Yesterday when I posted on the topic of leaving kids in cars, I had one commentor who brought up a great point about the loneliness so many of us feel as parents. The commentor said:
“The next time you (anyone reading this) are out in the world and you see a parent clearly struggling to do what she needs to do while keeping everyone safe — and maybe doing something you think is putting her child in danger — instead of judging her critically, or hanging around to protect her kid from her irresponsibility — walk up to her WITH A SMILE — a sincere one — and say “it looks like you could use a hand — how can I help.” This critical holier than thou attitude has got to stop or we are going to eat each other alive. Stop judging — start helping!”
Amen, Sister! Although, I will admit that any time someone offers me a hand, I look at them with the stink eye and think “How dare you imply that I cannot handle whatever it is I think I’m handling just fine!” This could be a symptom of my jerky fiercely independent personality, or it could be that I’m so used to never rarely being offered help that I become suspicious when someone does bother.
One time, one of the other moms at preschool, out of nowhere, DID ask me if she could watch Julesy while I walked Jonas up to the preschool door. I was like “Uuuhh… yeah, sure – thanks?” Yet, I thought it was totally unnecessary because, like I said yesterday, I was throwing distance from the car (and people, I do not throw far) AND I could see him the whole time – sooooo… why would somebody need to watch him?
But, she was compelled to help, so I let her. And then I obsessed about it in my head for weeks… I wondered “did she think what I was doing was wrong? Or had she just never noticed until that day that I left Julesy in his seat, and on that day she saw him there and figured I needed a hand?” I’ll never know.
What I do know is that many of our lives would be made a lot easier, and our kids would be a lot better off, if we could find that “village” that Hillary talked about. We, as a society, don’t seem set up for it anymore, though.
I have experienced living in every type of area, in nearly every corner of this country. I have witnessed the deep sense of community (both good and bad) offered by the small town of less than 2,000 residents. I have also lived in the two of the three largest cities in this country (Chicago & Los Angeles) and seen the complete lack of community (both good and bad) occurring in a city of several million residents. In my experience, the bigger the city, the less people will talk to their neighbors, or offer them a hand. Why is that? Is it mistrust? Maybe it’s a claustrophobic sense of needing to keep what tiny amount limited personal space we have while living on top of each other? Maybe people just don’t care because they don’t think they’ll ever see you again?
Whatever it is, our whole western world seems to be moving farther and farther away from the village mentality, and closer to a one-upsmanship attitude. I’ve heard a lot of people quip “if you can’t take care of ‘em, you shouldn’ta had ‘em!” Not cool. I mean, I’m all for living sustainably, but no man or woman is an island – not even me – no matter how independent I try to tell myself I am.
Henceforth I’m going to do my very best to treat other people’s kids (and their parents) as though they are connected to me in some small way. One day, that kid is going to be building my roads. Or, he’ll be answering my 911 call. Or, she’ll be operating on my fractured hip. Or she’ll be passing the laws that keep me safe. Or, she’ll be marrying my kid. And if nothing else, that little person is going to pay the taxes that support this country after I’m too old to work anymore.
We’re all in this together. Her kids are in your future just as your kids are in her future, so next time you see a mom having a hard time, just stop and ask her if she could use a hand. And next time someone offers me one, I’ll try to accept it without feeling like I’ve failed at self-sufficiency. Let’s all try to reserve our judgment of each other and remember that each of us is (probably) trying to do the very best we can.
Now it’s your turn – How often do you help a mom out? Are you nervous asking if she needs help? Does she usually accept? Do you like being offered help yourself? What’s the sense of community like in your particular neighborhood?
I think Stassja's story at the post office is a good example of when help is called for. Personally, if a mother just looks hassled and overwhelmed with her crew, I wouldn't offer to help because I have BEEN that mother and when people try to help or offer their sympathy, I feel like I am being judged or patronized. However, if the kid got hurt or is in real danger- i.e runs out into a parking lot, of course I would say something or just grab him before he got too far. And I would hope someone would do the same with my kid, who has special needs and is a very talented escape artist. That's just common sense and decency. Or does that not exist anymore??
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