Hi Gina, I came across your blog yesterday while googling gender neutral parenting and basically in 24hrs I've read the whole thing. I am totally enamoured with you and your writing style.
I am 25 years old and currently in the 24th week of my first pregnancy. I've been having a hard time. It looks like I'll be having a little girl and although thrilled it terrifies me. I've struggled with the relationship with my own father my whole life and he sadly passed away 3 years ago. It looks like I will probably be raising my daughter "on my own" and it freaks me out. I say "on my own" because I am lucky to have a village. My mom and grandparents are so incredibly excited for the new addition but I wonder if I can handle it, be enough for my baby, without losing myself.
Your blog has given me some much needed energy, thank you and I look forward to reading more of your posts!

I feel awkward posting this comment, however I couldn't find an e-mail address for you and I felt compelled to let you know just how much your words have struck me.

Thanks :-)

So glad that you are getting so much help!

I'm just now getting to this...which tells you how far behind in my reader I am. *sigh* But I had to comment to tell you that the part where you said "they believe in what we are doing" really hit home for me. I often feel guilty for relying on my friends and parents so much for help (and I'm staying at home, working only two days a week). But I had never thought of it the way you did. My village is helping out with more than just my child - they are helping my family live the life we want. My parents certainly believe in what my husband and I are doing. They believe in my piano studio, my husband's doctoral program, and that to be the best parents we can be, we sometimes need help just to go have fun.

This post was a little dose of "guilt-be-gone" for me. Love it. and Thanks.

I am PHENOMENALLY bad at asking for help, and quite likely even worse at accepting it. I'm not sure I have much a village, and I suspect that this may be why.

That's so wonderful. We don't really have a village, unfortunately. We moved out to Nantucket for my husband's job in May, and are half-way across the country from our family and states away from the friend-village we had built in NY.

I love that you are going to law school, no matter what. I have this crazy dream of opening a natural maternity and baby boutique out here (so I can build my own village!). I don't have any money, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get it, but I have a vision! You'll do great; good luck!

I've been reading your blog for a long time and have found many a post I resonate with, but none like this! It is incredibly to ask for help in this day and age, and we are equally reluctant to accept if offered, choosing instead to struggle alone. One mom who guest-posted on my blog after I sent out an invitation for other authors wrote about motherhood being successful because of the "tribe" mentality; watching over each other and our children is a lost, yet necessary, facet of our communities. Thank you for bringing light to this subject!

I'm not a huge blog commenter (I'm an avid reader, but also an annoying lurker), but I felt I should let you know that I read this. I myself have received so many gifts and hand me downs and help from others that I'd be crazy not to want to pay it forward in any way I can! I just wish that the pool had worked out for you :/ I'm excited to follow your homebirth story, however, and I can't wait to read about it (just now involving La Bassine, I suppose haha)

Gina ~
I enjoy following your blog and have chosen it for the “One Lovely Blog Award.” You may pick up your award @ http://ponderdeeply.blogspot.com/2011/02/impact-of-tiny-impression.html

Thanks for getting all this info *out there* for those who need & want it.

Kathy

That is so awesome. Both our families live in another state. It sucks to be so far away, but they're awesome in that they make a point to visit as often as they can (we probably see each set of grandparents 3-5 times a year).

While we don't have much of a family-village, we do have what's close to the next best thing-- by complete chance we've happened upon an amazing nanny who helps us out part-time. My son loves her, and he LOVES the boy we share her with, so until he starts preschool it's an awesome way for him to get some fun play time, and for me to focus on our new baby (and keep myself semi-sane while doing so).

It's odd how I sometimes feel self-conscious about having "hired help" especially as a SAHM, like I "should" be able to do this on my own. But if it were a grandparent or anyone else helping us out, I wouldn't have that same feeling. I'm learning to get over it, and know that this is what works for US, that we're lucky enough to afford it, and that the only thing I need to worry about is figuring out what's best for us as a family (especially during these early and oh-so-trying years).

As someone who also gets asked this question all the time, I do have to say, that with the help of my husband, we do do it all. We don't have family nearby and most of my friends are single and childless, so they REALLY don't get it. My answer to this question is, "Well, I just do." I mean, what else am I going to say? Village or not, a lot of us seem to manage our personal lives, our home lives, and careers quite well out of necessity. And a few of us keep pursuing our dreams on top of all the other stuff going on in our lives. More than anything, being a role model for our children by not giving up what we want for ourselves is so important. You're doing a great job!

