July 23rd, 2010

If I Write This Post, The Terrorists Win

And so there you have it.  I have been terrorized, and threatened, and coerced into writing a post about something that I have neither the time, nor mental energy to take on.  I have been forced to prove a null hypothesis.  I have been threatened into proving that I do NOT do something. I have been terrorized into proving myself innocent of a totally ridiculous accusation.

Reportedly, the women who run the “Peaceful Parenting” facebook page started spreading a rumor that I will teach parents to circumcise their sons.  Why do they think this?  I am told they think this because they once mentioned circumcision to me in a comment on my blog, and I didn’t respond to the comment.  You know, because it’s not like I’m not busy or anything.  I am told that “Dr. Momma” began telling her readers that I am “Pro-male genital mutilation” and I will teach this to anyone who takes my classes.  This was supposedly said in a private “Discussion” on Facebook a few weeks ago – a thread I do not have access to.  After receiving some harassing, cruel messages about this rumor, I chose to clarify my position.  This caused people from her camp to ramp up the lies, and repost them all over mutual friends’ pages in an effort to slander my character.  I have been called names.  I have been lied about.  I have been accused of allowing this all to happen as a “publicity stunt.”  Way to blame the victim, ladies.

Why don’t I want to write this post?  Because I do not see the justice in being forced to spend my time disproving lies.  It has also become painfully obvious to me that no matter how many times I tell people the truth, they are so committed to the lies at any cost, they will not admit they were wrong.  Instead, they will keep changing the accusation until it has all come full circle.  No matter what the truth is, they are not interested.  They cannot let their readers know that they started lies, and tortured me over nothing.

Here is the truth about my position as a soon-to-be-certified childbirth educator and doula:

I formula fed my first son.  I know better now.  I will teach women how to breastfeed.

I had an unnecessary, elective labor induction.  I know better now.  I will teach women about normal birth.

I circumcised.  I know better now. I will teach parents about keeping their sons intact.

But sharing this information isn’t good enough for some people. They want me to publicly post my lesson plans and curriculum.  Sorry folks, but that is intellectual property, and I will not be terrorized into publishing that on the internet.  If you refuse to believe my position, I cannot take responsibility for that.  Reasonable people will be satisfied by my statement on the issues. Unreasonable people want me to give them a document promising that I abuse and torture expecting parents until they agree with my views on circumcision.  I will not do that. I CANNOT do that, as an educator, if I want to stay certified.  I can only give people the information. I cannot make their choice for them, or belittle them for their choice, and attempting to do so would violate codes of conduct.  Professional restrictions aside, I am a more compassionate person than that.  I am not a shitty person.  I help people – not hurt them.

For all the mistakes I made trying to figure out this parenting gig, I am educated now. But to some people, that’s not good enough.  To them, the choices I made in the past are all I will ever be.  That’s fine with me – those people cannot be reasoned with. Anyone who has ever been in the same room with me when circumcision comes up KNOWS how I feel about this.  It is a difficult subject for me because of the choices I’ve made, and it is cruel and unfair to terrorize me into talking about my son’s penises on the internet.

I would like to believe that the intelligent, thoughtful, passionate women who read my writings will be satisfied by this post and end the drama.  Unfortunately, given the abuse I’ve already been subjected to in the last 24 hours, I know that by hitting “Publish”, I will have to spend the rest of the afternoon fighting trolls off my page.

Thank you to all the people who have had my back on this.

Now – I have a garage sale to get ready for – who wants to help me moderate comments the rest of the day?

June 16th, 2010

This Is No Way to Convert Me to Christianity

Late Friday night, as I was aiding and comforting a woman (for free by the way) while she brought a baby into the world, I received a Facebook message from a “cyberfriend” of two or three years. The message started off like this:

Hi Gina, First I want to start off by saying that I really admire the passion you have for the causes you believe in. I’m sure we will never know the tally of just how many women you have helped through your blog, your radio show, and the numerous other things you do.

Awww – that’s a nice thing to say, especially when I’m at my first birth, finally physically helping a woman in person. If I’m being honest, at the risk of sounding a bit egocentric, I actually get about 3-5 emails per week from strangers saying awfully nice things to me just like this.  This one started out sounding very similar to all the other messages I get, so I decided to skim it quickly while I was walking down the hall to the waiting room on my way for some extra ice.

