Hello:) We are quite in opposite worlds. I loved being a working mother - I never desired to stay at home all day with my kids. I thought that we had to have both incomes in order to survive (i think that is the only thing that we have in common:)). I found extreme fulfillment and satisfaction in working. I was able to have challenging intellectual conversations with my coworkers and then come home and spend time with the kids. It doesn't mean that I love my kids any less than anyone else who wants to stay at home. Yes it was hard to work and be a mom - there is no doubting that. I do have to say that you have maxxed yourself out though. I don't see how you manage to function doing everything that you do. So major kudos there. I wonder if everything that you are putting yourself through is really necessary. Do you HAVE to go to school right now? Would it be possible to work your two jobs and squire every penny away in order to pay off your debt (if you have debt). Then once your debt is paid off cut back on at least one job and go back to school. There are ways to make your life as it is now easier and I would just about bet that there are ways to change your situation. I would love to try and help you figure it out. We have been very fortunate (and no - neither my husband nor I were born with a silver spoon in our mouths). We were really stupid and ended up with close to 30,000 dollars in debt not including a house (we rented). We worked SUPER hard and eliminated our lifestyle and got everything paid off. During that time my husband was laid off from his job two different times. Now I have lost my job and have chosen to go back to school full time. We are able to make it on my husbands income (which is less than 2000 a month). Yes this means that we don't get to do a lot of activities like other families and we don't have the material things that other people have. I have to think about the long term though. Right now we are sacrificing for the long term betterment of our family. But I refuse to sacrifice what really matters to me - and that is taking care of my family and spending time with them and making sure that they are becoming the people that I want them to be.

amen sista!

Great post! I'm a WOHM and that's all I've ever wanted to do, but somedays, yes it sucks the big one. Like the day last week, in the middle of preparing for a presentation, a shoe broke. I had half the office helping look for glue, another pair of shoes, anything to get through the day. And then, I had to wear said broken shoes the next day as well because I didn't have time after work to go shoe shopping.
But I love that someone has FINALLY said it: as a WOHM, I have 2 full time jobs.

I'm a WOHM. Some days I feel exactly the way you described in your post. Not all days.... but some days. Good luck in your journey to finish school!

I know you are upset. And you have a right to your opinion, but frankly *I* find your statements insulting.
Currently I work from home, with no childcare. And I can tell that even if I did not, staying at home *is* very difficult. Direct comparisons have to be made on a case by case basis, of course. But I don't think anything is gained by saying SAHMs have it easier.
And then to the issue of choice, some moms have no choice BUT to SAH. Childcare wouldn't equal their salary, etc.
However, a lot of SAHMs worked extra hard for years, saved up, found ways to continue earning money, invested, scrimp and do without, because they believe that strongly in staying at home for their own situations.
I once had a superior tell me I couldn't have a particular day off to see my husband during his military training and that it was "my husband's choice" to go into the military. I responded that, "Yes, it is his choice to serve his country and it is mine to support that choice."
We all make choices and taken over the course of several decades, those choices can add up to a seeming inevitably--the schooling, the career path, the mortgage, etc.
But I don't think that denigrating others' circumstances or choices makes your argument any stronger.

Oh man, you said it. The real problem, to me, is that our choices are so "either-or." I like to work, and spend time with adults. But I miss my son, and wish I had more time with him. There is, 3 days out of 5, no logical reason I could not work from home and see him at least part-time. None. Except my company doesn't like it. And the CEOs of my company, well, they're old white dudes or women who can afford 8 nannies if they need them.
How many of us have jobs like that, where we could easily be just as productive from home? A lot, I bet. The only reason we aren't doing it is that businesses have a fetish about controlling their employees and think if the butt's not in the office chair, they're not working. Instead of just judging us on our performance or production.
It's the way it is because it was set up by dudes with wives at home to manage all that messy stuff; if women had set things up, having and raising kids would be expected and integrated with the rest of our lives, not something we had to do all alone all day or hire someone to do.