How incredible! That makes me wish that I lived closer to my family! That being said- my family is amazing for driving up anytime We need them, and our schedule is no where near as packed as yours!

I always feel uncomfortable when someone comments on "everything" I have going on - because I know it's not really my super-human energy (or skill!), but the incredible support system that my husband and I have. My parents, in-laws and friends are the pegs that hold up the tent!

We are grateful for it - but also aware that we need to make good use of the time and wealth that their contributions allow.

It sounds like you have a wonderful village.

I know for me I couldn't be a doula without my village. I have amazing friends who are willing to take my boys at a moments notice so I can go to births. Sometimes my best friend has even come to my house in the middle of the night when my hubby is out of town and someones birthing time starts.

I am grateful for my village too!

I referenced this in my tweet to you a little bit ago- you do indeed have a village who is rooting, positive-thinking and praying for you right now.

So happy to be a part of yours and you a part of mine :) And I just have to say that I think posts like this are important. It's important for women to see other women accepting help. Not a single one of us can do it all on our own, though I know many are not as fortunate to have as many in their immediate circle who can help. But even if you don't have a MIL or a father who lives close, don't be afraid to reach out and ACCEPT offers of help from friends near and far. I think the majority of us want to help each other and would jump at the chance.

Hi! I'm a writer, blogger, grandmother, natural childbirth believer and PP supporter who signed your petition request a few days ago. I met you through facebook - a friend for whom I also do copy editing.

You've probably been asked many times, but would you please answer two questions for me?

1) How did you arrive at the choice to use the word "Breeder" in your blog title?

2) Why do you refer to your husband as "Hyphenated?"

As a writer, follower and fellow blogger, I would really love to know :~)

Thank you!

That's so great! I really miss my "village". We moved away from my family for husband's work...and it just hasn't been the same. But my family were always ASKING for time with my kids...when it would benefit me the most. Wonderful!

Gina, this is a wonderful post. I also especially liked your words about how you are making it through these times for the happiness of your family-together, as village that includes you. Yesn you're the mom & you sacrifice a lot, but you allow your togetherness support you, too. I think a lot of us moms forget that vital component. It is good to be reminded of that.
I have guilt about the amount of help I need just to make it through the day sometimes. I don't know why I have it in my head that I should be able to parent, prepare gourmet, organic meals, whip up stimulating, educational crafts, keep a spotless, decorated home, be perfectly coifed, and happy, all while being a sex goddess with my husband. It's too much pressure. It takes a village of help to keep us all sane most days even after I have let go of those laughably unrealistic expectations.

I am so jealous, but you know that. I am so desperate for a break (and sunshine) that I an browsing flights to Charlotte NC to b=visit our family after writing my post today. You are indeed, very lucky!

Ahh...now this makes a lot more sense! :) I too wondered how in the world you go to school and do everything else. I can barely keep my head above water most days - we have no grandparents nor does my family chip in over here. It really does take a village... even to "just" be a parent and not also a student, career person, etc.

I do have a village, and how I need them! Just a week ago I hit a baaaad time, verging on doing Very Bad Things due to PPD, SAD, and fundamental depression (my baby is 9w). I sent out a plea to my community via FB, and have gotten both physical help and mental/emotional support since.. and props for asking for help when I needed it. Humans were not meant to do this alone!

I'm so glad that you have the support you do!

I wish all my relatives lived near us so they could help us with the kids. Be grateful for what you have, I know you are!
Bless the g'parents and friends and family!!!

I know what you mean! This summer/fall I had five surgeries, numerous ER visits, followed by infections and more doctors visits.

With out my mother, best and amazing friends, neighbors (who are conveniently amazing and phenomenal friends) I would never have made it through, add a broken wrist to that fun all on single parent duty..

I have written about how incredibly blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life, and how I hope to be able to repay them sometime- if they ever need anything. I will be there for them.

I LOVE this! I have a phenomenal family, but they live multiple states away.