I was on my iPhone, briefly scrolling through when I noticed that paragraph after paragraph of this message contained the words “GUILTY” and “murderer” and “rapist” – all encompassed in what looks like scripture.  Confusion is pouring into my brain. I may be an atheist – but I know what bible verses look like.  I was raised and baptized as a Southern Baptist, and those people don’t mess around.

I get to the end, and find this shocking paragraph waiting for me:

If you’ve decided to reject the gift of forgiveness and you die in your sins, there is no hope for you. There is no purgatory. The wrath of God abides on you and you will spend eternity in Hell.

So here’s where I think “Oh, I get it.  Her account must have been hacked.  This is one of those crazy spam messages.  I better close out of here before I get a virus.”

*pause*

*thinking*

*scrolling back to the top*

Okay wait.  This can’t be a spam message because she addressed me directly in the beginning of this email.  Oh my god.  She’s serious.

Okay, so I’m standing there trying to understand how this person (who I didn’t even know was religious) has just sent me an email out of nowhere calling me a sinner, a liar, a jezebel, etc – and then tops the whole thing off with telling me that I’m going to burn in hell for eternity.

Now… call me crazy, but if I were trying to convert someone to my thinking, this is not exactly the way  I’d go about it.  Can you imagine if I told someone “You should really consider breastfeeding because if you don’t you will BURN IN HELL!!!” (<—-notice my tongue planted firmly in my cheek there.)

I know that I’m a good person. Besides the fact that I have people sending me 3-5 email reminders each week telling me what a good person I am, I am a constant do-gooder.  Always have been.  Even when I was drinking and staying out all hours of the night having premarital sex with total strangers, I was still a good person.  I don’t steal, I don’t cheat, and there are only two situations that I will consider telling a lie:  1.) to protect someone’s feelings, and 2.) to protect my privacy.

Being an atheist doesn’t mean I’m a devil worshiper.  It means I worship nothing at all.  I don’t need a man in the sky to threaten me with eternal damnation to keep me from doing bad things.  I can do good all by myself, thankyouverymuch. I am a good person because I have a strong moral compass.  I’m generous to a fault because I like to make others happy.  I don’t cheat or steal because I believe the universe has an energy that, when disrupted, carries negativity back to that person.  Some call that Karma.  I sometimes think of it as Poe’s Tell-Tale Heart.  Call it what you will, but that’s about as spiritual as I get.

And to me, if there were a God, he wouldn’t be sending Good People like me to burn in hell for all of eternity just because I don’t believe in him.  That sounds like an awfully spiteful, vengeful God to me.

Thomas Jefferson said:

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear.

I wonder if Thomas Jefferson is rotting in hell right now?

I think if there is a God (and seriously, you’ll never get me to believe there is) then when I die, he’ll throw open the pearly gates for me and say “Good job down there, Gina… I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

And I wonder what that God will think of people running around down here telling other kind people that they’re going to rot in hell?  A Loving God certainly wouldn’t approve of intolerance and spite.

I’ve discovered recently that I have a whole lot of conservative Christians reading my blog, which is cool.  I dig that. Other than the Jesus stuff, we probably have a lot in common. (and sorry about all the cussing, that’s another thing nobody can stop me from doing.)

But I’m going to be honest with you, it’s stuff like this that makes me really scared of Religious Types.  Seriously.  I’m more terrified of a group of religious fanatics than I am a dark alley filled with gang-bangers in my old drug-infested neighborhood.  At least the gang-bangers don’t creep into my inbox telling me I’m going to burn in hell forever.

Pardon my language, but that shit is NOT COOL.  And by the way?  It’s not going to work, either.

___________________________________________________

Whaddayou make of the message from this friend?  Are you religious?  Is this how you try to convert people?  Has anyone every converted you using this kind of language?  I’m dying to hear…

June 1st, 2010

Nestle Doesn’t Care if You Back Out of BlogHer

Well, here we go again. Another BlogHer conference steeped in drama, with bloggers pitted against each other – this time before the tables have even been set.

