September 8th, 2009

Now This is a Choice I will Own

I got all bent out of shape some time back when my favorite uncensored mommy blogger suggested that people should suck it up and “own” whatever situation they are in.  Easy to say when you’re half-white, decidedly middle-class, and don’t have to leave your kids in someone else’s care 50 hours a week while you shuffle off to a job you absolutely despise, cursing the whole way, and plotting the ways in which you will make your husband pay for doing this to you.

But, I get her point.  She wants people to be happy.  And it's not her fault. She just happened to post that at a time where I was especially miserable with my circumstances, and wasn't gonna listen to anybody tell me I needed to "own" any part of it. I was in no mood.  I don’t agree that people need to shut the fuck up when they aren’t not happy, and I don’t believe that being happy is as simple as some middle class whilte folks make it sound.  But hey, I really do want to own my choice – so long as I actually have a choice.  I could bore you all with a philosophical theory on the origin of ownership and how it is not possible to own that which you have not purposely either cultivated or bartered for, but c’mon, you guys don’t come here for a dissertation on Locke, so let’s just do this the navel-gazing TFB way instead…

I think people are essentially responsible for themselves.  Sure I do.  I was raised in a conservative household.  You know, the kind of people that grow up poor as hell, but still vote Republican because they think that other people want to take away all the money they don’t have.  Yeah, those maddening people.  The Joe 6-Pack people.  But for all their mislead political alignment, I am bred with a “pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps” mentality, and that is essentially a pretty positive, Protestant, hard-working approach to life.  Thus, I work my tail off, and I take responsibility for the things I am responsible for.

But add marriage, kids, and global economic crises to the picture, and I think the waters become a bit muddied.  People are not islands, and sometimes the choices of others contradict what you may have chosen for yourself.  It’s not always as easy as walking away from their choice, especially when you are contractually or genetically bound to these people and responsible for their well-being.

So, for a very long time, I suffered through doing what I had to do instead of what I wanted to do.  I focused on work and fit school in where I could, instead of focusing on school and finishing my law degree.  I ached for leaving my kids, but I slaved over a breastpump all the hours of the days so I could do right by them even when I couldn’t be physically present. 

But now, I get to make a choice.  It is not an easy choice; that is certain.  It’s not like a Coke bottle filled with gold coins fell out of the sky and landed in my bank account so I could just walk out of my job without a single backward glance.  There is a lot of uncertainty, and a lot of second-guessing myself.  But, there came a point in life where my corporate employment was no longer worth the opportunity cost of the other things I was sacrificing in my life.  It’s very hard to come from poverty and not place an intense amount of value on money and stability. However, I am trying to focus on all the good this change will bring, and not feel suffocated by the $1500 deficit we’ll be facing each month: a deficit that I will have to find a way to make up with cake orders and school loans (and the money I’m pulling out of my 401k, and the loans we’ve already taken from the mother-in-law to help us get out of that condo debt, etc. etc.)
 
Even though we will not be comfortable financially, and I have no idea whether I’m cut out for being a work-at-home-mother , this is still easier than what I was doing.  This choice I made.  This choice I labored over and worked for.  This choice wasn’t made by someone else without my permission.  This one is mine.  And I will be happy to own it.

Look out world… here I come.

August 27th, 2009

The Storm Before The Calm

Jesus.

Shit is crazy.

Work is nuts.
School is nuts.
Cakes are nuts.
Kids are nuts.
And I have a bad cold this week.

If I make it through this week without maiming someone, it will be by the grace of God-the-Mystical-Sky-Fairy.

This is what it looks like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and its body keeps running around the barnyard.  I’m beyond overwhelmed.  Besides all the stuff I HAVE to do, I really WANT to finish the ICAN of DuPage startup materials so I can get that out of the gate before our September 14th meeting. 

And then there’s this blog.  Oh poor blog, you have been neglected so.  No, of course I don’t have to write, but if I don’t write for a few days, it nags at me – like the feeling of having to go pee, but being too busy to do it.  If you go too long, you’ll end up with a bladder infection.  In my case, it’s a “too-many-words-in-my-head” infection, and the catharsis of this blog is often my only relief.

So, like I said, I started school again last week, and these are certainly the two hardest class I’ve had so far.  One is a political philosophy course with a 101 year old teacher whose rules are the bible and who, I can tell already, will be very hard pressed to give anyone in the class anything higher than a C because that’s how hardcore, old-school philosophy professors operate.

This oughtta be fun.

The second class is an ECON 201 course (Microeconomics) and (let me put this in big, bold letters so you understand I’m very serious) – I SUCK AT MATH.

I know the math teachers of the world are gasping in horror now, but those are the facts.  I’ve gotten through my whole life without ever learning how to multiply a fraction, or plot a grid.  But now, if I want to pass this class, I’m going to have to learn how to do both of those things, and a lot more, in the next 7 short weeks.  I had to buy graph paper for the first time in my life last week.  I found it in the “back to school” section, next to the crayons and glue sticks.  Is this what my life has come to?  Shouldn’t I be buying these things for my own children?  Aren’t I beyond this?

Apparently not.

If I don’t get a break soon, I might lose it.  I really might.  I wrote many, many expletives in an email yesterday to my fucking boss, and only had the good sense to delete them about 3 milliseconds before I hit the Send button.  The Husband took me out to eat last night to calm my nerves, and before we left I overheard him begging the 3 yr old to please be on his best behavior because mommy is not feeling well and she might get all screamy if certain people couldn't act right in the restaurant. Sad.

