December 27th, 2009
Raising an Equality-Minded Male
To me, one of the first steps toward a more equal society is raising boys and girls free from gender stereotypes. Children should grow up believing their sex in no way limits, or even shapes, what they are capable of achieving. However, it is simply not enough for girls to be told they can be whatever they want unless we also raise boys to feel comfortable filling the roles the girls may vacate. The 3rd wave of feminism finds women with greater access to same education and job opportunities that traditionally were only offered to men, yet women are still largely expected to handle the bulk of the domestic chores. The 2nd wave of feminism envisioned a world where women were allowed to do it all. Today, I see a society where women are often forced to do it all because our men haven’t picked up the slack.
Knowing this, Hyphenated Husband and I felt it was important to raise our boys in an environment that exemplifies equality. Aside from hyphenating our names together to show solidarity and respect for each other’s individuality, my husband and I wanted our children to see of us each getting our educations, working inside or outside the home doing whatever fulfilled us, and handling the household chores or parenting tasks as a team.
We also felt that it was important to support and encourage our kids to express inter-gender play. Whereas some fathers would simply forbid their son playing with dolls, we find it a necessary step in any child’s development. The way we see it, if you raise a boy to believe that only girls play with baby dolls, then they are more likely to grow up believing that only women handle baby care. If only the women are responsible for caring for baby, then she is not an equal partner in that parenting relationship. I know too many fathers who would never be caught dead changing a diaper or giving their baby a bath because that’s considered “womens’ work.” Well, I think that’s “parents’ work” and anyone incapable or unwilling to change a diaper ought not to have had a baby. Imagine how harshly a woman would be judged if she hired someone to change every one of her baby’s diapers – would she be considered a “good” mother? Certainly not. Yet somehow, we tolerate this out of some men. But really, if we raise boys to believe that baby dolls are toys only girls should play with, what can you really expect?
Conversely, if a girl is raised to believe that only boys are allowed to handle tools or know about cars, then we are crippling our daughters’ sense of self esteem and independence. Women make up 51% of the car buying population, and make 80% of the car purchase decisions in a household, so how will she know what she’s buying if she’s always been told that girl’s don’t need to know a 4-cylinder from a 6-cylinder?
I have not yet been blessed with a daughter to pass on my feminist philosophy to, but I also believe that I may be doing the world and even bigger service by raising feminist sons. It’s one thing for women to want to be equal, to try to be equal, and to even feel equal, but it is yet another for the men in our lives to step up to the equality plate and allow us to be completely equal.
But maintaining equality in the home is an ongoing process. New obstacles arise, new situations present themselves, and as my boys grow, new stages of development require new approaches to teaching. We hope that we’re doing everything we can to present our sons with examples of equality, but I’m certainly open to hearing the ways that other families implement and maintain a humanist parenting approach.
So I ask, what are you doing in your house to raise an Equality-Minded Male?
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P.S. This post will appear on the TLC/Discovery Health series my family is filming, and some of your comments will be discussed on the show. Please comment generously!
December 14th, 2009
Mad Things Happening on a Monday
Today. Weirdest day ever.
This morning the Hyphenated Husband calls me from work to tell me that I had a package delivered there. Mind you, I have not worked at that company in three months, and I would never order anything to have it shipped there. He opens the package to find a jewelry box containing a necklace from Tarina Tarantino – the famous celebrity jewelry designer. It wasn’t sent by her though – it was sent by some random stranger. There’s no note, just a return address and a name: Radine Lopez.
No, I have never heard of Radine Lopez from Los Angeles California. We get online looking for her, and it seems that she’s a 20 yr old photographer, according to her Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter pages. She must also be wealthy because the necklace she sent me appears to cost approximately $170. No, she’s nobody in my “friends” list, and no, I have never, ever heard from her before. So Hyphenated Husband tries to make contact with her, and so far we have heard nothing back. I obviously have a stalker. I need a bomb sniffing dog to search this thing for explosives. Given the hate spewing in my direction over the last week, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it was some sort of a veiled death threat.