Memorial Day morning, I woke up to an email from a lactivist letting me know that this year’s BlogHer ’10 conference is sponsored by Nestle. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I couldn’t believe this was true. I’ve looked at the BlogHer 10 sponsor page on 100 occasions, and never spotted that.   So, I asked Google.  If this is true, surely people are talking about it, and Google would know.  Nope, Google came up empty handed, which is very unlike him.

Then, I began to think this was a rumor.  How could this be?  BlogHer is so highly aware of their publishers’ boycott of Nestle products, that it created an Opt-Out program to allow boycotters to remove Nestle and other Non-WHO Code compliant brands from the BlogHer ads running on their blogs.  That decision came largely as result of the work of one particularly vocal blogger.  That blogger was then invited to speak – presumably on these very issues – at the BlogHer 10 conference.

But then, my lactivist friend sent me a link where MomSpark posed the following question: “Stouffer’s Sponsors BlogHer 2010. Will They Be Judged?”

Okay, so it’s true.  BlogHer has just quietly revealed that Stouffer’s – owned by Nestle – is now sponsoring a part of the event; along with 32 other brand sponsors that do not have unethical corporate practices.

But Amy at MomSpark wants to know if those of us who boycott Nestle will be backing out of the conference, and if not, then how we justify that decision.  She’s specifically asking because she attended the now infamous “Nestle Family” blogger event last fall, where she was criticized by some for participating in the event.  Amy has never been a Nestle boycotter, so her decision to go was unencumbered by any moral dilemma.  Nestle invited her.  She went.  They paid for her entire trip, gave her sacks of candy, and she couldn’t have been happier with the experience.

Given that, I don’t totally understand the parallel that some people are drawing between the BlogHer event and the Nestle Family event.  Of course, for those who’d prefer to keep smart, green bloggers OUT of the BlogHer event, I can see how drawing some fuzzy line between the two might work to their benefit. In my opinion, I have no control over BlogHer deciding to partner with Nestle months after my ticket was purchased.  My attendance of the event was sealed long before they announced this sponsorship. I don’t see how it’s even remotely similar to attending an actual Nestle facility on their dime.

Let me attempt to illustrate the differences I see:

Given the information here, I don’t see many similarities between a blogger’s decision to attend the Nestle Family event, or the BlogHer 10 event.  Even as a boycotter of Nestle, there is no way in the world I can avoid Nestle 100% of the time.  It’s simply not possible.  I’d never be able to leave the house again.

What if Stouffers was advertising on the side of the CTA busses – should I stop taking public transportation?  What if I was taking that bus to a rally against Nestle – am I still a hypocrite?  In my mind, one has nothing to do with the other.

Some of us have chosen to take the high road here and keep our commitments, regardless of the brands that BlogHer chooses to take their money from.  I think it’s up to BlogHer to reconcile the choices they’ve made.

I, for one, believe on impacting change from the inside, rather than the outside.  Some people consider me a hypocrite for trying to become an attorney in such a patriarchal system, but I’m the type of person who likes to storm the castle.  I will go inside The Matrix.  I will infiltrate The System and let my presence show that responsible voices have just as much place at this event as those without any moral dilemmas.

The fact of the matter is, Nestle wouldn’t care one bit if I chose not to attend BlogHer ’10.  But I can think of two very legitimate and worthwhile brands that WOULD care, and I’m not letting them down.  Instead, I will be there, with bells on.  The Man is not going to shut me out of a conference that could amplify my voice and spread awareness for my cause.  Allowing them to keep voices like mine out of the party is, to me, totally counterproductive.

This is the world we’re living in, and if we want to change it, we have to start from the inside out.  Some people will insist that I’m putting my desire to attend BlogHer ahead of my distaste for Nestle, and to those people I say -

Nestle is contributing a few dollars to helping outspoken, intelligent, and influential women come together to amplify their message, be change agents, and ultimately undermine everything Nestle stands for.  The Joke is On Nestle – not on me.

And I think that’s just about all I have to say about that.

May 29th, 2010

Why I Won’t Leave My Births Up to Chance

Last week I was privy to some tweets about a mom who’d just delivered a new baby. People were congratulating her and sending her well wishes, so I followed some links to her site. The first link led me to a cute little Friday series she had running which consisted of guest posts by other new moms whose pregnancies and births she was following*. Each week, she asked a mom a series of canned questions about their experience, including whether or not they had a natural birth, and whether they thought she was crazy for wanting a natural birth.