But tonight I won’t get home from work/class until 11:30 pm, at which time I have to decorate 4 dozen cupcakes in the theme of “Ralph’s World” for an order due tomorrow morning.

And then there's more class. And more cakes due. And these kids won't give me a break.

Have I mentioned that I haven’t slept in a couple of years?

September 15th.  Please, please September 15th, come as fast as you can.

***now where did I stash that few-year old bottle of Zoloft?***

August 24th, 2009

The Best Souvenirs I’ve Ever Come Home With

Two years ago, my family of three went on vacation, and came home with this –

Well, he didn’t look like that at the time.  He was a blastocyte that would eventually become this smiley, beautiful little boy. But sure enough, his life began on that trip to Mexico and the Caribbean.

Two years later, my family of four went on another Mexican vacation and came home with this –

I absolutely love this simple piece.  As soon as I saw it, it made me think of my nursling and my ankle-biting toddler – one constantly cradled at my breast, and the other reaching for me from his place at my feet.  The husband isn’t one to spend money on things like this, but he also fell in love with it as soon as he saw it. He said it looked like me.  And it made him smile.

Now I look off into the future and wonder what my next “souvenir” will look like, or when I’ll bring it home.   What are your favorite/most important souvenirs?

August 17th, 2009

Announcing my Big, Big News…

I quit my job.

No, let me rephrase that: I quit one of my jobs.

When I posted last Friday that I had a big announcement coming up, 46 people guessed I was pregnant (jeez, is getting pregnant all I ever do around here?!?), 2 people correctly guessed that I quit my job, 1 person thought I started a new band (you wish, RE!), and 1 person guessed that I got a book deal (that was my absolute favorite guess.)

I handed in my resignation letter at 9 am this morning, and I’m giving them until September 15th.  After that date, instead of working in an office all day, sitting in a classroom all night, baking cakes until 3 am, and seeing my kids whenever I can – I will no longer be sitting in the office all day.  The rest, I’ll still be doing.

I will be a full-time Student of law, Full-time Mom, and part-time cake business operator – never in that order.

Leaving my day-job means being able to finish my degree in half the time, which means spending less money on school, and a shorter time until I’m making money again.  It also means not paying out $2000 per month in daycare, which of course means being able to see my babies while they’re still babies.

People have been telling me for a long time that the amount of jobs/responsibilities I have on my plate is just crazy.  It is crazy.  People shouldn’t do this to themselves. My health and my family are suffering.

But giving up a $50,000 a year job is also crazy.  Especially in this economy. This has been the scariest decision of my entire life.  I’ve been with this company for 3 ½ years, and leaving anything you’ve done for that long can be an emotional struggle, even without the financial worry.  Additionally, I have to say, the idea of being technically unemployed is really, really hard on my Feminist conscious.  It puts me in a very unfamiliar, unsettling position of being reliant on my husband for financial support.  But this marriage is a partnership, and I went back to work 5 weeks after a cesarean so my husband could focus on school.  It’s my turn now.  I earned this, and He's the first person to say so.

We’ve managed to work out a plan that will help us survive until I’m finished with school – HOPEFULLY.  A month ago this wouldn’t have been possible, but Husband’s mom (seeing what we were going through) stepped in and offered to help us lower some of our bills.  Without her help, we’d never have been able to do this.  I also applied for a “Loss of Income” adjustment on my school loans so I should be able to take out some more money for us to live on until I’m through with my degree.  And of course I’ll make more cakes… anything I can do to keep us afloat.

Now, please send me all the love and support and well-wishes you can because I am quietly freaking the fuck out over here.  I know in my heart I made the right choice, but my head is a little harder to convince.

~TFB Out.

August 12th, 2009

TFB Won’t Be a Victim – You’re Not Worth It (The Stalker Confirmed.)

I've talked before about the fact that I've been in some high-profile situations that left me bloodied and bruised by hateful gossip.

Well, I'm once again the subject of some internet hate- but this time I'm not bruised at all. I couldn't care less.  I'm surprisingly zen about the whole thing actually.  I think with age comes wisdom.  8 years ago I defended myself the way a 22 year old would.  Today, I prefer to let people rot in their own egregious idiocy.  This guy is begging for a virtual hand-job from me, and I'm not giving it to him. I already feel like I need one of those "Silkwood" showers to burn his stupidity off my flesh.  Just like when I played with Ms. Love, being in proximity to this makes me feel… icky.

I also know who this "source" of theirs was, and she is a psycho-stalker who we had to block from our band's Myspace page yeeeeeears ago because we were sensing a very "John Lennon/Mark David Chapman" vibe.  Veruca Salt also banned her from their forums because she was clearly totally mentally unstable, and I've also recently had to block her IP address from blog from and my Twitter account. She was desperate for attention, and this dude gave it to her.  Good for them.  Let them all rot in each other's insanity.

I do appreciate those who visited their bullshit and stuck up for me though.  Thanks guys.

UPDATE: The psycho-stalker has been confirmed as the source of the email to TheBlockFM.  I knew from the second I saw that email that it was her, she's been doing this kind of thing for 6-7 years, and when she realized I was onto her, she emailed them again and copied me.  She's Kathy Bates, yo.  She's "trying to help" me and just wants to "be a friend." Holy total insanity.  She must have gone off her medication today, and I'm really not kidding. If anyone knows whether I can file a restraining order on her because cyber-stalking, please let me know.  I know that she knows where I live, and claims to have family here (though she lives in Seattle.)  I also want to know if I can name TheBlockFM in any legal proceedings since they are aiding her behavior.  If she loses it and hurts my family, I want the courts to know they were involved.  Please make with the free legal advice peeps.