July 23rd, 2010

If I Write This Post, The Terrorists Win

And so there you have it.  I have been terrorized, and threatened, and coerced into writing a post about something that I have neither the time, nor mental energy to take on.  I have been forced to prove a null hypothesis.  I have been threatened into proving that I do NOT do something. I have been terrorized into proving myself innocent of a totally ridiculous accusation.

Reportedly, the women who run the “Peaceful Parenting” facebook page started spreading a rumor that I will teach parents to circumcise their sons.  Why do they think this?  I am told they think this because they once mentioned circumcision to me in a comment on my blog, and I didn’t respond to the comment.  You know, because it’s not like I’m not busy or anything.  I am told that “Dr. Momma” began telling her readers that I am “Pro-male genital mutilation” and I will teach this to anyone who takes my classes.  This was supposedly said in a private “Discussion” on Facebook a few weeks ago – a thread I do not have access to.  After receiving some harassing, cruel messages about this rumor, I chose to clarify my position.  This caused people from her camp to ramp up the lies, and repost them all over mutual friends’ pages in an effort to slander my character.  I have been called names.  I have been lied about.  I have been accused of allowing this all to happen as a “publicity stunt.”  Way to blame the victim, ladies.

Why don’t I want to write this post?  Because I do not see the justice in being forced to spend my time disproving lies.  It has also become painfully obvious to me that no matter how many times I tell people the truth, they are so committed to the lies at any cost, they will not admit they were wrong.  Instead, they will keep changing the accusation until it has all come full circle.  No matter what the truth is, they are not interested.  They cannot let their readers know that they started lies, and tortured me over nothing.

Here is the truth about my position as a soon-to-be-certified childbirth educator and doula:

I formula fed my first son.  I know better now.  I will teach women how to breastfeed.

I had an unnecessary, elective labor induction.  I know better now.  I will teach women about normal birth.

I circumcised.  I know better now. I will teach parents about keeping their sons intact.

But sharing this information isn’t good enough for some people. They want me to publicly post my lesson plans and curriculum.  Sorry folks, but that is intellectual property, and I will not be terrorized into publishing that on the internet.  If you refuse to believe my position, I cannot take responsibility for that.  Reasonable people will be satisfied by my statement on the issues. Unreasonable people want me to give them a document promising that I abuse and torture expecting parents until they agree with my views on circumcision.  I will not do that. I CANNOT do that, as an educator, if I want to stay certified.  I can only give people the information. I cannot make their choice for them, or belittle them for their choice, and attempting to do so would violate codes of conduct.  Professional restrictions aside, I am a more compassionate person than that.  I am not a shitty person.  I help people – not hurt them.

For all the mistakes I made trying to figure out this parenting gig, I am educated now. But to some people, that’s not good enough.  To them, the choices I made in the past are all I will ever be.  That’s fine with me – those people cannot be reasoned with. Anyone who has ever been in the same room with me when circumcision comes up KNOWS how I feel about this.  It is a difficult subject for me because of the choices I’ve made, and it is cruel and unfair to terrorize me into talking about my son’s penises on the internet.

I would like to believe that the intelligent, thoughtful, passionate women who read my writings will be satisfied by this post and end the drama.  Unfortunately, given the abuse I’ve already been subjected to in the last 24 hours, I know that by hitting “Publish”, I will have to spend the rest of the afternoon fighting trolls off my page.

Thank you to all the people who have had my back on this.

Now – I have a garage sale to get ready for – who wants to help me moderate comments the rest of the day?

July 22nd, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: ACOG Admits What We Already Knew

In a long overdue press release, the American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecologists finally steps forward to revise the old guidelines that had once caused so many hospitals and doctors to “ban” VBAC.  In a revision released today, The ACOG now states,

“a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is a safe and appropriate choice for most women who have had a prior cesarean delivery, including for some women who have had two previous cesareans…”

Hallelujah!  It’s about time!