There were around a dozen interviews with different mothers, and every single one of the moms supported her decision to have a natural birth. In fact, every single one of the moms said they had planned to go natural as well.  However, out of all the moms, only ONE mentioned taking a 12-week intensive natural birth class (specifically The Bradley Method) and (you can see where I’m going with this) only that mom actually reported getting the birth she wanted.

Coincidence? I think not.

As the moms reported on the details of their births, each resembled the previous story.  Each Mom wanted to try to go natural, but then X, Y, Z happened, and she got the epidural, or the cesarean, or both.  Most seem perfectly okay with that because, according to them, it couldn’t have been helped. None of the moms really liked the idea of having a needle in their back (the epidural) or having major abdominal surgery (a cesarean) but when it came right down to it that’s what they all (except the Bradley Mom) ended up getting.  And each one (besides the Bradley Mom) told the pregnant mother not to count too much on her birth plan because nobody really has control over what happens during their birth.

Respectfully, I beg to differ.

What happens during a woman’s birth is not all up to chance. Maybe some of it, but certainly not all of it. Despite their best intentions, what most women don’t know is that those interventions can be nearly impossible to avoid without having comprehensive birth education, along with just a little bit of luck. And by “comprehensive” I do NOT mean a 1-day class offered at the very hospital that will be pushing all the interventions on a mother. An 8-hour class cannot possibly explain the complexities of natural birth to women living in a culture with such a highly medicalized birth model.  I don’t believe that women need to be taught how to birth, but I do think they need to be fully informed about any interventions they are looking to avoid, and learn techniques for coping with labor naturally. In these modern times, women fear birth because they haven’t grown up seeing their mothers/sisters/aunts giving birth, and they have no idea what a normal birth looks like. The fear of birth is very often a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The mothers who remain under-educated about birth will assume that it was Birth’s fault that their labor went awry.  Unfortunately, in many cases (Yes, probably even yours) the birth didn’t have to unfold the way it did.

And yes – no matter what anybody tells you, your birth experience matters, even when you had a healthy baby.

The choices we make play a huge role in the birth process, and are often the culprit when we hear about “failure to progress,” or unbearable pain, or even a mom who pushes for hours without being able to get the baby out.  Rarely do you ever hear a cesarean story that does not include something about an induction (which carry a high failure rate) or even augmentation (Pitocin, Cervadil, Cytotec in an attempt to “speed up” labor) or an epidural.  Epidurals are often the gateway to labor complications because they can slow labor, and make the mother immobile, which can make pushing ineffective. Lots of cesareans happen because of a breech baby, even in Canada where, a year ago, the Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists called for doctors to stop automatically recommending c-sections for breech babies.

Things simply do not have to be like this.

Of course, rarely do those women ever think that any of the interventions in their birth were used without serious medical indication. As a mother who once believed my baby would have died without all those interventions, who now knows the TRUTH about what happened to me, I can honestly say that I know how hard it is to come to terms with being duped. I wasn’t stupid, and neither are you, it’s just terribly difficult to find the truth when our healthcare system relies so heavily on the billions of dollars a year that medicalized births bring in. Aside from the money, our physicians simply are not trained to attend normal, natural births.  In Canada, many doctors are still telling women that breech cesarean is safer simply because they, themselves, are not trained to vaginally deliver breech babies. The necessary skills have almost completely evolved out of the community, and that is a terrifying thought.  However, on that note, the SOGC is at least smart enough to have issued the recommendation that physicians re-learn the lost art of breech delivery. Now it’s time for American doctors to get that message.

Most of my friends would be surprised to learn that just a few short years ago, I was one of those women running around telling people that I had an “emergency” cesarean, and thanking “god” that hospitals existed because me and my baby “might have died” without them. Then, I began to learn.

Boy, did I learn.

I learned that, according to research by Henci Goer, my induction had a whopping “50-250% chance” of ending in that cesarean.  I also realized that, according to Dr. Michael Brodman, Chief OB/GYN at New York’s Mount Sinai Hospital, many cesareans are called by the doctors at around 4 pm in the afternoon because the doc simply wants to go home.  (Guess what time mine was called for.) I also saw my birth played out as a cartoon in “The Business of Being Born”** – which made me realize that what happened to me was SO common that my failed induction was FAR from unique.  In fact, my birth story was scripted by the hospital, just as many are.