I feel your pain. I am a SAHM and it is hard, but I also love it.
I worked outside the home for a few months last year. Hubby watched the girls so we didn't have to pay for daycare. I hated it though.
We are all living our own lives and no one has the right to judge anyone, unless they want to be judged.
I found you on Twitter, couldn't read w/out commenting. You'll find what works best for your family. That's what matters in the end.

We are poor- my husband makes under 45k a year, and until just recently he made under 30k. I was making about 20k and quit. My pay wouldn't cover "daycare" and transportation costs. Things are tight, but WE decided that a house could wait, we could rent. We cut the house phone, never had cable, wore sweaters in the winter and hung out at libraries and pools in the summer so we wouldn't have to run the heat/air. When I say that this is harder? Mostly I am bitching at my husband. I am not judging YOU, I am judging HIM. The only things he ever has to do are A. go to work and B. feed the animals and C. put leftovers away. I do everything else, including making sure that the money (the DAMN MONEY) will stretch. It's rough. I could go back to work- for about 200 a month, not enough to be worth it-and he would step up... Still screwed, no house, no kidlet to see smile every minute- also no never ending mess, but whatever.
I just wanted you to know that all stay at home moms weren't just suburban soccer moms that totally didn't get it. I get it, I watched my mother see my kid more than I did, cried when she said "nana" before she said "mama" and still have every right to believe that this shit is a blessing, and hate it because I am apparently not very good at it day to day and this is one job I can't just quit and walk away from- not to say that I don't love my kid and all... it's just... sometimes it sucks is all.

Thank you for your eloquent and honest post. I think that you've done an especially nice job of illuminating the ways in which *choice* (or lack thereof) plays such an integral role in a mother's happiness (again, of lack thereof) over her work circumstances.
In fact, I can think of some SAHM's out there who really *cannot* choose to work outside the home even if they wanted to, and they may feel a justifiable anger similar to yours. For instance, I know of one mom who *wanted* to work, only to realize that the only jobs available to her given her experience, education, etc. were ones that made her family *lose* money when they took into consideration the extra childcare expenses, gas, etc. that were necessary for her to work. It sucks, and I think that it really exacerbated for her all of the difficult parts of being a SAHM since she *wanted* to do otherwise but *couldn't.*
(The same goes for women who have the unfortunate experience of being married to patriarchal jerks who "won't let" their wives work outside the home, but that seems to be another story entirely. Or at least somewhat.)
When it all comes down to it, I think the ugly problem under the surface is that we live in a society that does a nice job of talking about supporting "family values" without really valuing families (and certainly without valuing women's work and choices to work/not work).

WARNING! -I don't mean for this comment to be negative, honestly, so please keep this in mind!
Okay. I can't help but to add my two cents to the SAHM issue in general, being that I have no memory of her working (note: she has been a SAHM since 1991). Growing up with a SAHM was something I HATED, probably because there was no decent balance in her life between keeping our house clean, keeping the family finances in order, delivering a hot (and usually homemade) dinner on the table by the time my dad got off work, making sure I did my homework, etc. and having some sort of life. It's hard to always recall that my mom, up till a few years ago, had some pretty decent agoraphobia, and I think it's only fair to mention this as a side note before I mention anything else.
One definite bad part for me w/the whole SAHM thing was that my situation was something that most of my peers in school did not have, which unfortunately helped to ostracize me from my peers more than I already was. In Brookfield (Illinois, of course) on the North side of the Burlington Northern Railroad Tracks, literally almost EVERYONE's mom works outside of the home, which allowed my peers to experience more freedom in their relationship with their parents than I. The way that SAHMs were looked at where I went to school (Brook Park- LaGrange Pk & S.E. Gross- Brookfield) as being lazy, more controlling (in a bad way, of course), etc, etc, etc.
Of course, if one checks out CBS2CHICAGO.com, they reported a few days ago about how one South Side school is NOT allowing over 60% of their 8th graders to graduate--- which obviously means that they did not pass. Many, if not all, of these failing students DO NOT have at least one loving parent at home, especially when these children need it most. Some of these parents are struggling to survive and are either working constantly, or just don't care enough about their children to be at home, taking care of them.
See the contrast between SAHMs and absent parents?
This is just a small sample of what I have to say about the subject. Please forgive me for any small spelling and editing mistakes I have made in the above for it is now 6AM PST, but I think you understand! ;)