But they didn’t come to this decision on their own.  Back in March, the National Institutes of Health held a conference on Vaginal Birth After Cesarean – a conference that I attended, wrote about, and was even featured in during the “Mother’s Stories.” I was so proud to see that at that conference, birth activists from all walks of life – doctors, researchers, midwives, and mothers – gathered to help try to convince the panel to see what we’ve all been seeing, which is that women’s rights are being trampled on when they are denied the safe option of vaginal birth.  The ACOG President himself sat in a theatre listening to stories of doctors who couldn’t help their patients because their hands were tied.  They heard stories from mothers who had to battle hospitals for the right to birth vaginally, or instead birthed unassisted at home because they could not find a provider able to help them.  And they listened to highly respected doctors and researchers present the latest available evidence, which is that VBAC is a safe option, and in fact, it is a safer option than a repeat cesarean for most women.

They were also shown a slide listing grassroots organizations and activists who tirelessly battle to preserve patient autonomy and protect the rights of childbearing women.  Thanks to those women who stood up and demanded that this was a human right’s issue, the ACOG also included this in their statement:

“restrictive VBAC policies should not be used to force women to undergo a repeat cesarean delivery against their will if, for example, a woman in labor presents for care and declines a repeat cesarean delivery at a center that does not support TOLAC.”

Do they know how long we’ve waited to hear those words?

I know many of us don’t care what the ACOG says, and we’d be VBAC’ing whether they got on board or not. But this statement could actually change maternity care in this country.  They have now admitted that women are being “forced” into surgeries they do not want or need.  They now admit that cesareans have risks, and that the risks of vaginal birth are much lower than previously implied.  They are now admitting that despite their claim as the authority on All Things Obstetric, it took a government panel to investigate this issue for the Truth about VBAC to be exposed.

And I don’t think they get the credit here.  I think we do. That’s right – you and me.  So thank you to the the women like Joy Szabo, and Jill from Unnecesarean.  To the women like Desirre Andrews, and Jennifer Block.  To Nicette Jukelevics and Jen from VBACFacts.com.  To the women of ICAN, and the midwives who risk prosecution to attend a home birth after cesarean where the state doesn’t support it.  To all the women who Tweeted, and Facebooked, and Blogged this issue until government health experts couldn’t help but take notice.

We did this.  We made this change happen because we spoke up and insisted on being treated better. But the work is not done yet. Now, we must take this statement to our providers and hospitals and challenge those VBAC “Bans.”  Send the statement to your sisters, coworkers, and friends who may be considering a VBAC.  Write about it, talk about it, and keep spreading the message until VBAC is no longer a four letter word.

Change is coming.  I can see it in the horizon.

May 19th, 2010

Jillian Michaels, Body Image, and Mother-Shaming

Last month, the interwebs were in an uproar over a Jillian Michaels interview in Women’s Health Magazine.  Jillian is a world-famous personal trainer who’s seen each week on The Biggest Loser, and has a very successful workout system called “30 Day Shred”, which is quite popular with mom bloggers.

Jillian announced in the May issue of Women’s Health Mag that she would not be having any babies of her own, and here’s why:

“I’m going to adopt,” Jillian says.  “I can’t handle doing that [birth] to my body.”

Many bloggers have already talked at length about this interview, but I’ll have to talk about it too because these statements are something I cannot ignore.  I also take issue with the some of the other bloggers who’ve attacked Michaels for putting down women’s post-baby bodies when they, themselves, have written books putting down women’s post-baby bodies.  Oh, the hypocrisy.  I suppose it’s okay when they do it, but not when Jillian Michaels does it.  I have an idea – how about it’s not okay when ANYBODY does it?  There.  That’s settled.

Now back to the statements.  After the mommy-blogger uproar, many women left comments on these various articles wondering why anyone would be upset with Jillian’s statement about birth to begin with.  Over at ShePosts, nearly all the commentors felt that it was nobody’s business whether or not Jillian wanted to give birth, or what her reasons were for it.

I don’t think it is anybody’s business if she doesn’t want to have children of her own.  That’s her choice to make.  I do, however, think it is her customer’s business if she, the world renowned body sculptor, thinks that a body cannot recover from childbirth.  If she really believes that, why does she bother telling mothers that they can get fit using her system?

Here’s what I’d tell Jillian, and any other woman worried about what a baby will to do her body:   Yes, a baby will change your body.  But guess what else changes your body?  TIME.

As my fiercely feminist college professor used to say, “Not a single one of us gets out of this life alive.” Not a single one of us gets out of this life looking the way we do right now, either.  I hate to break it to Jillian, but “that” is going to happen to her body whether or not she has a baby.  Aging happens.  Gravity happens.  Shit happens.

