April 7th, 2010
The Day I Broke The Internets
What happened yesterday sent me on such an emotional roller coaster, it may take me a week to recover. My nerves are still raw. My emotions are still running high. But I know many people are wondering what the hell happened so I’ve gotta spill the details.
Yesterday I wrote a post that went so viral that my hosting provider couldn’t handle the traffic I got, and terminated my service, without any warning whatsoever. The post was up for 8 hours, and in that time it pulled in 10,000 page views, 865 people shared it on Facebook, there were 150 comments left, and it was reposted all over Baby Center, The Bump, iVillage, and dozens of other message boards and websites. I have no idea what I said to even get that kind of response.
Of course, someone like Dooce gets that kind of traffic every hour that her blog is up, so the I cannot understand how my obviously-worthless hosting company couldn’t handle my little surge.
I just purchased 3 years in advance from this hosting provider, thinking I’d make the investment and not have to worry about this again until Jonas was in grade school. But instead, on the one day I need good service, I get shut down instead. Here is the email that I find 3 hours after the ordeal started:
Hi Gina,
As you probably aware, here at Just Host we proactively monitor all our servers to ensure that our clients websites are loading as fast as possible at all times. During this outine monitoring we have found that your account is utilizing an excessive amount of system resources, and we have been forced to suspend your site as per our terms and conditions ’10% CPU/Memory Policy’ For your reference, here is a copy of your usage report:
Top Process %CPU 153 /usr/bin/php /home/aheadma1/public_html/thefeministbreeder.com/index.php
Top Process %CPU 117 /usr/bin/php /home/aheadma1/public_html/thefeministbreeder.com/index.php
Top Process %CPU 116 /usr/bin/php /home/aheadma1/public_html/thefeministbreeder.com/index.phpJust Host offer unlimited hosting space and unlimited bandwidth, but as per our terms we will suspend any website which exceeds our 10% CPU/Memory policy. We hope that you understand our position in ensuring that we provide the best possible service. In order to continue to provide this high quality service, you will need to upgrade to a dedicated server, which will give you an abundance of additional resources and speed up your website. As a loyal Just Host customer we have arranged for you to receive a special deal on a dedicated server with SingleHop, (our trusted dedicated partner) who will assist you with everything you need to make your switch a smooth transaction.
Please visit this link to upgrade to a dedicated server: http://www.justhost.com/godedicated
Sorry for any inconvenience, and we hope you understand our decision. Once you have made the switch to dedicated, feel free to contact us at billing@justhost.com for a refund of your current Just Host account. On behalf of everyone here at Just Host, we wish you all the best with your online ventures.Thank you.
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Kind regards,
Oliver Leach,
Just Host
www.justhost.com
That’s it. No recourse except to buy a dedicated server. No offer to purchase more bandwidth. No offer to keep my site up until I can get my files off. JustHost – you are slimy assholes.
No, this is not the kind of thing a hosting provider usually does, unless you’ve apparently signed up with World’s Biggest Criminals Hosting Provider, a.k.a. JustHost, for your service. I tried calling them – no phone number could be reached. I tried doing their live support chat – but that guy told me my account had been suspended and there was nothing they could do, then he hung up on me! The nerve! According to the link they gave me, my only option for retrieving my files was to immediately purchase a $150 dedicated server. Nothing else. They were essentially holding my site for ransom.
Meanwhile, visitors are pouring into my broken site at 2 every second, and then the panicked messages start coming to me, and then I’m even more panicked, and the whole thing starts to become a massive panic attack.
(now, I realize this could sound totally childish to some people – It’s not like I got sent to war, or lost a child, or something that traumatic. But please, understand that in this moment, this was one of the most frightening, out-of-control things that I’ve ever been through.)
This company is holding my files hostage. I’ve been robbed. 5 years of writing. 5 years of pictures. Thousands of comments from readers. My whole hub has been taken from me and I can’t do anything about it. I didn’t even have EMAIL anymore because that was tied to my hosting. Everyone’s freaking out around me. I’m shaking, my chest closes up, and I’m bawling all over my keyboard. I can’t do anything but just cry.
Then, my community kicks into crisis mode, and what happens next is most generosity I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was astonishing. It just breaks my heart. I will never be able to thank all the people who came to my aid last night.
Immediately someone suggests I set up a PayPal account to accept donations. You’d have to know me, but I never, ever take anything from anybody, especially money. I was raised to never accept help (which is kind of a stupid and ultimately selfish thing at times, but hey, that’s the way they raised me.) But I’m desperate, and I don’t know what else to do. I try setting up a PayPal account but I have no email address so I can’t. I couldn’t even focus long enough to think about setting up a Gmail account to setup a Paypal account, so one of my new cyber friends, Kathy Fitz-Lopez (@milkstained) swoops in and sets up a donation button for me.
This is the unreal part. Within 18 minute – 18 minutes – she brought in the $150 ransom fee. More donations came after, even when people knew we reached our goal, and we got up to $190 (last I checked).