I know that feeling, the whole "this can't happen soon enough for me" so anxious that you want to claw your skin off kind of agitation. I loved my job (NICU nurse) before I started trying to get pregnant, but then it was too close to my emotional triggers. After our failed fertility treatments I wanted to just beat the ever-loving crap out of every dirtbag, druggie teenager with her third, fourth, fifth kid with just as many different dads who couldn't be bothered to come see her baby even when we bought her gas or paid her cab fare. And after we got pregnant, every single premature birth, every single syndrome, every single infection, every single birth defect just made me sick with worry that it might happen to my baby too. After we had our son, I remember crying my eyes out the first time I had to go back to work. I was lucky with the pumping. I got to use the hospital pumps that we had in NICU. But still, I don't think I pumped a single time, or got out of the car a single time that I didn't have tears in my eyes. I realized when my son was nine months old that SOMETHING had to give, because he was teething then, and I was up every hour nursing him at night, and I was absolutely incompetent at work. What was worse, was I really could NOT make myself give a shit. I told my husband, we have got to do something different or I am going to make some really bad mistake and I don't want to be responsible for something happening to someone's baby. It took a few months, and I still regret the months I missed, but even when I think I totally suck at this, I'm so grateful that I get to do it.

We have in-home care right now (paying MIL to watch the kids), but she's not a maid. Just because we have someone taking care of the kids in the house doesn't mean they also clean the house, and I cannot afford to pay someone to clean my house for me.
I'd also argue that there are also all kinds of things that get dirty whether the kids are home or not (clothes, for one) and a SAHM can do the laundry during the day, instead of having to do the laundry after she comes home from a long day of work. Also, when you're a SAHM, there isn't as much dirty laundry, but you and the kids don't have to go anywhere during the day. You could wear the same sweats all week if you want - you aren't forced to make sure your nice Work clothes are cleaned and pressed.

Yes, the blog.  This is where I come when I need to let it all out -
and I've always planned on using this as the space to chronicle my life
so I can one day, make a book out of it for my kids to read - when
they're old enough.  Like "here's what your mother is really like" - or
something like that.  I want them to know this part of me - the part
that isn't just who they know as "Mama."  I wish I could have known who
my mother was.  So, this whole blog is an exercise in that.

AND you write a blog. And a good one at that. Don't forget that. Blogging takes a lot of time too. Ack. You have got to be one of the busiest moms I know. In a year or so I'm going to be going to school full time and likely working part time and doing my blog and volunteering and I have no idea how I'll do it. And then I think of you, and find my inspiration in you, knowing that if you can do it (and still "rock" - pun intended ;) - as a mom ) then so can I.

I'm Canadian, and I thank my lucky stars every day for the benefits I get here. I am able to stay home for the first year on maternity leave (at lower pay, but still) and I don't have to worry about health insurance. I was laid off and I'm in the position to use my severance pay to coast for a while and try to re-jig my career. If I didn't have government health insurance I couldn't do that. I think you are in a much harder position with the lack of maternity leave and universal health care.
And as someone who's worked outside the home I'd agree with pretty much everything you said. You're still doing all the 'mom stuff', and juggling both is very hard.

I hear you. Loud and clear. In fact, I've blogged about this myself here.
And yet:
#3 -- I'd take issue with that, from my own perspective. While on maternity leave, I didn't always make it into the shower and out of the track pants, and let me tell you: Being grimy and stinky made me crabby. No baby deserves a crabby mom.
#4 -- Pumping at work? Hahaha. HAHAHA. Completely agreed. I wrote about my "adventures" with that here.

I don't have a lot to add that hasn't already been said..but I did want to say thank you for posting this. I called to check on my son a few minutes ago and it broke my heart hearing him call for me over the phone. Hearing "abba home Mommy" which is my sons way of asking to go to our special place at home where I nurse him, which I'm at work and can't leave is enough to encourage let down *sigh* now explaning why I have wet boobs to my manager is not something I want to do :(
*hugs*

Thank you! I got all paranoid for about half a second (until I considered the source)

Oh yes, thank you for reminding me of that.  I'm counting the years
until school! (of course it will be bitter sweet, but at least it's
free childcare!)