But there are some glorious and beautiful benefits to the post-baby body (other than, ya know, that whole creating-a-human thing, which is a pretty great gift in itself.)  My husband, for example, never saw the big deal in Heidi Klum, that is, until she had kids.  Now, he thinks she looks radiant, softened, and womanly.  I have to agree – she’s drop dead gorgeous now, and she’s cranked out kid after kid over the last few years.  Does everyone bounce back the way Heidi Klum did?  No, of course not.  But you’d think if anybody could bounce back from childbirth, it would be A FAMOUS PERSONAL TRAINER WITH GOBS OF MONEY.

But to hear Jillian Michaels, one might think that there simply is no recovering from “that,” and “that” is certainly so awful that no person could possibly find you attractive again.

Jeez, if “that” is so totally unappealing, doesn’t it makes you wonder how any of us gets pregnant with the second, or the fifth, or the nineteenth baby?  I’m guessing our partners like our post-baby bodies just fine, and don’t feel like “that” was so bad, otherwise they wouldn’t keep coming back for more.

Jillian did try to do some damage control on her Facebook fan page.  She said,

There is a misunderstanding circulating in the press on my personal choice to not get pregnant. I think that pregnancy is admirable and selfless. For myself, I have remnant body issues left over from childhood which leads me to make adoption my personal choice down the road.

I think it’s admirable that Jillian wants to adopt.  However, if I were a birth mother, I’d probably think twice about giving my child to a woman who didn’t want to have children of her own out of sheer vanity.  I think it’s kind of insulting to expect another woman to have a baby for you because you don’t want “that” to happen to your body, but I guess it’s okay if “that” happens to hers?!?!  What does this say about the way she’d raise the child?  Our bodies are sacred vessels, sure, but are they so sacred that they shouldn’t be used for anything other than selling workout DVDs and posing for magazine covers?  Come on, Jillian.  Certainly you can see how messed up that is.  We are meant to live.  And “God” willing, we’ll all live until these bodies are wrinkled, weathered, and completely devoid of a six-pack abdomen.  “Remnant body issues” or not, Jillian needs to have to come to terms with the fact that her  body is not going to look like this forever, and that is something she is going to have to learn to accept.

As a feminist, I do think that Jillian Michaels is a woman who has every right to feel however she wants to feel about giving birth.  Yet, I also believe that people should be holding this celebrity fitness guru accountable for making statements about the body that go against everything she tries to tell her customers.

As a business woman and entrepreneur, Jillian needs to remember that many of her customers are mothers, and they don’t want to hear somebody tell them that there’s no hope for their post-baby body.  As a matter of fact, what we need to be telling mothers is that their post-baby bodies look great, even if they don’t look like Heidi Klum, or even Heidi Klum’s fat sister “Greta.”  And at the end of our lives, me, and Jillian, and Heidi Klum are all going to be wrinkled just the same, and nobody will ever care whether birth widened our hips or not.

Maybe then, Jillian will wonder whether clinging to her body image issues was worth it…

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UPDATE:  A commentor pointed me toward this clarification by Jillian, which states that her problems are physical infertility, and not a body image distortion.  I’m glad I wrote about this, otherwise I might never have gotten the real story and would have stayed mad at Jillian forever and ever.  Let this be a lesson to those in the media to either answer the question truthfully, or plead the 5th.  Your professional reputation may depend on it.

May 5th, 2010

Happy International Day of the Midwife

Today, May 5th, is International Day of the Midwife! This year, a big focus is on bringing more midwives into the “virtual” world to expand their reach through social media outlets, which in turn will help more women in more places.

My contribution to the Virtual celebration is a 1-hour special broadcast of TFB & Friends Radio featuring Amy Romano, Mary Murry, and Amie Newman.

Tune in at NOON central time* to listen, call in, and engage with my special guests. All you need is a computer! Visit this link to set yourself a reminder to listen to the show. In case you miss it, the archived recording will be available shortly after the end.

Amy Romano, MSN, CNM, is a Connecticut-based midwife and managing editor of Science & Sensibility, Lamaze International’s research blog for childbirth professionals. Earlier this year, she won a national advocacy award from the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services for her work on the blog.

