June 20th, 2010
For the Hyphenated Husband, on Father’s Day…
No matter how much he drives me crazy, or the awful times we’ve been through (of which there have been far too many), I know that I won the Husband Lottery. I’m demanding, and petulant, and short-tempered, and imperfect – yet no matter what I do, this man loves me. Unconditionally, and thoroughly, loves me. I know that now.
Recently our marriage turned a major corner. I rarely discuss the full details of my relationship out in the open, but this is a time in our lives that I’d like to revel in the moment – because it’s a good one. Finally.
See…when we were dating, we were the type of couple that I thought other couples were jealous of. We were madly in love, treated each other like the center of the universe, and knew from Minute One that we were destined to be together. However, becoming parents less than 2 years after we began dating took a real toll on our relationship. We went from being ridiculously happy to being ridiculously unhappy in a matter of a few short months. Neither of us was emotionally equipped to deal with the new responsibilities of parenthood. Our marriage began sailing south less than 6 weeks after my first son’s birth, and it circled the drain for years. Yes, there were moments of calm during the storm – it wasn’t awful all the time – but I was never really as happy as I had once been, and feared that I’d never be that happy again. The Hyphenated Husband always insisted we’d be “fine,” but with my nomadic upbringing, my first instinct was to cut our losses and both move on before another minute was wasted. When HH said “I do” he meant “forever, till death do us part, and all that jazz.” But when I said “I do,” I meant “For now, ya know, unless it gets hard, and then I’m probably outta here because I wasn’t raised to put up with any nonsense.”
Because of my Cut ‘N’ Run attitude, I’ve threatened to leave more times than anyone could count. Every time he annoyed me, I was shopping for apartments on Craigslist. Then, I’d get too lazy to think about moving out, and we’d just go right back to living in a mediocre marriage. I know that’s not the adult way to handle things – I never said I was an expert at staying married – that’s just the only way I know how to handle difficult situations. Get out, Gina. Move on. Start anew while you’re still young enough to make a new life elsewhere. This is how I was raised, and it’s a hard habit to shake.
Exhibit A: A friend asked me to write a guest post on her site 6 months ago about how I managed to marry a feminist male, and every time I sat down to write that post, I felt like such a hypocrite for trying to wax poetic about my rocky marriage that I never ended up writing a single paragraph for her.
Exhibit B: When we were first invited to be on the Discovery show, one of the main reasons I turned it down was because I didn’t want to have to pretend on national television that we were a perfectly happy family when I felt like anything but. I didn’t want to feel like a fraud.
But HH has never given up on us. Oh, there have been times that He’s been pretty mad at me. Really, really mad at me. Mad enough to say and do things that are hurtful and mean and hard to take back. But he’s always remained convinced that we’d find a way to make it work – somehow. I, however, took a lot more convincing. I’m stubborn and emotionally lazy like that.
Finally, after a particularly heinous week last month, I came the conclusion that this marriage might actually end if we didn’t turn things around by the end of summer. No matter how many times I threatened to leave over the past 4 years, it never occurred to me, until this one particular week, that there could actually be a divorce in our near future. I don’t know what made me finally come to this realization, but something felt different this time. I suppose it just got so bad that I knew things couldn’t last another minute the way they were. And ultimately, I think I finally recognized that I’ve never taken much responsibility for trying to fix the mess that our marriage had become. One particularly heinous week made me see that if nothing changed – if I changed nothing – our kids would be living in two different houses pretty soon.
So, we talked. And this talk was different than any talk we’d had before. It was different than the failed therapy sessions we tried two years ago. It was different than all the other times we promised we’d try harder, but never did.
This time, we both got the message – loud and clear. We both recognized that now is the time to save this marriage, not tomorrow, or the day after that. Today.
And just like that, things began to turn around. All of the sudden, I fell back in love with my husband. I see him differently now. I’m attracted to him again. We kiss now – a lot… something we hadn’t really done in years. I’m kinder, and more understanding of him. I don’t get annoyed as easily, and when I lose my temper now, I actually apologize instead of acting as though it was justified. And he sends me love notes during the day… making sure I know that he’s thinking of me even when we aren’t together. We’re both treating love as a verb, and it’s paying off.
It’s good. For the first time in four years my marriage is really, really good. So, on this Father’s Day, I want my husband to know how much I appreciate him being the husband and father that he is. His wife and his children are very lucky to have him.
We all love you, Daddy. We really do. And Thank You for Sticking it Out with Us.
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I love that you are so open about the flaws (as well as the good stuff) in your marriage. Many people put on this charade of having a perfect relationship and then everyone is blindsided by a divorce.
