i absolutely know of which you speak. i’ve been there recently. I had the tears on my cheeks and bottles of pills in my cabinet. i still occasionally take a xanax but i’m not on the heavier stuff anymore.
You ARE awesome! but your depressed and being a mom of small people most likely exhausted.
If there is anyway at all possible for you to walk for 45min a day it will change your whole life. there are whole truckloads of scientific data to back me up here and personally it’s what has saved me from myself on too many occasions to count.
If you want to talk i’m on twitter = sagepixie, facebook = quinlonsma@yahoo.com (there are a few people with the same name as me so just put in my email) or you can call or text me 949 and then 274 and then 0577
have you checked out flylady.net? she has a lot there to help people where they are…

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You and I are frighteningly similar (except you swear more and are a better writer and have two boys instead of two girls). I assume the way you feel has everything to do with how you were raised and made to feel about yourself and nothing to do with what you have to show for yourself now. That early childhood freudian stuff follows us around. By any chance was your husband the first guy who was different from all the rest? The one who loved and respected you when no one else got it quite right? But maybe not necessarily the one who you assumed growing up/being in your early 20′s/that you would marry? Because you were drawn to a different type? Or am I just assuming we’re similar and talking out my ass? I have trouble appreciating what I have too because it’s just not what I’m used to. My man is unlike every man I’ve ever known in practically every way. I look at him and wonder “who *is* this person?” And getting my Masters? I logically assume if I get it it will come with a price: my marriage, most likely, because no one in my family has ever made it that far in school (except my genius cousin but she doesn’t count) and no one’s marriage has ever weathered any kind of storm. I firmly believe it’s all in the childhood…

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@melodie – you’re too funny. I do swear more than you, but the “better writer” part is certainly debatable.
Yes, the husband was the very first guy that ever treated me right. He was the first person that ever really believed in me, and made me feel like he wasn’t going anywhere. I know the childhood stuff follows me around, but dammit, I need to shake it off! But, like I said before, you can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can’t take the trailer out of the girl.

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This post hit close to home. Here I was, ready to write on my diary about how much today sucked, but loaded Blogger instead and your post was the first on my list. I have an awesome husband, but I have a family full of ridiculous drama and I often feel like I am just not the mom my daughter deserves. I wish I knew what to tell you… I decided to make a point of exercising when my daughter naps and I recently began drinking chamomile tea because I am desperate to make myself feel better and I don’t want to take an anti-depressant. I am hoping that this will help me and, hopefully, something that I have said in my ramblings will help you!

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wow- you should get out of my head!! I have chalked MY being told my life is amazing to the people saying it only seeing the amazing parts. They don’t see the fights and the puke and the diapers. They don’t see the loneliness or tired feet. The don’t have to understand a 4 yo who can’t talk and tantrums like crazy or a two yo with ADHD. Granted- I AM a pessimist so you definately shouldn’t take advice form me -lol- Maybe we are just holding on to what could have been, and what might be, some day, but we need to focus on what is. Ya know? Not to sound all ‘Zen Master’ on you or anything. P.S I don’t know you but thinh yer pretty damned awesome so far!

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Gina, I read this and it reminded me of what you just said.
“Depression brings the whole world inside me. I look at people and everything around me, and I’m not seeing anything but evidence of how bad I am. I’m dancing with my own nightmares. Even if I’m only mildly depressed and feel suspended amid a thousand possibilities, no one of which I can choose, I’m assuming that whichever I might pick will not take me anywhere. I’ll move in an endless circle.”
http://www.storiedmind.com/2009/09/23/making-decisions-when-depressed/#more-1463
You are an inspiration. Really. I love your blog and am amazed at your accomplishments and the goals you are setting for yourself. I hope you get the help you need — whether it’s medication or something else. You can (and knowing you… you will) get through this.