I'm so with you...that was some sweet grass. Briefly tasted, long missed...
But, and I know it might not help to hear it now, but there's this other grass in your future, called "school age children" grass. Where our tax dollars actually pay for our children to be in the care of other adults for most of the day and learn stuff, and all that money we used to pay for child care is suddenly--shiver--DISCRETIONARY (or we can quit one of our 3 or 4 jobs)...
Hang on. You'll make it. Seems endlessly in the future, but when it comes, it's magical.
(if you live in a district with all day kindergarten, it comes a year earlier...I was not so lucky.)
(You're my hero, by the way!)
--J

If I was standing next to you I’d slap you a high-5. Your post is so refreshingly honest I think it should be required reading for anyone and everyone.
Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have to read the rest of your blogs…

I've never heard of a 15 month old knowing his/her colors. That's just stupid.  My (very smart) son learned his colors at 2.  Don't you just love when child-less people try to tell you about kids?  It's hilarious.

Just to clarify, I didn't get pregnant as a teenager (unlike every other member of my family.)  I had a baby at 28 and was married.  We were both students and didn't have our careers worked out yet, and the pregnancy was very much unplanned - I wanted to have an abortion but
that was not an option for my husband. I couldn't do that to him - and I love my son more than anything now, even if he bankrupt us.  Sorry, but it's hard for me to listen to people tell me that I could have just been better off having an abortion.  No matter how hard our life is
now, I wouldn't trade it for an aborted fetus.
**I should also add that it took me until my mid-twenties to start college because I grew up homeless, never living anywhere long enough to complete high school. I had to go straight to work as soon as I was old enough, and was living alone and fully supporting myself at 18. I couldn't afford to pay for college tuition AND all my rent/bills, so it took me a long time to get myself into a situation where I could go to school. I got pregnant during my freshmen year, and I now go to school full time at night (while working during the day) and maintain a 4.0 GPA to drag myself out of this mess. Shit happened, and I had to roll with the punches - but that doesn't mean I chose it. It's just where we are.

Just to clarify, I didn't even get close to 55% of my pay. There is a cap. It isn't 55% no matter what you make. And you can't renegotiate your mortgage because you're on mat leave.

Thank you! I am WOHM (for now) and it is the most unnatural thing I have ever experienced. It offends every maternal instinct I have!
A few days ago, a woman (childless) was playing with my 15 mo son and looked at me, appalled, and said "What!? He doesn't know his colours, yet?!" 1. He is 15 mo - he has time. 2. I am lucky if I spend 2 hours a day with him during the week. Sometimes, I'm lucky to get one - when, in God's name do you expect me to teach him his colours? Between dinner bites? Sheesh.
On another note, I found out 2 days ago that I will be outta work in a week. Yikes. Classic "be careful what you wish for" I guess.

If he doesn't do it I don't see it happening for our generation. Tragic really.

Hey there, I love your blog! It's been interesting reading your post and these comments. As a Black Woman it's just always been kind of a fact of life that "Women Work" and "Do It All", and I always felt it sad to see so many low-income single black moms struggling to hold it all together. To avoid that fate, I went to college to become an Accountant, I married a kind white man who is a Scientist w/ an advanced degree, and we enjoy a very comfortable middle-class life that I'd always dreamed (and PLANNED) for. My sisters followed a different path, becoming teenaged moms etc., and I think it's SO important for women to understand that Children can BANKRUPT YOUR LIFE and so it's important to plan for them and choose wisely what type of man you get with and WHEN you start your family.
Sorry, I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but everyone has choices in life. I DO work full-time outside the home, but my husband and I have an EQUAL partnership, and he does 60% of the housework to make up for the fact that I nurse the baby. My son is in family daycare 50hrs/wk, and he is FINE! I have absolutely no guilt, I love the work that I do, and ultimately I think every woman must come to accept and be at peace with the choices she makes in her life. (p.s. I use to live in Chicago btw, in Rogers Park)

That's very true.  Paying for healthcare alone would bankrupt us if I
didn't have employee-sponsored health coverage (which I carry, not my
husband). Some moms HAVE to work just for health insurance.  Lots of
husbands don't have coverage through work.
I thought Obama stood a good chance of changing this, but I'm really
starting to believe that it will just never happen here.