A few hours later, I get an email from a producer over at TLC/Discovery Health. They contacted us two weeks ago to ask if we’d be interested in appearing in a new series about “out-of-the-box” parenting styles. They specifically wanted to highlight the “Gender Neutral” parenting that I talked about in this post. So, we filled out some forms and answered some questions, and waited to hear back. Well, this morning the producer called to say we got picked for the show. Cool!
Wait.
It was all very exciting until Hyphenated Husband called the producer back to work out the details, and when he asks them what our monetary compensation will be, they say “$500.”
Okay, I have no idea who’d let camera crews take over their house for days on end, and put their entire family on national television for almost no money, but that ain’t us. It would cost my husband hundreds of dollars just to take off work, so in the end, we’d be getting paid scraps. He explained that we expected at least SAG union wages (which would have amounted to about $6,000 for the family) and they replied that they weren’t in a position to offer that.
So that’s that. Even with the excitement of just being picked for something, I wasn’t super excited about turning over my life to the viewing public, and without compensation there is absolutely no incentive whatsoever for opening my life to the critical masses. What’s amazing, however, is that they already had at least one other “attachment parenting” family agree to be on the show, and I’m assuming, agree to those terms. Good luck to them!
Please tell me your Monday was just as strange, or I’m going to start to think the universe is out to get me.
UPDATE: So, we’ve worked with the producer to come up with a compensation package that works better for us. From the looks of it, we will actually do the show now. More details as they come…
November 21st, 2009
I Am a “TwiHard”, Take Your Judgment Elsewhere
I’ve said it before – I love Twilight. I know some of you think that’s lame, and love to criticize the literary value of Stephanie Meyer’s work. Maybe Meyers is no Edgar Allen Poe, but she’s no chump either. I understand that her prose may be in desperate need of an editor, and her characters may be simple and flat, but some people enjoy the atmosphere she creates. It’s like porn without any sex. It’s the erotica of anticipation.
And it’s not like us “Twihards” are all idiots. I enjoy Austen and Woolf just as much as the next smart lady. Lest we not forget that I am a 4.0 gpa pre-law student. I consume and comprehend French, German, and Greek philosophical works the way some people devour the tabloids. But that does not mean that I cannot find joy in a lovely little story. That does not mean I cannot allow myself to become wrapped up in a fictional fantasy world which creates such a passionate and smoldering heat that it could burn a well-placed hole in my pants.
Ever since I finished all the books last Spring, and purchased the Twilight DVD, I’ve been waiting with bated breath for the arrival of New Moon. My husband bought me tickets for opening day the minute they went on sale. November 20th has been a date blinking like a neon sign in my head for 6 weeks.
So last night, donning my I Love Edward T-shirt given to me by a thoughtful friend, my I Love Edward shoulder bag the husband dared me to buy, and my “Twilight Mom” hoodie I recently won from @TwilightTees, I set off to see my movie. I was so excited, I was vibrating on the way there. I haven’t been this giddy over something in – I don’t know – a long time.
And it did not disappoint. From start to finish, the scenery, the story, even the acting (yes, even that) was all perfection. I was worried that Kristen Stewart’s lip biting and lack of emotive response would really ruin this movie for me. Yes, I am aware, she’s a really crappy actress. But she IS Bella. And the sexual tension between she and Edward was palpable. It was unrelenting. I ached for her. I ached for him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I had a two-hour long orgasm.
Of course the minute the lights went up, my Buzz-Kill Husband peed all over my high. Let me say this; I did not ask him to come with me. When he bought us the tickets to go he made it clear that he wanted to come. I was under the impression that he wanted to see the movie too, but I found out on the way there that he did not. I asked him “So! Are you excited” and he responded with “No, not at all… I’m really not… I do not want to see this movie.” So I respond, “Uh, I wish I’d known that so I could bring someone who’d appreciate it.” I had other friends who would loved to have come. So I asked him to keep all his cynical comments to himself and let me enjoy the film – which he did – until the credits rolled. I say “So! What did you think?!” and he instantly starts in with how ugly he thinks Kristen Stewart is.
