I've been reading you for about 3 years now. I found you right after my unecessarian. I just wanna say that i am a single mother, full time college student (with a 4.0), and I work full time. I can't get government assistance because I don't get child support. It's hectic. I graduate in 11 months. I am stressed all the time! Who wouldn't be? I want to pull my hair out and cry about 50 times a day. Despite what people say I know that by showing my daughter that I can work and get a degree while raising her is going to make her proud of me. It's also going to show her she can do anything. You are gonna get through this and your children will know how hard you worked. To put it simply, you rock.

Gina, have you had your thyroid levels checked? Often hypothyroidism is masked and misdiagnosed as depression.

Oh no! That's terrible! I wouldn't want to take it again either. Maybe a really skilled therapist? Have you ever tried Cognitive Behavior Therapy? When I was pregnant with Ari I had to go off meds and seriously, the only thing that kept me sane during that time was the fact that I was in CBT. It took away all the yucky depressive thoughts and eased my anxiety. My best friend was like "you were the most stable you've EVER been." I don't know, but I'd say it's worth a shot!

Have you considered a chiropractor? Others may have already suggested this, and I just didn't read the comments. The chiropractor I go to is more interested in your whole body being well and the nerves and all that crap, more than just your bone being in the right place. He doesn't twist you, which was great when I was pregnant because I wasn't worried about him twisting my neck and my head falling off and then who would take care of the baby? I wished you lived in NC or at least closer. He only charges $35 and doesn't require insurance.

"but I feel like I need to see a specialist who will know exactly what to put ME on."

http://www.psych.uic.edu/research/perinatalmentalhealth/

They've helped more than a few of my patients. They're evidence based (unusual in the obstetrics field), and they know side effect profiles.

And then:

Mara Tesler Stein PsyD
Partners in Perinatal & Pediatric Consulting
Chicago IL
Phone: 773-338-2980

She specializes in everything about the childbearing year, and is a feminist.

Before I even got to the "writhing-on-the-bathroom-floor" part, I thought, "50 mg is too high to start on, and NO dose should be taken on an empty stomach." You know your body, but your description of your reaction isn't exotic or even unusual, it was predictable.

Best wishes on your journey. You're already a force to be reckoned with; I have some trouble imagining how unstoppable you'd be with adequately treated depression. This world just may not be able to handle you.

Warmly-
Jennifer

A naturopath :)
I do well when I take Omega 3, formulated for "women's mental health", as well as zinc, magnesium, vit D, and B12. At night I take valerian to aid in sleeping. Good luck!

funny thing; even for atheists, prayer works, and/or believing that someone else has it under control so you dont have to... for some reason ive had atheist friends who have said that it works for them.
anyway, regardless, ILL pray for you.

Has anyone suggested Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT or tapping for short?) It sounds like a crazy hippie hoax but it actually works. A nurse friend of mine uses it all the time and it is very easy to learn. Here's a url: http://eft.mercola.com/

Hey Gina,

I sympathize with your pain as far as side effects are concerned, but urge you to keep that spirit of if-at-first-you-don't-succeed... I started taking Welbutrin (again, after 4 years off of it) because my depression had gotten so bad that everything that I have worked so hard to achieve was falling in around me.

Although I started at 1/2 the dose I had been on back then, the side effects (i.e. increased insomnia & a little stomach sensitivity) were negligible, but 3 weeks in & I was still in decline. About 10 days ago, my dosage was increased to that which I had been on before.

That night, I was wracked with rushing thoughts, intermittent fever & chills, and dizziness. This lasted about 4 days, in which I stepped it back to the 1/2 dose. I was petrified about having a bad drug interaction, but it forced me to do something that has since been a blessing. I called my sisters, told them I was sick & had one come out to care for me. This was the push I needed to realize that IT'S OK TO NEED OTHERS!

6 days ago, I went back on the full dose. I've had 2 bad days (1 anxiety-ridden & 1 physically ill) but the 4 "normal" days where I was actually the me that I knew I was inside have made those 2 bad days (& even the sickness last week) completely worth it.

From the extent of how much your depression if effecting (& affecting) your life, I know that it's a serious problem that you HAVE to address. Not just for yourself, but for your family. If your kids amaze you at how smart they can be, you need to realize that they are smart enough to know that Mommy has a real problem. If you don't correct it a.s.a.p., your boys can end up with real mental scars.

(I'm sorry if that last part hurt, but as a person who grew up in a home where my Mom who loved us fiercely and unconditionally yet has been acutely depressed for as long as I can remember, I have those scars to prove it.)

Depression can run in families. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain that, like serious issues with any other organ in the body, it needs medical help. What will happen if (and I sincerely hope not) your boys develop this problem, but remember the deep-running stigma that you passed on to them about finding help for depression? Will they be able to make themselves get the help that they need or will they pull it inwards and let it consume their lives?

Again, I'm sorry for the tough love here, but you have to realize that the problems that affect you, affect everyone you love. If you can get help now, you can help your children be healthy throughout their lives. If you can't do it for you, at least do it for them.