There is no perfect marriage. I believe that marriage is a constantly evolving organic thing of which both parties try to remain a part. When you stop trying, that’s when everything goes down the toilet!
This might sound stupid (or be completely out of line) but maybe the discord in your relationship has been behind the lack of a new baby. Something like subconsciously you weren’t totally committed to the future or the world knew it wasn’t time. Wow, that sounds really dumb know that I’ve typed it out. Anyways, hopefully your new spark will help things with the baby making… or at least make trying more fun!
Jen @ Two Embrys´s last blog ..Happy Father’s Day!
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Not getting pregnant easily definitely put a big damper on things, but that’s only been the last 5 months. I’d say 90% of the problems came from both of us being entirely too busy with too many jobs and too much school – never having time or energy to deal with the problems erupting. We finally realized that we needed to focus more energy on being happy, otherwise we may end up divorced before we get our degrees. We were putting off happiness until later, and we had to make a conscious decision to stop that behavior.
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I think she meant the other way around…the marriage problems kept you from getting pregnant…or at least the stress and dissatisfaction may have contributed to it. Who knows? Sounds plausible to me 
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Oh yeah… well, we’ll see!
Awww Gina! I love this post!
I just went through the same thing, and we are right back where you are today. I am so glad you guys made it there too!
Danielle´s last blog ..Celebrities Against Public Breastfeeding?
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I think the Big Secret of how to make a marriage work is to recognize that at times it is hard work.
FamilyNature´s last blog ..Here We Go! My Very First Giveaway.
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I’ve been thinking along these lines lately. I was raised nomadically as well. ‘Cut and run’ has always been my way of life…and it is a hard habit to break. I think my husband and I were lucky…we watched rocky marriages, were both previously engaged…and we, being spontanious individuals, got married after only knowing each other 5 months. That actually set us up with fairly realistic expectations. Love isn’t perfect…it’s making it through every mistake together. It’s waking up every day and committing to the marriage again. Like you said…love is a verb, and it requires care and dedication. Doesn’t mean it’s all work and no play…after all, we certainly have to put in the time to enjoy the things we love, hobbies, sports…and yet somehow people expect a great marriage with no effort.
Kudos to you and your husband in sticking it out! Hope you and your family have a great father’s day.
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“We’re both treating love as a verb, and it’s paying off.”
This is a brilliant line, Gina. And it’s so often the key to fixing a relationship rut.
I’m so glad you guys are in a better place. I think you’re *both* lucky to have one another!
Kristen´s last blog ..This Thing We’ve Done, These Beings We’ve Grown
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Kudos to you for so openly sharing. My husband and I have seriously gone through some turbulent and dark times. Sticking it out and working through it has been the best thing we’ve ever done. Glad things are looking up for you all.
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I think we are the opposite – my husband is the one who has threatened to leave numerous times, has a temper, etc, and I am the one who has always felt that we can get through anything and that it’s really for better or worse, etc.
It’s refreshing to see someone admit that marriage can be far from perfect (especially someone in the “crunchy” world), and yet that it’s not a lost cause – that you really have to WORK at it. Nobody ever said marriage was easy or a fairytail, but we all like to PRETEND that it is.
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“We’re both treating love as a verb, and it’s paying off.”
I agree with Kristen, this is brilliant! I am going to apply this to my own life. Relationships are so hard to begin with, add kids to the mix and it becomes so hard to figure out who we are as individuals with desires and dreams and how to balance ourselves as a family unit (at least in my case, this is a common issue)
Best of luck to you and HH!
Jill´s last blog ..Despite Climactic Doom, Mama Earth Provides!
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Thanks for sharing. OMG you made me cry. I’m sorta a “quit while you’re ahead” type myself and what you said was really inspiring.
Happy Dad day!
Jenna´s last blog ..Minding My Own Business, Part 2: Cultural Sensitivity
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Thank you for writing this. So many of us struggle in silence, and it makes it a little easier knowing not only that other people face the same challenges, but that there is hope.
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Thank you for being so honest.
I have to say; I understand completely what you mean, and I swear to you, I could have written every word, (the ones that counted, minus the rockstar/Discovery health/blogster stuff.)
But the prevailing essence- how love is a verb.. it is such a truth, and it’s so easy to lose sight of the reasons behind everything- the foundation of the whys of the marriage. I am so honoured that my husband loves me enough to put up with me. And I love him enough to put up with him too, and be his back. Five years in, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, even though we had an enviable, soulmate forever type of love way back when….Now, eleven years later, we are on track, valuing each other and finding new reasons to stick it out and love each other. I get to show my kids how to be in a supportive and loving relationship, rather than just showing them the day to day minutiae of ‘getting by and getting through’.