Amie Newman is the Managing Editor of RH Reality Check, an award-winning, daily online publication covering global reproductive and sexual health news and information. She writes frequently about childbirth, access to midwifery, and postpartum concerns of mothers and is passionate about bringing these issues into the broader reproductive and sexual health and rights movement.

Mary Murry, MSN, CNM is a nurse-midwife at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, co-editor in chief of the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and author of the Pregnancy and Birth Blog at MayoClinic.com.

Check out the Twitter feed to keep up with the day’s events…

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U.S. Show times

1:00 pm Eastern
12:00 pm Central
11:00 am Mountain
10:00 am Pacific

April 28th, 2010

How ‘Bout We All Just Help Each Other Out?

Yesterday when I posted on the topic of leaving kids in cars, I had one commentor who brought up a great point about the loneliness so many of us feel as parents.  The commentor said:

“The next time you (anyone reading this) are out in the world and you see a parent clearly struggling to do what she needs to do while keeping everyone safe — and maybe doing something you think is putting her child in danger — instead of judging her critically, or hanging around to protect her kid from her irresponsibility — walk up to her WITH A SMILE — a sincere one — and say “it looks like you could use a hand — how can I help.” This critical holier than thou attitude has got to stop or we are going to eat each other alive. Stop judging — start helping!”

Amen, Sister! Although, I will admit that any time someone offers me a hand, I look at them with the stink eye and think “How dare you imply that I cannot handle whatever it is I think I’m handling just fine!” This could be a symptom of my jerky fiercely independent personality, or it could be that I’m so used to never rarely being offered help that I become suspicious when someone does bother.

One time, one of the other moms at preschool, out of nowhere, DID ask me if she could watch Julesy while I walked Jonas up to the preschool door.  I was like “Uuuhh… yeah, sure – thanks?” Yet, I thought it was totally unnecessary because, like I said yesterday, I was throwing distance from the car (and people, I do not throw far) AND I could see him the whole time – sooooo… why would somebody need to watch him?

But, she was compelled to help, so I let her.  And then I obsessed about it in my head for weeks… I wondered “did she think what I was doing was wrong?  Or had she just never noticed until that day that I left Julesy in his seat, and on that day she saw him there and figured I needed a hand?” I’ll never know.

What I do know is that many of our lives would be made a lot easier, and our kids would be a lot better off, if we could find that “village” that Hillary talked about.  We, as a society, don’t seem set up for it anymore, though.

I have experienced living in every type of area, in nearly every corner of this country.  I have witnessed the deep sense of community (both good and bad) offered by the small town of less than 2,000 residents.  I have also lived in the two of the three largest cities in this country (Chicago & Los Angeles) and seen the complete lack of community (both good and bad) occurring in a city of several million residents.  In my experience, the bigger the city, the less people will talk to their neighbors, or offer them a hand.  Why is that?  Is it mistrust?  Maybe it’s a claustrophobic sense of needing to keep what tiny amount limited personal space we have while living on top of each other?  Maybe people just don’t care because they don’t think they’ll ever see you again?

Whatever it is, our whole western world seems to be moving farther and farther away from the village mentality, and closer to a one-upsmanship attitude. I’ve heard a lot of people quip “if you can’t take care of ‘em, you shouldn’ta had ‘em!” Not cool. I mean, I’m all for living sustainably, but no man or woman is an island – not even me – no matter how independent I try to tell myself I am.

Henceforth I’m going to do my very best to treat other people’s kids (and their parents) as though they are connected to me in some small way.  One day, that kid is going to be building my roads.  Or, he’ll be answering my 911 call. Or, she’ll be operating on my fractured hip.  Or she’ll be passing the laws that keep me safe.  Or, she’ll be marrying my kid.  And if nothing else, that little person is going to pay the taxes that support this country after I’m too old to work anymore.

We’re all in this together.  Her kids are in your future just as your kids are in her future, so next time you see a mom having a hard time, just stop and ask her if she could use a hand.  And next time someone offers me one, I’ll try to accept it without feeling like I’ve failed at self-sufficiency.  Let’s all try to reserve our judgment of each other and remember that each of us is (probably) trying to do the very best we can.

Now it’s your turn – How often do you help a mom out?  Are you nervous asking if she needs help?  Does she usually accept? Do you like being offered help yourself? What’s the sense of community like in your particular neighborhood?