Very well said Gina. I am a SAHM mom and often feel pretty sorry for myself as, in my case, it is by far the most difficult job I have ever had. I think that the job/career plays a big role in determining if WOHM or SAHM is "easier." I have been lucky to have jobs that I have loved so in that sense, going to work would be easier for me than staying home with my soon two be two kids under two. The problem is as you said though, moms have more than one job. My husband is fabulous but when we both work full time I do more at home than he does. In my case, the days I go in to work are like a vacation but what do I come home to? The dishes, laundry, and cleaning that I could have crammed in at some point during naptime.
Someone mentioned healthcare and that is so important. We make very little and it is very tough to get by but my husband has great, yet expensive, coverage for us so we are stuck for now. The revamp of the healthcare system, which I am no longer holding my breath for, would change the lives of so many women who feel trapped.

I know you guys get half your pay, and that is definitely the catch
22.  Not everyone can afford to live on even half of one person's
income.  In our situation, that would have worked fine though.  I make
good money (comparatively speaking, it's above the national average),
so 55% of my pay would have kept us afloat for that year.  But having
zero of my pay would put us out on the streets.  So this is why I tried
to talk my office into letting me work part time a few months ago - but
they refused.  Dicks.
I need to be not working 80 hour weeks for a bunch of reasons: needing
to be with my kids is one of them, and needing to finish school before
I'm 250 years old is another one of them.  Even simply going down to
part-time work would calm my demons, but I've been trying for 6 months
to find a part time gig that pays me a living wage and it is just not
happening in this economy.  I dunno... 55% percent of my pay to NOT
work at all sounds like absolute heaven right now.

"Getting" and "being able to afford to use" are two different things.
Yes, I could take a year off. Yes, I would be given some financial compensation for doing so. However, it is a percentage of your salary, up to a maximum cap. Unfortunately, it was nowhere near what I make when I am working and my husband had just finished law school and was actually unemployed when our son was born. He subsequently got a job that didn't pay well, was 90 minute commute each day, and where he wasn't treated with respect. Between his pay and my mat leave pay, we were having to dip into the credit card each month just to cover expenses. I was exclusively pumping for my son because he couldn't latch on for the first 2 months and I had to use an Avent Isis to do so because I couldn't afford to buy a double electric. So when my son was 3 months old, my husband quit his job to stay at home with him while I went back to work. My husband was able to take the rest of the "mat leave pay" and I was able to get back to earning my regular salary and paying our bills. I was able to buy a double electric pump. I pumped at work until DS was 12 months old.
With DD, we planned ahead a bit more financially. DH got a temp job and I stayed home for the first 6 months. Then DH took the second half of the leave and I went back to work when she was 6 months old. I pumped at work until she was 18 months old.
In addition to being a SAHD, DH did his Masters degree and is now working on his PhD. Next summer I get another turn being a SAHM for 4 months because we will all be going to Berlin for the summer for DH to spend a semester over there. So we're trying to save a bit and I'm trying to build/create opportunities to earn a bit of cash while on the other side of the world.

Gina, I have no clue how you do it. I work as a nurse full-time. I'm a single mom, so SAHM is only a dream for me. I work only 3 days a week, so I tell people that I am a SAHM 4 days a week and a nurse 3 days a week. Daycare is a problem when you work 12 hour shifts,especially when you are single and you don't have someone to pick the kid up before 6 pm. So I will be looking for a Mon-Fri, 5 day a week job soon.
So many of the women I work with are in the same boat. We Dream of being a SAHM or a WAHM. If only we could work as a nurse from home...

Annie, just out of curiosity, did you get that Canadian year of
maternity leave?  Or did you have to leave your 5 wk old (or 3 month
old) and go pump breastmilk in a closet at work?  I'm just wondering
how that would change your perspective.

