me being misunderstood?  I’ll never know.

But then something miraculous happened.  A few of the gals, who I originally annoyed the piss out of with my lactivism, had a change of heart.  They themselves became breastfeeders.  One of them had formula-fed her first son, and had every intention to do the same with the next baby, but changed her mind after a particularly intense debate with me.

18 months later, that mom sent me the following email this week:

My little (baby) will be One tomorrow and I felt compelled to write you an email.  I felt I needed to write to you so I could thank you.  Thank you for encouraging me to share the deepest bond unimaginable with my child.  Thank you for pointing out the benefits of breastmilk, my son has not had an ear infection, and we can count the colds he has had on one hand.  Thank you for lowering my risk of cancer as well as so many other health problems.  Thank you for opening my eyes to life outside of what I know and to take a chance and tell others to mind their own business because I do what is best for my child.  Thank you for making me a lactivist.  Thank you.  Tomorrow marks one wonderful year of breastfeeding.  I started with the short goal of 6 weeks and made it this far.  He is even tipping the scales at almost 25 pounds.  Clogged ducts, vasospasms, bleeding, engorgement… nothing could make me stop this one perfect thing I could do for my son.  I don't plan on stopping either.  He can choose.  Your guidance, wisdom, and knowledge are so greatly appreciated.  I hope you have a wonderful day.

Now for those of you who don’t know me, this entire post may seem like an exercise in narcissism. 

In bravado. 

In the “tooting-of-one’s-own-horn,” you might say. 

But those who do know me know just how habitually insecure I am.  When I am called the bad guy, or made to feel hurtful and mean with my candor, I take it all very, very personally.  I feel like I’m a despicable excuse for a human being whose mouth simply brings pain to those who’ve had the bad fortune of being caught in my path.

So this email is important to me.  I’m happy for her.  I’m happy for her baby.  And I’m happy for myself because without this email, I may have second-guessed my comments on that board for the rest of my life – cause Lord knows I never forget anything.  But at least one person was positively impacted by my comments.  And that’s enough for me.

April 2nd, 2009

I Want a Daughter…

… I want a smart, beautiful, compassionate, strong, inquisitive daughter.  I want a daughter who's the version of me, minus the screwed-up childhood with subsequent hardcoded personality defects and insecurities.  I want a daughter who is me, only more beautiful (inside and out), and more receptive of beauty.

I want a red-headed daughter who appreciates her hair color.

Or, I want a black-haired daughter who has never had to experience the self-loathing that often accompanies being a red-head.

I want a daughter, who is like the girls I see who I think are so much smarter, more beautiful, more caring, and happier than I am.  I want a daughter like the girls who, you can tell by one look at them, were very loved and supported by their parents.  I want a girl like the girls who could focus on becoming better people because they never had to worry where a meal was coming from, or if their grandfather would beat them at night.

I want a chance to know what a Crosley woman would be like if she had a proper start in life.

I simply want the chance to raise a daughter.

But with my luck, I'd raise a bimbo who kicks puppies and can't count to 50.  I know simply birthing a child with female sex organs will guarantee me nothing, no matter how hard I try.

But I still want the chance.  I want to hear "It's a girl."  I want to buy dresses and My Little Ponies.

I just want a girl.

February 24th, 2009

Tuesday Update.

Random thoughts, updates, and musings for this day.

• Jules is a big, fat, healthy baby.  At his 9 month appointment this weekend, he clocked in 23 lbs, and just shy of 30 inches tall.  At this pace, he may seriously outgrow his older brother.

• I finally talked to a lactation consultant last week about my supply situation, and she made a few suggestions.  I’m on a strong dose of fenugreek and blessed thistle, and I think it’s helping.  I THINK.  If it doesn’t, I’ll be visiting a nearby compounding pharmacy to try the domperidone she suggested.

• I’ve also decided that I might continue to breastfeed past Jules’s 1st birthday, but will not stress about my supply after that.  If he gets an ounce, great, and if not, then no big deal.  I will absolutely not be pumping after that, though.  Nursing will be a comfort thing – not his sole source of nutrition anymore.  Knowing that I only have about another 2.5 more months of that helps keep me motivated.

• I really hate my job today.  I feel completely undermined and disrespected here, and I want badly to quit and never look back.  Of course, we’re living through one of the greatest economic crises my generation may ever see, so I am 1000% stuck here.  And that makes it worse.  That means they can treat me however they want, and I can’t go anywhere.  I am hog-tied.