Also, friends on Facebook and Twitter are writing angry letters to JustHost telling them to give me my service back. Friends are trying to get them on chat because Support wouldn’t talk to me anymore, and people all over Twitter telling JustHost where to stick it.
While that was happening, StarryMom (my unbelievably talented and resourceful webmistress) managed to ninja her way onto the phone with someone at JustHost, and got them to unlock my account long enough to get my files off. I immediately got on the phone with GoDaddy (who I buy all my domains from) and had them set me up with an account big enough to handle all the traffic. Sarah (StarryMom) stayed up all night transferring the files to my new servers and sorting everything out. At 4 am, I finally saw TheFeministBreeder.com homepage again. And then, I cried some more.
And after all that – I couldn’t help but think…
All I can do is try to chuckle about it now. I’m still spent, but thankfully my support team mitigated the damage as much as humanly possible, and I can publish this post today thanks to all their dedication to my silly little website.
I cannot express the gratitude I feel for having people around me who would donate their time and money into helping me – a relative stranger. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to deserve that kind of help and support, but I only hope that I can deserve it someday. I’ve got a lot of paying it forward to do.
To everyone who donated to me, Kathy forwarded me your donation receipt and you will ALL be receiving a personal thank you note from me. At first I was going to post my donor list here, but in consideration of one’s privacy, I thought it better that you can leave your name and a link to your site (facebook, twitter, whatever you want) if you’re willing to let your graciousness be acknowledged publicly.
March 19th, 2010
The Birth Advocate’s Fable – Dr. Seuss Style
The Lorax, by Dr. Seuss, is a quite literal fable, carrying heavy lessons about industrialization and big business. I’ve been reading this book to my boys for quite some time, but when I came back from the NIH VBAC conference, the book took on a whole new meaning to me. Rather than just seeing the obvious reference to environmentalism, I now see the Lorax and the Once-ler as new characters relative to my life.
The Lorax is The Midwife – She speaks for The Mothers
The Once-ler is the Medical Industry – A Capitalist without much of a Conscience
And so it goes…
Once there was a land where women helped other women birth. Midwives watched over The Mothers while they brought forth life in peace and spirituality.
Then The Once-ler came along and saw something he could capitalize on. He set up shop in The Lorax’s world, then quickly made a contraption and convinced folks they couldn’t live without it. He built a Machine and told women they and their babies need it to survive. The Machine was a hit, and the more Machines He built, the more The Women flocked to them.
The Once-ler built hospitals filled with Machines to crank out the babies as fast as can be. The Lorax saw a situation spinning out of control and told the Once-ler, “Your Machines are hurting The Mothers!” But the Once-ler would not hear it. He dismissed The Lorax as a crazy, old kook with no understanding of this new-fangled technology.
Every time The Lorax showed up to complain, the Once-ler boasted about a new instrument that would help Him produce faster and cheaper, all the while ignoring the destruction around Him. The Lorax pleads with The Once-ler, “The Mothers say their tummies feel crummy!” But the Once-ler saw no connection between His Super Axe-Hacker and the problems the Mummys had with their Crummy-feeling Tummies. After all, The Greedy Old Once-ler was figgering on biggering and biggering, and stopping to care for the Crummy-Tummied Mummies would complicate His enterprising plans.
Eventually, The Lorax was driven from that place, and could no longer speak for The Mothers. But in the absence of The Lorax, the landscape looked quite grim. All the way to the horizon laid a sea of chopped-down Mothers who no longer bore the same fruitful yield of yesteryear. It was only then that The Once-ler realized he had chopped himself straight out of business.
BUT! — if we all tell the story of The Lorax, and each plant just one seed, imagine the landscape we could create. The Lorax could return to speak for The Mothers, while the bounteous, beautiful birth experiences blossom across the land.
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I suppose Dr. Seuss’s book can be applied to a number of different meanings, but I think if Dr. Seuss were here today, he’d agree with me on this one.
February 26th, 2010
Choices and Decisions: I Need a Sign
I have a lot to think about right now. For the last 2 years, I’ve been planning to do a summer study-abroad program in Rome. I was all set to submit my deposit last fall when I was unexpectedly nominated for a Harry S. Truman Scholarship. Unfortunately, the scholarship and my international studies would conflict. To accept the Truman award, I would be required to attend the Scholars week – no getting out of it – which occurs the first week I would have started class in Rome.
After much discussion, I decided I would rather try to win the $30,000 award. That would be the prudent thing to do. Rome could wait.
Since I would have the summer off now, Hyphenated Husband and I discussed, instead, signing me up for the Childbirth Educator Certification course that I’ve been wanting do take for the last year. That was my consolation prize for not getting to take the Rome trip that I’ve been desperately wanting to take.
However, on Tuesday I learned that I was not selected for the Truman award. Well – at least not yet. The nominating professor at my school believed 100% in my application, and when I wasn’t selected as a finalist, he wrote me to tell me that he was appealing the decision. Apparently the Truman foundation allows schools to make appeals on behalf of their candidates, and he said I was the strongest applicant he had ever seen in all the time he had been the nominating professor, so he wanted to go to bat for me. There is still a slim shot I could be selected for an interview in the next week, but I’m just cutting my losses on that one and mentally moving on.