Right now I am a WAHM and right now things are OK for us. But a few years ago, my husband and I felt trapped and stuck in our work/financial situation. Let me tell you, it was not a healthy place for us, and we knew it, and we still couldn't get out. It was maddening. Our whole family was suffering because we both were so miserable. It finally came to my husband quitting his job (this was when the economy wasn't quite as frightening!) and relocating our entire family before we saw a positive change in our marriage and family. I am not at all saying this is what anyone else should do, but it was what it took for us to get out of our situation before we self-destructed.
About what bessie.viola wrote: I think what stings the most is feeling like there is no choice. When you really do choose to be a WOHM or a SAHM or a WAHM, you own it and you roll with the ups and downs because it was your choice. But when you feel trapped and stuck and backed into a corner of being a WAHM/SAHM/WOHM and it's not what you feel is ideal for your fam, that's when it really starts to rub. So I'm really hoping that someday soon you get to choose!

I know, I know.  I hesitated posting this for months and months because
I knew someone would always say that there are exceptions and differing
circumstances.  I know this.  I thought I did a good job of writing a
two paragraph disclaimer about how this is MY view of the world around
me - not everyone else's.  I never said it was all black and white -
I'm just saying that here I am, doing what I'm doing, and watching the
middle class moms around me bitch about whatever is SAHMs bitch about,
and it stings.  And then to be told that I made this mess for myself? 
Well, that's just even worse.  When a person is married, they don't
necessarily have to make messes for themselves, the person they've
contractually obligated themselves to can do it for them.  Add in an
economy that's killing a lot of families, and it's not all as simple as
"Choice."  And this has just been a bad coupla months.

Thank you.  And Oh yeah, I agree - the single moms have it way worse
than me and every time I see one doing what I'm doing I think "Wow!"
(and then I feel sorry for them because it really does look a lot
harder and a lot suckier than what I'm going through.)  I never said
I'm in the world's worst situation (because I'm certainly not) - I'm
just not in a situation I chose.

Thank you Jennifer - I appreciate this sentiment, especially coming
from a SAHM.  In my mind, it's like someone with lots of money
complaining to a homeless person about their lobster being overdone.  
But this is just my view based on the particular situation I'm in. 
Maybe if I had a job I liked, or one that was fulfilling some purpose
in the world (because mine certainly does not - it's soul sucking) then
going to work would be easier.  It's just not, not in my current
situation anyway.

"My children had no concept of the fact that their demands were
sometimes unreasonable."  Haaaa haa haa - I could say the same about
every single adult I work with --- hence the "hating my job every
minute I'm here" stuff.

I arrived here from Motherhood Uncensored - and I wanted to chime in here too. I totally get your anger here. It's easy to see that the life you're living right now is NOT the life you would have chosen.
However, I think the thing that everyone seems to be missing in this debate is the aspect of individual personalities. You state here that being a WOHM is ABSOLUTELY the hardest way to live - which is obviously true for you. However, that does not hold true for every woman. Others find being a SAHM a thousand times harder for whatever reason - maybe because they need the release of going to the office, maybe because they find true fulfillment in their work that they can't accomplish at home.
While I understand your sentiment and certainly feel empathy for your situation, I just cannot agree with you or anyone in this debate. Everyone has challenges in their life, and everyone's are different. So there will NEVER be one position that's "hardest."
I'm still waiting for the day when moms simply support each other, despite their WOHM/WAHM/SAHM status.

I agree with you completely that each family should do what is best for them, what is right for their situation. I hold no judgment either about the choices that people make, whether freely or because they have to.
I will add my perspective on one thing though, as someone that has been both a SAHM and WOHM. There is, in my mind, no contest about which one is more difficult. It is more difficult to be a SAHM. It is more exhausting. It tests my patience more. It brings me to tears more often. My job is tough. It is hard work. But it is a break compared to being at home with a baby and a two year old. I get a lunch break at work. I get to sit down at work. I can focus on what I need to do. My clients are reasonable in their demands. Being at home meant I had to fight to have lunch some days. I didn't get to sit down often or if I did I had people climbing on me. I couldn't focus on anything because I was always interrupted. My children had no concept of the fact that their demands were sometimes unreasonable.
Yes, as a WOHM I have two jobs. But as a SAHM I had one job times 2.