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Sorry for the way too long post.
I stumbled across your blog a couple of weeks ago and I love it. I am looking forward to one day having some time to sit down and read everything you have written. Your blog is one of the most entertaining and refreshing (not to mention well written!) blogs I have read.
A lot of what you have said in this post resonates with me. My mum died when I was young and it was all handled very badly. As I result I spent my childhood, teens and twenties being someone who did not expect to be happy and if things started going well (if i even recognised that they were) then that was just a sign that something bad was about to happen.
I was always so horrid to boys that none of them ever persisted with me (which of course just confirmed that i was a deeply unattractive person). Then I met my husband. He persisted where others had sensibly given up. And boy was I horrid to him. When I asked him years later why he persisted he just said that he thought we would be good together and that I would eventually see this too. He is a lovely guy and way better looking than me. When I met him he was a year out of a long-term relationship and had a bevvy of women after him. He was perfect on all fronts except for his one major flaw – he liked me! What on earth was wrong with him?! Yes how ridiculous that this was his major failing.
Anyway in the last couple of months I have realised that my thinking has changed. I have shaken my childhood stuff off. Unfortunately I’m not really sure how I got from there to here. It is partly my husband, partly my kids, partly a great birth experience (VBAC). I did have some counseling in my early 20s and that was a big help and I don’t think I would be in my relationship now if it wasn’t for that. But that was a long time ago now and the negative thinking persisted for a good decade after I finished!
I know this isn’t much help but somehow I found a way out and hopefully you will too. Of course I’m not quite Pollyanna just yet and occasionally I still do ponder what I will do when my husband wakes up to himself and leaves me. But I do feel now that I deserve to be happy and I can actually soak up the good stuff rather than looking for the bad. I also actually recognise that I have some things I am pretty damn good at (because I also hear you on the achievement stuff never being enough either but I think i’ve waffled on quite enough for now).

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You are so not alone. But deep down, I think you know this. You are awesome BTW. I am sure the people you think are awesome think the same thing.
I have my days too–actually, the last week has been pretty sucktacular. But I just went for a jog for the first time in over a week, and I suddenly feel better. That always seems to help get me out of a funk.

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Oh, the Void. That stupid, life and energy sucking Void. I get the same comment all the time, and I know how hard it is when people don’t see your personal reality. I would veture to say it almost hurts. Hang in there, you are certainly in good company it seems.

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I don’t hate you…and from the many, many comments I read on your blog, I think it is safe to say that you have many people, besides me, who like you.
You have just entered into a new part of your life. You quit a job that offered you some autonomy, and while your reasons for leaving your job were more than justified, I think it left you a bit vulnerable. You are now in a position where at the end of the week you have just as many dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and a messy house. Yet, NO PAYCHECK. Now that’s enough to make any self respecting independant girl a little bit depressed…let alone one who is also running a cake business and going to school full time.
You are not a fraud. You are getting the life you deserve. You are working for it, and when you get it, it will be sweet. There is nothing wrong with getting help, be it therapy or medication. You have a ton on your plate, and I don’t think your life sounds easy at all. Personally, I am always puzzled by people who presume such obnoxious things…because NO ONE really knows.
Do know this. You have a gift. And that gift of words and wisdom make you an amazing advocate for the causes you choose. I think you are going to make a wonderful impact in the lives of women.
I’m so sorry things are sucky right now.

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@Heather – thank you. You’re too kind. I feel like you really understand.
@Monkey Mama – you’re right… it does hurt. That’s totally the feeling. Thanks for understanding.
@Michelle and Amy (sagepixie) – You are absolutely right. I MUST get some exercise. I always feel better when I do. I need to make myself do that more.
@Ann – boy, do I know what you mean about being horrid to boys, and then being surprised when one of them sticks. I’m sorry about your Mum. That sux, but I’m glad you’ve found a way to heal (and congrats on your VBAC!)
@Amber – What’s funny is you’re one of the people I think of when I think of Moms Who’ve Got it All Together. You just seem like you’re such a pro at this. I guess we’re all just figuring it out as we go!
@Johanna S – Thank you for understanding. Let me know if you do write about it cause I’ll definitely come give you the same support you showed me.

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You are so awesome that despite feeling blah you go out of your way to make a lovely encouraging response to everyone that commented on your post. If I didn’t think you were fantastic already from reading your wonderful writing that has officially sealed the deal!

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So many of us feel, to a greater or lesser extent, like you do. I think it comes with intelligence: too much spare capacity in our heads makes us overanalyse everything in our lives.
When I was a child, I used to wonder if the fact that I was clever at school was just a big ruse that everyone else was playing on me. Weird isn’t it.
I’m sure you’ll sort it out. Be strong.

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Hey Gina. This is just for you.
I answered your question in a post. I love topics like that! If I wasn’t thorough enough, let me know and I’ll follow up.
You write an awesome blog, and I appreciate your passion. I’m sorry that you’ve been so frustrated lately and I hope things get better soon.
Heather
You can email me anytime at qtberryhead@comcast.net

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The line in there about crying all the time suggests that you’re depressed, and the line at the end about Zoloft confirms it. I felt defeated when I went on Zoloft, but by the time I’d cycled on and off a few times, I gave in. I’m convinced that I’ll be on 50mg/day for life. And it’s okay.