Of course, it sucked, hard core, not to get picked for that award. I’ve won almost every scholarship I’ve ever applied for, and I worked for months on the Truman application. I truly felt that my application was top-notch, and obviously, so did my school. But even though the rejection hurt, it did make me feel a million times better that my professor thought enough of me to appeal the decision. At least I know I wasn’t crazy for applying, even if Truman didn’t like me. The amount of work I put into that application taught me a lot about myself anyway. It gave me a clear vision of exactly what I want to do with my life, and what I have to do to get there.
But now that I know I didn’t win a Truman award, which means I don’t have to attend the Scholar’s week, there’s nothing stopping me from going to Rome. Well – except that last weekend we decided to spend money on getting my Childbirth Educator Certification courses this summer.
So now I don’t know what to do. Each decision will (in the short term) cost me the same amount of money.
- If I put down the deposit for Rome, I can’t pay to get my CCE.
- If I pay for my CCE courses, I won’t have the time or money to go to Rome.
- I’ve wanted both for years.
- Rome is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity (I’ll be graduating next year.)
- But my CCE could help me bring in some income – right?
- But Rome is going to be really, reallllllly expensive.
- But getting my CCE will be a lot of work.
Can you see where I’m going with this? I don’t know what to do. I’ve got about 5 more days to decide because the deadline for Rome is next week. I believe a lot in signs, and I think I really need a sign to tell me what the right choice is. Yesterday my friend, who lives in Italy, who I only talk to once every few years, posted something on Facebook asking me if I was coming to Rome this summer. Then, this morning, I got a call from the International Studies office asking me the same question.
Part of me feels like those are signs that I should quickly get my deposit over to the office and go ahead with my Rome plans as intended.
But I don’t know. It would be so much easier just to stay home and get my CCE, and I could potentially make money with that. Rome wouldn’t make me any money.
But maybe getting my CCE won’t make me any money either. It seems like most of the childbirth educators I know say they can’t get enough students to make any decent cash.
Okay, internet peoples – it’s your turn to grapple with this. What would you do if you were me? Will Rome be better? Will getting my CCE be better? If you have experience taking either path, please let me know what you think.
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UPDATE: Well, the overwhelmingly Pro-Rome response here made it clear to me how I really feel about this. I want badly to do both, but that’s just not possible. I think I actually want to get my CCE (or CBE, which ever you call it) worse than going to Rome right at this moment, but I also know that I have all the time in the world to do that, but I don’t have all the time in the world to take advantage of an undergrad program in Rome. Although, one rockin’ lawyer birth junkie did point out to me that I can study abroad when I’m in law school, so this certainly isn’t my last chance to do this. But I’ve been planning for two years to do this program, and it fulfills some core requirements that I need anyway. If I don’t take these classes in Rome, I’ll just need to take them here – in boring ol’ Chicago.
So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to the International Studies office on Monday and putting down my deposit. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going – I have to make sure I can get the financial aid first (which, in all honesty, seems like a long shot.) If I don’t get that, then my decision is made for me (which would be a relief.) If I do get it, then the universe wants me in Rome this June. Then, I’m going to apply for the ICEA scholarship that the lovely Dou-la-la mentioned below, and if that works out, then that was meant to be. If it doesn’t, I’ll just have to save up for my CBE (or CCE) some other way.
Thank you to everyone for your honest opinions and your guidance. I really truly appreciate it. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I respect other people’s perspectives. It helps me gauge how I really feel about something.
February 5th, 2010
You Guys are Making Me Cry
A couple days ago I posted a virtual cry for help here, and a request for help here, after feeling an overwhelming sense of uncertainty, anxiety, and apprehension about a third birth ( my second VBAC.)
But you, my dear friends (cyber and otherwise) responded to the call with an outpouring of emotional support, encouragement, and generosity. While a few simple chearleading comments was the most I had hoped for, some of you went above and beyond the call, and responded to my cry with more than I could have dreamed.
♥ One of you sent me your Hypnobabies CDs, along with the VBAC tracks, saving me well over $150.
♥ One of you offered to let me and the Hyphenated Husband attend your Bradley class, at no charge, because you said I deserved it for helping so many other women through their VBACs. *tear*
♥ One of you offered me your Hypnobirthing book and CD, along with a ton of other resources to help me learn about hypnotic birthing methods.
♥ One of you gave me some other positive pregnancy materials to help me get into a more peaceful mental state during this impending gestation.
♥ And many more of you left lengthy, thoughtful, and kind comments and suggestions to help me feel safer and more secure in my decisions.
So what I have learned this week, if I didn’t know it before, is that women in my community care about each other, and they care about me. Each time someone has come through for me, it makes my chest buckle, my eyes well up, and my throat squeeze closed. I’ve been doing a lot of crying this week – in a good way.
When my chips were down, and I was the one that needed the help instead of being the one who gives it, you swept in and lifted me up. My faith in sisterhood, community, and humanity have been restored this week. Thank you all.
Now stop making me cry… It’s ruining my contact lenses. 