I learned that all the choices I made led to that cesarean. I learned that my body COULD push out a “big” baby, because just 22 months later, that is exactly what my body did. The same doctor who told me I couldn’t fit an 8 lb baby through my pelvis went on to catch my nearly 10 lb baby, which did fit through that same exact pelvis.

And I didn’t even get an apology.

Before I got this nice uterine scar, nobody explained to me that ending up with a cesarean wouldn’t just complicate that delivery, but it also would put every future pregnancy at risk for placental abnormalities, uterine rupture, and repeat cesarean deliveries, which, of course, carry their own risks.  Before I walked in for my induction, the doctor didn’t tell me that I had a ridiculously high chance of leaving the hospital with a 6-inch uterine scar, rendering me unable to pick up my own baby for days, or even drive a car.  He also never told me that breastfeeding would be made infinitely harder because my body wasn’t ready to have that baby.

And now, years into my life as a birth activist, I see both powerful anecdotal and scientific evidence proving that a more informed mother has a much greater chance at getting the birth she wants.  Even when the baby, or her body, has other plans, the better her birth education, the better she feels about how her birth played out. Women who are more informed will often pick providers who will respect them, which also plays a major role in the way a mother feels about her birth.

It’s true that not every single women who takes an 8 to 12-week birth class will avoid the epidural or cesarean, but statistics show, her chances are drastically improved.  Bradley reports that women who take their series deliver without any drugs 90% of the time*** (just ask this mom).  This statistic alone is a very good reason to drag yourself to a birth class.

No one should sit back and settle for whatever type of birth they are handed. Be an active participant.  Read every single chapter of those birth books, even the ones you think will never apply to you.  Take a full 8 to 12-week birth education course. Question everything you are told. Write a birth plan that covers every possible scenario, and have a strong supportive birth team who will help make sure that your birth plan is followed to the letter whenever possible.

And hire a doula. Seriously, seriously, hire a doula.

No one can guarantee you the exact birth you want, but that’s no reason to stay uninformed. There is no harm whatsoever in taking 8-12 weeks of birth classes, and when the birth is over, you’ll likely be satisfied with every single penny you spent on them.

In my educated experience, there is very little about birth that happens by chance. Take charge of this event – it is one of the most life altering and monumental things you will ever have the privilege to experience.

And now, because I believe in the power of story-telling, tell us how taking a full childbirth education series did, or did not, affect your birth outcome.

_________________________________________________

*I purposefully did not link to these stories because I don’t want to embarrass anyone.  Suffice to say, they’re very, very common, and could be found just about anywhere.

**I would also like to mention that The Business of Being Born is on sale at Amazon right now for just $7.99 with free shipping.  Seriously, this will be the best $8 you have ever spent.  No matter what you think you know, please, please watch this movie.

***Updated to add that this statistic is self-reported by the Bradley Method, and includes vaginal births only.

May 19th, 2010

Jillian Michaels, Body Image, and Mother-Shaming

Last month, the interwebs were in an uproar over a Jillian Michaels interview in Women’s Health Magazine.  Jillian is a world-famous personal trainer who’s seen each week on The Biggest Loser, and has a very successful workout system called “30 Day Shred”, which is quite popular with mom bloggers.

Jillian announced in the May issue of Women’s Health Mag that she would not be having any babies of her own, and here’s why:

“I’m going to adopt,” Jillian says.  “I can’t handle doing that [birth] to my body.”

Many bloggers have already talked at length about this interview, but I’ll have to talk about it too because these statements are something I cannot ignore.  I also take issue with the some of the other bloggers who’ve attacked Michaels for putting down women’s post-baby bodies when they, themselves, have written books putting down women’s post-baby bodies.  Oh, the hypocrisy.  I suppose it’s okay when they do it, but not when Jillian Michaels does it.  I have an idea – how about it’s not okay when ANYBODY does it?  There.  That’s settled.

Now back to the statements.  After the mommy-blogger uproar, many women left comments on these various articles wondering why anyone would be upset with Jillian’s statement about birth to begin with.  Over at ShePosts, nearly all the commentors felt that it was nobody’s business whether or not Jillian wanted to give birth, or what her reasons were for it.