I've been both a WOHM and a SAHM. You know why I'm a SAHM? Because I was killing myself as a WOHM. An hour commute both ways, 50 hour work weeks, a travel schedule that kept me away and a husband who was also working 50+ hours a week. I was miserable, depressed, exhausted and dying. Being a WOHM is a beat down and I applaud any woman who can manage to do it with any level of success or finesse. And don't get me started on single moms. Holy cow, those women should have monuments erected in their name. It is impossible to juggle both and those who do it well are saints. It's okay to be frustrated, angry and depressed. Go ahead Babe, let it out.

UGH. I meant KIDS AND CAREER. So tired. I shouldn't even be allowed to comment. I'm barely coherent. Sorry.

And let me just add that I don't even take issue with moms who stay at work because they love their careers. I only take issue with dishonesty. Just say that you'd rather balance work and career. It's not for me to judge why someone doesn't want to be at home all day with their kids. There could be so many reasons. We're all different for a bazillion reasons we can't even point to. I'm okay with that.
It's because I love honesty that I loved your post.

I do agree that some chores are easier when no one's there to make messes but it's not really the point of this post. And I think you made it clear that what other working moms situations are like is not the point of your post. I think you're mostly venting about how people judge YOU, and that's completely fair. I know working moms whose husbands make close to $100,000/year and they say that they HAVE to work to support their family. Meanwhile I have friends who've raised 8 kids on $60,000 a year, one income. I know people who are raising four kids on $30,000 a year. Of course, they're totally poor but she's at home and that's what she wants. More power to her.
It's the moms who say they HAVE to go to their chartered accountant job or HAVE to go to their teaching job, when we both know full well that they WANT to go because they are in careers they chose, that they love, that they went to school for, who make me roll my eyes. And THEY have no idea how lonely and emotionally draining it is to be at home with four little kids every single day. Here in Canada I know countless moms who can eeeeasily stay home but who love their careers.
Your situation breaks my heart and I know some of it well. I have no siblings. No dad. Barely a mom who's more work and frustration than she's worth. We were estranged for four years. I came from poverty. I came from abuse. I've had no family support in raising my kids. Rarely a babysitter until the past two years (my oldest is 9). I don't know, however, what it's like to be struggling like you are right now and you must feel so grateful for this online world you can turn to for some support. I wish I was rich enough to solve all your problems. I would in a heartbeat, if I could. And I wish your country's health care system wasn't totally stupid and cruel. One friend had to declare bankruptcy and foreclose on their home because they were without health insurance for one month and she needed an emergency gallbladder operation. And now their rental house just burned down.
So many people with so many struggles and so why sit around and judge when you can give love and a helping hand?
So sorry for your struggles.
You did a very good job writing this.

Thank you for this post. I was just thinking about this the other day. I'm a SAHM with four kids under five so things are pretty insane around here, and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Then I read a post by a working mom and realized that she has so many pressures that I don't have to deal with, even on the worst day. Thank you for a much-needed reality check to remind me to be grateful.
Your words also helps me understand what my mother-in-law went through. She too wanted to stay home, or at least have a true *choice* about it, but when her husband left her she was left to raise her son (my husband) completely on her own with no education beyond high school, and this was in the days before child support payments were enforced. As you point out, her job was not some corner-office, latte-sipping cush life. It was work in the old-fashioned sense, and it was not glamorous or fun. Not only was my husband raised in full-time daycare but they were dirt poor to boot. But, if it's any encouragement, he ended up going to Yale, Columbia and Stanford and is the most well-adjusted person I've ever met. I know that that doesn't change the pain that my mother-in-law went through or that any working mom who would like the option of staying home goes through, but I thought I'd throw that out there in case it's encouraging at all.
Anyway, thank you for this heart-felt post. I'm in the midst of something similar on a totally different subject (i.e. people making assumptions about me and my lifestyle that are not only uncharitable but ignorant) and I appreciated reading your thoughts. Great post.