Best wishes and be well.

Hi, Gina. Your experience with Zoloft reminds me of mine with Paxil 10+ yrs ago. I never felt closer to wanting to die than those 2 days I was taking it. And since then, I've been very hesitant to take any chemicals. Advil is about the most I want to take. I did take Buspar twice since my experience with Paxil, and it was fine, but I weaned from it after a month both times because I hate taking medicine, especially that kind. I digress.
The reason I wanted to comment was to tell you what I did to help overcome my PPD. Maybe it'll spark something that will ultimately help you. Someone recommended the book "The Depression Cure" by Stephen Ilardi to me. It is a 6-step (I know, I know, steps are kind of lame) way to overcome depression without drugs. Basically, it goes into detail about light therapy (you can get a light box at Target for $50!) and omega 3's and 6's, and so on. I think it truly helped me.
Another thing I did was sign up for the Live a Better Life in 30 Days Challenge on the Personal Excellence Blog. I don't know whether you've heard of that blog, but it's really helpful, and I spent 23 of the 30 days (I stopped then because I felt better and was too busy to do the rest of the days) gaining a whole new perspective on my life. I felt optimistic again and had goals, which I hadn't had in years.
I also went to therapy twice per month, which was helpful although $30 a shot.
Anyway, I hope some of this helps you. I'm sure you must be getting a ton of advice from everyone, but I had to put it out there anyway. Good luck.

I still think you need to sit back and re-evaluate a lot of things. You are doing too much and apparently only setting yourself up to do more. Law school? With three children? Working as a lawyer? With three children. While being a doula on the side? When is the time you savor the kids? Your husband? When is the time you exercise or read a book--for pleasure. I see it all around, women doing too much. It's pathological, I think. I understand you may need to keep up with school now for the loan/grant money, etc. but seriously, re-evaluate. Not trying to be mean, but I really can't fathom why you would choose to have another child at this stage of the game, either. But, that of course, must go on. Please, try to think of strategies to slow down...

Gah! That doesn't sound good. I'm sorry the Zoloft affected you in that way. And I hope that you find some sort of solution that works for you - whatever that is.

Be well.

I am sorry to hear that you had such a horrible night. I have gotten great care from a community acupuncture clinic near when I live. I looked it up, and there are clinics in Chicago and Evanston w/ a sliding scale starting at $20, and one in Elk River that starts at $15. I know that might be too steep for weekly visits (not to mention the time needed to be childless for a couple of hours). It has helped me so much, and I never could have afforded it had it not been so affordable. I try to go every week, and I get the best rest there. It's worth the price for that nap alone :)
Anyway, here's a link w/ the addresses:
http://www.communityacupuncturenetwork.org/clinics#IL

Hope you can figure this out soon. Good luck!

I just got off Zoloft due to the pregnancy. I debated your exact question on pregnancy #2 and decided no go with Z. As soon as we found out we're pregnant now, I cut it cold turkey which is awful may I add. Good luck with you and Z.

Suggestion... Rosen Massage.

Go look it up and read about it and see if it's possibly for you at all. It's all about releasing blocked emotions and from everything you've described, you have some major blockages.

Think of it this way. When you have pain, sorrow, grief or anger and you don't FULLY express it and GET IT OUT...what happens to your body...physically? Answer - you clench some muscles to hold it in and control the emotion.

Just even do a tiny experiment of *pretending* to hold in an emotion... and watch what your body does as you pretend. For me, if I pretend I'm holding in anger, immediately my butt muscles clench, as well as my jaw, and probably some other random muscles in my abdomen I'm not even aware of.

Rosen massage helps you access *old* pain that you haven't dealt with fully, and it helps you to release it through releasing the muscles that are still left "holding" this pain - through muscle tension, etc. It's a very subtle technique but I have had 5 Rosen massages in my life and they were all INCREDIBLE. Aftewards I felt lighter, happier, and more relaxed than I had with any other therapy I'd sought out for dealing with emotions.

If I could get one every week I would, but unfortunately the closest practitioner to me is 2 hours from me. However, there may be several near you since you live in a more urban area. Here is a site all about it...and they have a listing there somewhere of all the practitioners...
http://www.rosenmethod.com/about_qs.html

I'm truly sorry you had to deal with all that. The decision process and then the awful side effects.
I'm glad you are recognizing you need some kind of assistance and will seek out the other Doc...
Bottom line--- EVERYONE is different. Some can tolerate meds, need them and do well. Others do better without meds and utilize some other treatment modality.
I agree with Jill that the trial and error really blows.
I hope you can find what works for YOU ASAP!!

As a pregnant woman who has dealt with depression for a good 7 years, I empathize with your situation. Through all my trial and error over the years, the one thing I learned is that you don't have to feel this way. There is something--whether it's meds or not--that will work for you.