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I know that I have it better than a lot of people but I don’t care! It is very frustrating feeling like you aren’t successful or rich or thin or good enough. Also, do NOT let your family determine how far you can go! You are a rock star, woman.

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I depended on zoloft, lexapro, wellbutrin, effexor, and cymbalta sperately or in various combinations for the majority of my late teens all the way until I got pregnant at 25. I stopped for my pregnancy and I guess the hormonal changes made my life livable while I was pregnant but once I had my baby the depression came back (with a vengence) I was adamant that I did not want to go back on the pharmas again. I was breastfeeding and though most doctors tell you it is ok to breastfeed and take them, they really do not know that for a fact and it just didn’t *feel right* to me, kwim? So I started researching natural mood boosters. I changed my diet. I eliminated all processed foods (especially refined sugar), I mean I cheat now and then but for the most part no processed foods just good old fashioned whole foods. I started taking Rainbow Light Prenatal Vitamins (they are food based and more easily absorbed by the body than their synthetic counterparts you find in Walmart), I began working out in the evening when my DH was home to watch the kiddo and taking a walk everyday with the kid in a stroller. They say vitamin D deficency is the cause of seasonal depression so I figured it couldn’t hurt to up my vitamin D naturally with sunlight. Then I read about a clinical study they did at Harvard on the effects of fish oil on depression. OMGoodness. I did some research and decided to take the same brand they used for the study (Nordic Natural’s Ultimate Omega 1000 mg). I started with 4 capsules a day (2 is the normal dose). I noticed I was feeling more even keeled but I was still feeling negative a lot and I still wanted to sleep the day away (not possible with a toddler) so I decided I would do 4 capsules in the morning and 4 at night. That was the magic number for me. Now if I miss a dose I *know* it! I know everyone is different and different things will work but I am just saying that it is possible to do it without pharmas. I am not judging you or anyone that chooses that route, especially since I did so for so many years and I know it is effective, but if you want to try something else or have the same reservations I had then you should look into some natural alternatives before going back to them. Either way I just figured I would share. Good luck. I love your blog, btw.

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dear Gina (aka, The Mom I Love to CyberStalk and Share With Other Moms for Inspiration and Encouragement Because She F-ing Rocks),
I do not know you; I am one of those cyber-stalkers who happened to just meet you once and thinks you are the shit. and the more I read from you, the more AMAZING I find you. None of us ever feel like we’re doing enough; but many of us don’t do half of what you do, half as well as you do it. call it Mom-Envy, because I’ll NEVER do any of the amazing things you do every day. but I enjoy your candid reflections on your insanely busy life as a mother, wife, advocate for relevant things in women’s lives, law student and fancy cake maker. and the cake – it’s f-ing delicious. you may always have the void – the loud voice inside you, driving you to do more, to be better. it’s part of what makes you Gina the Amazing Woman. sorry to get all gay on you, but I’m just one of many bitches who adore you.

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This post resonated with me from the time it hit my inbox. I tweeted that I would comment and then time got away from me and then I struggled with sitting down to admit any of this to someone outside of my home. Especially because I attempt to create a facade that all is well, smiles for everyone. (side effect of growing up with an adult child of an alcoholic.)
Two Sundays ago we were in the middle of what is now 3 1/2 weeks of not sleeping through the night. It is overly aggravating to me since she has done it successfully for months. I feel like she is a newborn again and I am becoming a bitchy zombie. Anyway, I tend to vocalize how pissed I am to be getting up again and again and again throughout the night. This time I said “I hate my life.” What I really meant was I hate how this moment in my life is making me feel because I certainly do not hate my life. It just was not good enough for me at the moment.
I saw a sign in a therapist’s office that had the word HOPE with an arrow pointing up. Underneath it was the word DESPAIR with an arrow pointing down. (BTW, the same therapist had that fuckitol that you shared in this week’s wordless Wednesday)
I hope you can look up and find hope. Or look around and find perspective. Embrace the void.
I favorited this tweet by @Lissarankin #MojoTip Believe that you are enough, just the way you are. You are already whole.
You are a great advocate for causes you are passionate about.
You are a great mom for pursuing your dreams.
You are cool enough for me.
I heart you.
Thanks for making me think.
Have you read Louise Hay’s You Can Heal Your Life?
p.s. sorry this is so choppy. I’m tired but I wanted to fulfill my promise that I would comment.

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