• I feel pregnant.  I know that sounds ludicrous, and I’m suuuuurrre I’m not pregnant…. Except that I think I might be.  I told John about 10 days ago that I was feeling “funny.”  My uterus felt strange, and I felt like I was having some implantation pain.  No, we are not on birth control.  We’re using Natural Family Planning until we’re done having kids, then John will get the old snip-snap and that will be that.  But, until then, I suppose I could get pregnant whenever.  We do not WANT to be pregnant right now, but it is certainly not the worst thing in the world.  We know we want more kids.  We just hope they come in another year or two.

  I’m only mentioning the pregnant-feeling so that I can say “I told you so” if I do, indeed, turn up pregnant.  I’ll get to say “see! I KNEW it!!”  It would be fun to know my body that well.

  But I’m sure I’m not.  Pretty sure anyway.  Either the appearance of Aunt Flo or a pregnancy test will tell me this weekend.

  I think John really wants me to be pregnant.  I told him if we were pregnant, he’d have to quit his job and be a SAH dad (since he makes less.)  There’s no way we could afford daycare for 3 kids.  He hates his job too, so of course he likes this idea.  If we used a diaphragm, I could see him poking holes in it.

That is all for now.

February 12th, 2009

Consumer Reports says Natural Is Better

Finally, mainstream American seems to be getting hip to the natural childbirth movement.  Consumer Reports recently published a full article titled "Maternity Care: High Tech vs High Touch."

I am loving this article.  Consumer Reports is a respected, autonomous body, and if people actually read this, I could see it making a difference.

Back to basics for safer childbirth
Too many doctors and hospitals are overusing high-tech procedures

When it's time to bring a new baby into the world, there's a lot to be said for letting nature take the lead. The normal, hormone-driven changes in the body that naturally occur during delivery can optimize infant health and encourage the easy establishment and continuation of breastfeeding and mother-baby attachment. Childbirth without technical intervention can succeed in leading to a good outcome for mother and child, according to a new report. (Take our maternity-care quiz to test your knowledge.)

"Evidence-Based Maternity Care: What It Is and What It Can Achieve," co-authored by Carol Sakala and Maureen P. Corry of the nonprofit Childbirth Connection analyzed hundreds of the most recent studies and systematic reviews of maternity care. The 70-page report was issued collaboratively by Childbirth Connection, the Reforming States Group (a voluntary association of state-level health policymakers), and Milbank Memorial Fund, and released on Oct. 8, 2008.

Overuse of high-tech measures

The report found that, in the U.S., too many healthy women with low-risk pregnancies are being routinely subjected to high-tech or invasive interventions that should be reserved for higher-risk pregnancies. Such measures include:

• Inducing labor. The percentage of women whose labor was induced more than doubled between 1990 and 2005
• Use of epidural painkillers, which might cause adverse effects, including rapid fetal heart rate and poor performance on newborn assessment tests
• Delivery by Caesarean section, which is estimated to account for one-third of all U.S births in 2008, will far exceed the World Health Organization's recommended national rate of 5 to 10 percent
• Electronic fetal monitoring, unnecessarily adding to delivery costs
• Rupturing membranes ("breaking the waters"), intending to hasten onset of labor
• Episiotomy, which is often unnecessary

In fact, the current style of maternity care is so procedure-intensive that 6 of the 15 most common hospital procedures used in the entire U.S. are related to childbirth. Although most childbearing women in this country are healthy and at low risk for childbirth complications, national surveys reveal that essentially all women who give birth in U.S. hospitals have high rates of use of complex interventions, with risks of adverse effects.

The reasons for this overuse might have more to do with profit and liability issues than with optimal care, the report points out. Hospitals and care providers can increase their insurance reimbursements by administering costly high-tech interventions rather than just watching, waiting, and shepherding the natural process of childbirth.

Convenience for health care workers and patients might be another factor. Naturally occurring labor is not limited to typical working hours. Evidence also shows that a disproportionate amount of tech-driven interventions like Caesarean sections occur during weekday "business hours," rather than at night, on weekends, or on holidays.

Underuse of high-touch, noninvasive measures

Many practices that have been proven effective and do little to no harm are underused in today's maternity care for healthy low-risk women. They include:

• Prenatal vitamins
• Use of midwife or family physician
• Continuous presence of a companion for the mother during labor
• Upright and side-lying positions during labor and delivery, which are associated with less severe pain than lying down on one's back
• Vaginal birth (VBAC) for most women who have had a previous Caesarean section
• Early mother-baby skin-to-skin contact

The study suggests that those and other low-cost, beneficial practices are not routinely practiced for several reasons, including limited scope for economic gain, lack of national standards to measure providers' performance, and a medical tradition that doesn't prioritize the measurement of adverse effects, or take them into account.

Source: http://www.consumerreports.org/health/medical-conditions-treatments/pregnancy-childbirth/maternity-care/overview/maternity-care.htm