I have been very much opposed to pharmaceuticals, shunning them in favor of good health habits and talk therapy. I've tried EVERYTHING--vitamin testing, food allergy testing, yoga, meditation, exercise, less stress. I still include many of those things in my routine, but without medication, it all falls apart. I'm on 30mg of Celexa and plan to stay on it throughout my pregnancy. My 18 week anatomy scan today showed a 100% healthy, normal baby boy.

If you're interested in more details, I wrote about my experiences through the preconception and pregnancy phases here: http://preconceptionist.wordpress.com/category/depression-2/

This is a subject that is very dear to me. It's refreshing to see another pregnant woman be so honest about her experiences. Thank you!

Ugh - that sounds awful. Do you know a good therapist? When I got hit by the PPD truck I felt like the talk therapy worked better than the Z. I did keep taking the Z for a couple more weeks just to maintain the happy place but was easily able to wean myself from it while continuing the therapy.

I hope you're able to find something to help feel better. Hormones are nothing to mess with.

50 mg sounds like a high dosage to start off with. I don't expect that you'll try a lower dose at this point (if I had that same experience, I wouldn't either) but I do hope you find a doctor who can help you.

Another commenter above recommended a DO instead of an MD and I agree that that's a great place to start.

Good luck!

Man I am so, so sorry to hear it. I know you've heard a bazillion suggestions, and I don't know the ins and outs of this one while pregnant, but I highly highly recommend St Johns Wort. I started taking it about a month ago, mostly for anxiety but also for some depression, and oh em gee. I feel like a different person. One who is not manic and stressed all the time. One who does not dread every outing with children (who are both VERY good when we go out, the dread was generally unwarranted). One who can actually get some things done around the house because I'm not beating myself senseless with the endless list of things I need to be doing (causing me to throw my hands in the air, say "fuck it, I'll never get it all done so why try" and plop down on the computer, bored to tears.

It has been a total turnaround for me, and no side effects to speak of. I am in LOVE.

I was on and off that garbage for YEARS. Never again.

I am begging you to please get tested for vitamin/mineral issues, wheat/gluten intolerance and celiac. It is a major cause of depression. and migraines. and of mental health issues. Especially since you are pregnant.

go see Dr. Alan Bain downtown in the Loop. (He's a D.O. NOT a nat-path)

He will help you. That man saved me...( I came up vitamin D, mag, and iron def, as well as intolerant to a ton of foods).

Now at 31, I feel alive and well. Seriously.

Given your general stress level...your body is telling you something. Listen.
Pills don't truly work, they just mask the real reason we feel like crap. Changes in diet and stress do make a difference.

see more of my story under "doctor doctor" on my blog.

best wishes...

I feel for you. I'm starting to realize that I've always done the 'barter' thing, too, and maybe I need to deal with mental health in a new way. But drugs scare the crap out of me. Just sending hugs, not sure what the answers are...

Even though you might not take any more pills, I will say that taking them with food and starting at 25mg really helps. I actually got sick too, when I first started them (a couple years ago, not when I went back on them when I was pregnant this last time). Since I have an eating disorder anyway, I didn't mind getting sick. I lost ten pounds in two weeks and that really cheered me up. (Oh, how I hope my daughters end up mentally healthier than me!)

Also--and you probably know this--but any therapist who specializes in PPD is usually an expert at prenatal depression as well.

I'm thinking of you, Gina. Hope something helps soon.

Hmm... Well, in my experience with those types of meds, 50 mg. right off seems like a bit much. I'm not a doctor, but when I was on the Z pill my doctor upped the dosage from 25 to 50 and added Abilify to the mix — I got as sick as can be. Low blood pressure, passing out to the floor, vomiting... All that good stuff. Thankfully I ended up with another psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac which he slowly increased over time - it worked for me better than the other two medications. However, I decided to quit cold turkey after I found out I was pregnant — but that was just the right choice for me.

From a totally logical point of view, that awful experience could be (a) just a coincidence or (b) a reaction to or side-effect of the Zoloft that would become unnoticeable with time.

Having said that, you have the right to choose what to put it your body and if you never want to go near those pills again, so be it.

other options would be to:
- try another antidepressant that is low-risk for pregnancy
- no antidepressant while pregnant, but start one that is safe as possible for breastfeeding when the baby is born.

Other non-pharmaceutical things to explore (with or without medication)
- meditation. I know you're not religious, but meditation is not about god or gods, but about you.
- exercise
- yoga with meditation. Perhaps you could know a prenatal yoga teacher and could do a skills swap with her/him instead of cash?
- therapy. It is not an indication of failure; it is learning about yourself and learning skills to cope with life.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find something that is safe and sustainable, and that you can begin to feel better soon.

Does your insurance cover talk therapy, or Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy? I did CBT after having my first child, to deal with my rage, anxiety, and OCD. It really did help. It took a long time, but it didn't make me puke.

And I know this probably won't help now, since you're pregnant, but there is one thing that really, really helps me with all my issues when I'm not. It's legal for medical use in California. :)