Deflate. Crash. Hello 2 Hour Orgasm? Here’s a nice cold bucket of water thrown on you.
I mean Jesus. Is it too much to ask to allow me to enjoy something? Everyone has something, at least one thing, that makes them squeal like a teenager. Whether it be a favorite band, or sports hero, or actor – we all have that one thing that gets us worked up. Twilight, like it or not, is my thing. So why do people have to rain on my parade? Why not just be happy that I’ve found a cheap little thrill that makes me happy – a little utopia amid the stress of diapers and bills and cleaning up dog hair? Am I not allowed to take pleasure in something?
Well, husband realized he was out of line, and came home today with an apology card containing an AMC gift certificate; enough for me to take an appreciative friend to see New Moon again. I’ll be just as excited, maybe more excited, to see it a second time.
I’ll end this post by saying that the numbers are in – New Moon broke the box office records, beating even “The Dark Knight” for largest first day opening in movie history. There aren’t enough Tweens in America to make up those numbers, so clearly I’m not the only adult who loves to lose themselves in this series.
Don’t hate. Maybe it ain’t your thing, but who cares if it’s mine? And if you enjoy the Twilight Saga as much as I do, leave a comment and we can geek out together.
November 20th, 2009
Practicing Gender Neutral Parenting
This following post got us featured on a new Discovery Health show titled “Radical Parenting.” For information about the show, visit this link.
When Hyphenated Husband and I found out our first baby would be a boy, we knew exactly what kind of baby gifts we didn’t want. We didn’t want blue, or blue, or more blue. We didn’t want footballs, firetrucks, or Hot Wheels. I gave relatives very clear instructions that we wanted nothing but completely gender neutral themes and colors; everything in precious greens and yellows and purples. Onesies that said “Future Quarterback” would be exchanged for simpler items that didn’t claim to predict the baby’s career goals and interests.
Instead of inundating our new baby with traditional “boy” images, patterns, and slogans, we decorated his room in an adorable jungle theme that didn’t imply either gender. We felt that if we started from his life free from stereotypes, he would have the liberty to choose his own interests. We weren’t planning to go as far as this couple – who refused to reveal the sex of their 2 yr old. But it made sense to let this baby’s life begin with a clean slate. We never planned to tell him that he should play with one type of toy over another. We didn’t care whether he wanted to play with dolls or dump trucks – as long as he was happy.
So what made him happy? You guessed it. Cars, dump trucks, fire trucks, footballs, tools, helicopters, camouflage, and dinosaurs. Both of my sons turned out to gravitate straight toward All Things Boy. When I let them run loose in the toy aisles, they don’t even notice the dolls or ponies. But if it’s got a car on the box, they make a beeline for it. They are as “Boy” as a boy can come.
I don’t mind that they have such “masculine” interests. Whatever makes them happy is fine with me. But it does make me wonder: why did I even try to keep it neutral? Does it even matter? Are boys born pre-programmed to love construction equipment, sports, and motor vehicles? What is it about the packaging that draws their little eyes in?
We want more children, and we really hope to have at least one girl. I can’t wait to find out if our gender neutral parenting works on her, or if she’ll just run right for the princess pink. She’ll probably come out wearing a tiara, and ask for a pony for her first birthday.
Or maybe, she’ll love dump trucks too? I have no idea. Whatever it is, I’m starting to think it has nothing to do with the way I’m raising ‘em.
UPDATE: Just one week after I wrote this, my son asked for a dollhouse for Christmas. The story of that incident is here.
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Do you practice gender neutral parenting? If so, how? Have your children developed gender neutral interests? Or do they head straight for their respective Toolboxes and Tiaras anyway?
To see how else we’ve incorporated gender nuetral parenting in our lives, watch our Discovery Health show.