Ok, first I will say that I have done it all - I have worked out of the home for approximately 3.5 of my 7 years of parenting, was a SAHM for a couple of years and now am a WAHM. There is no such thing as a one-size fits all "it's harder for me". I think most SAHM's have it easier. I think most are grateful for the opportunity to be a SAHM. I found it incredibly challenging to be a WOHM with my loyalties torn in two directions and way too much time away from my kids. But I found being a SAHM with the emotional baggage that came with it for me to also be incredibly difficult. I would not say either one was harder, just both challenging in their own ways and so much of how hard one or the other is depends on a huge number of personal circumstances (money being a big one). So I personally don't like blanket statements that say it IS harder to be a __________ (fill in the blank). I think it all depends.
As for the "you could do it if you wanted" - well that's just unfair and ugly. Some people can't, plain and simple. I hope for you that someday it works out that you don't have to keep toiling away feeling frustrated and missing your babies. It's just not easy is it?

I feel your pain. I have a meltdown about once every two months. I supposedly have the best of both worlds. I telecommute full time for my job while taking care of my 18 month old and going to grad school online. My husband is wonderful. He does a lot. But I'm straddling the line-- I'm not in either world. The 'mom's club' doesn't understand that Wednesdays at 10 just aren't going to work for me, but the working moms don't understand that I can't go out to lunch without my kid. I'm not a very good employee or mom at least one day a week... and I think I'm flattering myself there. I'd love to have someone here a couple hours a day, but that's not really a possibility, and neither is day care. I do what I can. And, yes, I have hit mute on a speakerphone on a conference call because no one wants to hear my change a diaper, his latest a meltdown or Sesame Street in the background. I work really hard no matter what... but I pay the price. Big hugs to you.
I know I am so incredibly lucky to make money and take care of my kid. But there are days when my husband walks in and I want to run away or find some other solution. Because I might be here, but I'm not really all the way here. And I feel guilty for wanting 10 minutes to myself so I could do something crazy like shower. It was so much easier when he slept all the time. And yes, hormones are a bitch, and I want to smack a good number of SAHM's who are snarky about my "choices".

Gina,
You have continued to impress me. Over and over. Ad when I saw the wedding cake you linked to, you actually made me jealous for pushing your righteous talent somewhere new!
Right now, I consider myself a WAHM, even though I live on a pittance with my writing (where the f*ck did I put my novel, anyhow?!). You are 100% right about all of that. I've been a WOHM. And now I'm here. I have the luxury of looking at my kids when I want. And all the other things you don't want to know.
Honey, I grew up lower middle class. Nothing compared to your upbringing (though if you asked one of my sisters, we grew up in poverty. endlessly frustrating me!). And I understand wanting MUCH better for our kids.
I scrimp and save, still.
I was once a single mama working FT. Not just FT, but 50 hours + a week. (Bigassholemysoginist boss. Who I got fired with my formal sexual harassment complaint, thank you very much.) And I noticed early on that at all the managers who were women either didn't have kids or had grown kids and only became managers once their kids were grown.
Obviously, I was the only single mama manager. I missed my son desperately, and also then had the luxury of having him with my sister, who treated him wonderfully.
You are right. About everything. I have it easier now. We struggle for money, but if I worked, we simply couldn't afford to put both kids in childcare.
Next year, when my older son goes to preschool, I can work outside the home. And then we can start actually making money, instead of just creeping by.
And I will miss them all over again.

I've gotta debate point #1. "Those chores don’t just disappear because you’re not there"
Unless there's a SAHD or a in-home care giver wouldn't those chores, or at least many of them, just not exist at all? I can see the difference between a day spent at home and a day gone with the kids. The mess just isn't there when they're not at home to make it. The dishes aren't dirty when they're not at home eating. The toys are in the same place when we got back as they were when we left, they don't jump across the floor all on their own (despite my kids' claims).

I agree with all of it, but what resonates most is how some people think its a *choice* to keep a roof over the kids' heads and food in their bellies. I've always thought of that as being an obligation rather than a choice (that'll be the "Bad Parent" in me showing itself again! *ducks* ;o))