Thank you so much for this post. I always seem to agree with your opinions, which is why I read your blog, but I have not commented before this.
It was very moving. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable part of love and marriage. The complexities is what makes it special- we just have to shout the specialness to the world in understanding once and a while.
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Aww, me too. All of it. I am so lucky to have found a guy who not only tolerates all the shit I throw at him, but actually STILL loves me.
Here’s a big HOORAY! for the good ones out there 
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I’m so glad to hear that you turned a corner. I came to a similar place myself a little more than 2 years go. It was hard, but good. And things have been much better since.
Amber´s last blog ..My Raised Garden Bed
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I think a successful marriage does mean you keep falling in love all over again, and I like when you say about treating love like a verb. I know for me lately, the intensity of my love has deepened as I put more time into my own happiness too…. doing things for me as well as us. Glad you are happy right now!
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Wow, I could have written a large portion of this post myself. Thank you for sharing. <3 And congrats on the turnaround! It's such a wonderful feeling, what a weight off the shoulders. And so much joy.
Stassja´s last blog ..Patient being pushy!
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Super, awesome, wonderful post! Thank you for being so honest. I understand not wanting to write about your marriage in detail, but I think it’s so very helpful for people to read about the struggles of others.
And I’m glad you guys are working it out and feeling happy/happier again. HH sounds like an amazing man and you clearly are a fantastic woman; it’d be a shame for either of you to lose the other.
Candice´s last blog ..Dear Daddy
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I’ve been lurking for a while… and then I read this.
I cried. I think we’ve all had or will have a “turning point” in our relationships. I had mine last year before our daughter was born. Everything in my world changed.
I’m so glad to hear that everything’s getting better. It’s a good feeling to love and be loved
MotherUnexpected´s last blog ..Sleeping Through the Night
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What you just wrote, is so very close to something I wrote myself less than 6 months ago. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got married. The first year was perfect, but it all when down hill from there.
“I was raised nomadically as well. ‘Cut and run’ has always been my way of life.” Those are words I could have said, save I called myself and family Gypsys, better than running away from a bad man.
I do know the only reason we made it this far is because of the love my man had for me and for our life together. I was never ‘in love’ with him, I loved him, but I could at attach myself to any one. Especially a male who could turn into my father, then I would be chained down and helpless. And to me any male could morph into a monster. I always hoped I could fall in love with him, because I was sure he was a good type, I just had to wait and see if he would morph. When we got married I felt like it could be broken if he changed. I waited a year then I decided I did not want to be old when I had my first child.
I am 8 ½ months now, and for the last 6 months, it seems like every thing had changed. I am feeling more love towards my husband, less angry, more forgiving. And he has been responding to my changes in ways I could never have hoped for.
I am so happy and excited, this has been such a great and easy pregnancy, and I feel like I can dream and hope again. Thank you Gina for all that you do!
Kiani´s last blog ..Butterfly Fingers
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How wonderfully honest! I’m SO glad that you two talked about it and are turning it around. I think way too many people don’t realize just how much work goes into a lasting marriage. I love what you say about it being a verb–that’s very inspiring.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes: “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
I love it because of what it literally says, but also because of what it implies: That you fall out of love, too. That maybe you still love each other, but you are not always IN LOVE with each other. But then, you get yourself to a place where you CAN and DO fall back in love with each other. It sounds like you are working your way to a truly successful marriage.
caramama´s last blog ..Question of the Week – Good Night, Sleep Tight
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I’ve only been married a little over a year but growing up the one thing my parents taught me the best was that you can never rely on feelings for anything. Feelings are way too fickle to base important decisions on, especially a marriage. I’ve never believed love was a feeling, although a lot of feelings are part and parcel with love. I’ve always known that to love someone really meant to make a decision to stick by someone forever whether you “felt” like it or not. We’ll always have good feelings and bad feelings whether or not you stay together. Obviously we all have deal-breakers, mine (and hopefully everyone’s) is abuse. But barring that extreme circumstance I’m not going anywhere that isn’t by my husband’s side. Although I don’t know you, let me just say that I am over the moon about your decision to stick it out with your husband. It will probably prove to be the best decision you ever made.
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I feel the same way. Sometimes we have to do something, be someone, or even over come a fear regardless of how we feel.
Kiani Waters´s last blog ..Family Dinner
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This post made me cry. It’s a wonderful thing, and I don’t even know you guys, but I’m happy for you both!
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