There has been a lot of rumbling around my particular Twittosphere this week regarding parenting styles, and what it means to be a “good” or “bad” mom. Notice I said “mom” because most people don’t even touch the dads on this issue – I’m guessing because women prefer to only judge and devour each other.
What I’ve discovered this week is that I’m a bad mom for giving my son Time-Outs. I’m a bad mom for sleep training. I'm a bad mom for vaccinating. And I’m a bad mom for thinking that I’m a good mom. Now… ain’t that some shit?
First of all, the day that pigs fly is the day that I’ll believe the kind of parenting I’m doing is "bad." I’m actually jealous of my children. They live a great life; a whole lot better life than I had growing up. They are happy, and protected, and smart, and encouraged, and healthy, and well-behaved at least 95% of the time, and loved, and hugged, and loved some more. Boy, sounds like I’m doing a pretty shitty job, doesn’t it?
Well, I’m not. I’m doing an awesome job. And so is my husband.
My feelings run so deep on this that I think I’m going to have to break this into three posts. This post will deal my feelings on Time-Outs. I’ll tackle the sleep training and “good mom vs bad mom” stuff in a day or two.
Boy, did I get pissed last week when I was told that giving my son Time-Outs was “damaging” our relationship and “negatively impacting” my child’s self-esteem. Apparently there’s a “method” called “Time-In” in which is essentially the exact opposite of a "Time-Out." According to this style when the child misbehaves, the root cause of the misbehavior is some need for the parent’s attention, so the parent should focus all their attention on that child for a set amount of time. The article implies that A.) the only reason my child is misbehaving is because I’m neglecting or ignoring him and B.) as long as I’m 100% focused on my child he will not misbehave. Neither of those things is true.
Okay, raise your hand if your child has ever gone ape-shit over some dumb little thing when you’re sitting right there playing with him/her – Anyone? Anyone? I know mine has. I’ll be sitting there playing cars with him, and he’ll pick up a car and throw it across the room – just to test me. So I’ll say, “we don’t throw cars, it could hurt someone.” So a few minutes later, the toddler, being a toddler, defies all logic and reason and picks up the nearest car and hurls it straight toward his baby brother’s nose. Luckily he misses, so I firmly say “if you throw another car, we’re done playing.” So, of course, it’s a power struggle now, and he needs to see exactly how much damage he can do before he finds himself in a heap of trouble. Fast forward a few more minutes, and a car is whipped across the room hard enough to take out a lamp. So I say “that’s it, the cars are being put away.” The child has lost his cars privileges for the moment.
Well, Insert screaming, tantrum, flailing, throwing himself on the floor, running around the room, knocking things over, yada, yada, yada. Here is where the child needs a Time-Out. And for those new-ish mothers with children under 2 who read this and think “my child would neeeeeeever do that” all I can say is, “oh, you just wait.” I once had a dreamy little baby who could never, ever do any wrong. Then he grew into a toddler. There’s a reason they call it “The Terrible Twos”. You are not immune to it, so get off your high-horse right now before Karma smacks you off it.
Back to the tantrum. Jonas has lost his little mind temporarily, so there’s nothing left to do but place him in his special little Time-Out chair (adorable, isn’t it?). He gets the “this is why you are here” speech, and he’s left to sit there for two minutes to chill the f*ck out. A few minutes later, the child has calmed himself, and realizes sitting in a chair isn’t nearly as much fun as the cars we were playing with before he went berserk. So he says he’s sorry, gives me a hug and a kiss, and is ready to continue the day without incident. Problem solved.
This happens about twice a week on average. Some weeks it doesn’t happen at all. Some episodes are more severe than others, but it always, always works (unless he's sick or tired or something is really wrong, and in that case I realize that and we deal with the new circumstances.)
Would you believe the previous story sounds like child abuse to some people? They actually call it “Non-parenting” or “Conditional Parenting” – as in, “you’re teaching the child that you’ll only parent them (i.e. love them) when they’re good.” Okay, what the F ever. I believe that kids need parents to teach them that there are choices and there are consequences. Chilren NEED guidance. Discipline shows them you give a crap. And if you can’t play nice? That’s your choice, but it’s MY choice not to play with you then!
And if the article was only offering a different option for discipline, or an alternative approach if Time-Out's aren't working (like this book does) then fine. I'm all for alternatives. And if that first article was only implying that sometimes children act out when mommy is not paying attention to them, then okay, I can see that the child might need attention. Every mother has found herself taking a little too long in the bathroom, only to realize that her unattended toddler is up to his ears in trouble in the next room. In that case, of course most mothers will drop what they’re doing (if they can) and go over and interact with the child. Most moms realize that was their own dumb fault for not paying attention. But that’s not a “style” or “technique”. That’s just common sense parenting. Nobody needs to tell me to get the hell off Twitter and go figure out why my kids are yelling at each other. I just do that. If the author of this article is just offering a different approach, however common-sensical and intuitive it ought to be, then she wouldn’t have been shaming those people who do use Time-Outs. No. Instead she was saying Time-Outs are “damaging”, and Time-Ins are “the right way”. Okay lady, you do “Time-Ins” in your house, and call me when your child refuses to listen to their teacher/babysitter/coach and can’t be trusted out of your sight. Nutcase.
I would also like to add that nobody else in the world is going to put up with your kid’s crap and give them a “Time-In” when they’re actin’ a fool. In my house, we try to teach our kids how to behave out in the real world – and if they want someone to play with them, they better not act like jerks. That will get them nowhere, fast.
In short, what I’m doing works. It works for us anyway, and if the "Time-In-Only" method is working for you, then what-ev-er, good for you, but don’t try to tell me I’m “damaging” my child. Go focus your efforts on the crackheads and people who beat their kids.
…Next time on “I Bet You Didn’t Know You Were a Bad Mom” we’ll find out how letting your child sleep soundly at night is something akin to water-boarding. Oh, the humanity.
Your best line was in one your comments:
"My best guess is that the author of that article only has one child - and no job."
I think time-outs are great for kids -- I make sure my kids know beforehand what kind of behavior will get them a time-out and that we discuss it afterwards too so they know what to do if they want to avoid them. (And all that is predicated on the kid being old enough to "reason," at least a little bit; for us that starts around 2 - 2 1/2)
And also, I need time-outs from time to time.
Looking forward to your other posts, esp. the one on "you're a bad mom if you think you're a good one."
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