I don’t think it is anybody’s business if she doesn’t want to have children of her own.  That’s her choice to make.  I do, however, think it is her customer’s business if she, the world renowned body sculptor, thinks that a body cannot recover from childbirth.  If she really believes that, why does she bother telling mothers that they can get fit using her system?

Here’s what I’d tell Jillian, and any other woman worried about what a baby will to do her body:   Yes, a baby will change your body.  But guess what else changes your body?  TIME.

As my fiercely feminist college professor used to say, “Not a single one of us gets out of this life alive.” Not a single one of us gets out of this life looking the way we do right now, either.  I hate to break it to Jillian, but “that” is going to happen to her body whether or not she has a baby.  Aging happens.  Gravity happens.  Shit happens.

But there are some glorious and beautiful benefits to the post-baby body (other than, ya know, that whole creating-a-human thing, which is a pretty great gift in itself.)  My husband, for example, never saw the big deal in Heidi Klum, that is, until she had kids.  Now, he thinks she looks radiant, softened, and womanly.  I have to agree – she’s drop dead gorgeous now, and she’s cranked out kid after kid over the last few years.  Does everyone bounce back the way Heidi Klum did?  No, of course not.  But you’d think if anybody could bounce back from childbirth, it would be A FAMOUS PERSONAL TRAINER WITH GOBS OF MONEY.

But to hear Jillian Michaels, one might think that there simply is no recovering from “that,” and “that” is certainly so awful that no person could possibly find you attractive again.

Jeez, if “that” is so totally unappealing, doesn’t it makes you wonder how any of us gets pregnant with the second, or the fifth, or the nineteenth baby?  I’m guessing our partners like our post-baby bodies just fine, and don’t feel like “that” was so bad, otherwise they wouldn’t keep coming back for more.

Jillian did try to do some damage control on her Facebook fan page.  She said,

There is a misunderstanding circulating in the press on my personal choice to not get pregnant. I think that pregnancy is admirable and selfless. For myself, I have remnant body issues left over from childhood which leads me to make adoption my personal choice down the road.

I think it’s admirable that Jillian wants to adopt.  However, if I were a birth mother, I’d probably think twice about giving my child to a woman who didn’t want to have children of her own out of sheer vanity.  I think it’s kind of insulting to expect another woman to have a baby for you because you don’t want “that” to happen to your body, but I guess it’s okay if “that” happens to hers?!?!  What does this say about the way she’d raise the child?  Our bodies are sacred vessels, sure, but are they so sacred that they shouldn’t be used for anything other than selling workout DVDs and posing for magazine covers?  Come on, Jillian.  Certainly you can see how messed up that is.  We are meant to live.  And “God” willing, we’ll all live until these bodies are wrinkled, weathered, and completely devoid of a six-pack abdomen.  “Remnant body issues” or not, Jillian needs to have to come to terms with the fact that her  body is not going to look like this forever, and that is something she is going to have to learn to accept.

As a feminist, I do think that Jillian Michaels is a woman who has every right to feel however she wants to feel about giving birth.  Yet, I also believe that people should be holding this celebrity fitness guru accountable for making statements about the body that go against everything she tries to tell her customers.

As a business woman and entrepreneur, Jillian needs to remember that many of her customers are mothers, and they don’t want to hear somebody tell them that there’s no hope for their post-baby body.  As a matter of fact, what we need to be telling mothers is that their post-baby bodies look great, even if they don’t look like Heidi Klum, or even Heidi Klum’s fat sister “Greta.”  And at the end of our lives, me, and Jillian, and Heidi Klum are all going to be wrinkled just the same, and nobody will ever care whether birth widened our hips or not.

Maybe then, Jillian will wonder whether clinging to her body image issues was worth it…

____________________________________

UPDATE:  A commentor pointed me toward this clarification by Jillian, which states that her problems are physical infertility, and not a body image distortion.  I’m glad I wrote about this, otherwise I might never have gotten the real story and would have stayed mad at Jillian forever and ever.  Let this be a lesson to those in the media to either answer the question truthfully, or plead the 5th.  Your professional reputation may depend on it.