I've created my own "tribe" by joining and participating in my local Holistic Moms Network chapters (three so far, due to moving!) and this last time I started a chapter myself so I could bring a community together for myself as well as others who aren't as fortunate to have a "ready made" village already in existence. What a blessing to have been given meals after births and care-dates after I got out of a 5 day hospital stay for septicemia! (Care-date is like a playdate where a mom and kid(s) come to entertain the kids while mama gets to nap or rest or shower, etc during recovery)

Thanks for highlighting the importance of having a village - I encourage all who don't have one "ready made" to join HMN and create one!

I'm a single mom, only one child ATM, she's 2,5 :) I also study full time and work 18-25h/week. With my child. She's not in any sort of daycare/preschool. I do most of my studies online, but sometimes I need to present. My sister, mother and brother all help me out <3 In return, I help them. And my father helps me in some ways, has made some larger purchases for my baby and such.

Plus facebook is amazing :) I keep a very limited number of friends on my personal page, but it's still over 100. I once needed some electronics, I posted a status asking if anyone has any they'd like to sell for a small price. I got some for free instead :) This winter/spring I've needed help to get studytime. Withing five minutes, I had six offers from potential babysitters! So I don't have to beg people or try to guess who might have time to assist me - I just post a question to everyone and those who would like to can asnwer.

Giving back to the community, facebook has also helped me to find a new home for a dishwasher, lots of babyclothes, some school books etc :) Plus I've volunteered for a single mom who needed babysitting. I wouldn't have known she needed help and she probably would not have asked, but she happened to mention on FB that she hasn't been able to go to work because her baby's been sick so much.

So around and 'round it goes!

I do think I have a pretty awesome village actually :) My boyfriend works very hard so that I can concentrate on our son (19 months) and finishing my undergrad in December (Sociology w/ CJUS emphasis). I work part time on weekends and if he isn't home from work those days or when I have night class, my mother, teenage sister, younger brother, or my father (he lives an hour away) come and take care of Hale. Sometimes it comes down to all of those people being busy and then I have a group of wonderful aunts, cousins, or great friends that lend a few hours of their time. Each and every one of them is awesome with him and very mindful of his 'lovely' range of food allergies/intolerance. When we first began discovering his food issues I was a NERVOUS wreck but my boyfriend and family kept me (somewhat) sane :) When I am feeling overwhelmed by school work, I know I can count on my siblings to come over and help me out with Hale so I can focus. Oh and I am also grateful to have had an awesome boss that actually understood and accomodated me while I was pumping milk-his wife is now feeding their third son so he actually made sure I was taking enough time/breaks and I am smart enough to know that a lot of woman (should) but do not get this in the work place.

I agree it does take a village. I am also lucky enough to have a great village. We live in a multi generational house including myself, my husband, my sister, her husband their two kids, and my mother and father. We all work together. I am finishing my AA degree, my doula certification, and getting ready to start my midwifery training all while trying to start a family. My husband is also in school part and working full time. We all depend on each other as well as amazing friends to and make it work. I love my village even if it is difficult at times but I know in the end we are creating much better lives for ourselves and our children by working together. Thank FB for reminding me to be thankful for my village.

Ahhhh...thanks for this. Oftentimes, it appears that those who "do it all" are doing it alone. I have the support of an awesome family, too, but feel guilty (why? No clue. Catholic upbringing?) for relying on them. Thanks for the reminder that raising a family and a career simultaneously is not the time to institute a good-old-American streak of independence! Do you think we're the only country that, in a roundabout way, expects parents to be rather independent?

Mega "LIKE"

You made me cry :D A good kind of cry, but still. It does take a village. I don't know what I would do without mine.

tfb - We made it through that - the school/working/grad school even the death of our first parent (we took care of him on Hospice while I was in grad school) while raising kids.

Let me tell you lady - the other side is so sweet! We've never had it this good, sure we're kind of broke, but we don't work nearly as hard as we used to! We high-five over it. A lot.

You're going to like it out here! I promise. It's worth it. Now, go take a nap. :)

Gina, this is AWESOME! Every family should have an amazing web of support like this! I don't have a huge support system (which makes me a little sad, but hell that's another story altogether), but I figure if I keep pressuring my friends to have kids then eventually we can all help each other out!

You are a lucky woman, Gina... I love that you have so much support- it is a wonderful gift!

I am not so lucky :( I do it pretty much by myself. My husband is gone for 6-8 weeks at a time and then home for a week... And my family support is nonexistent. It stinks,but at least I don't have to try to do it whilst in school or working!

<3

Good luck with law school! I graduated in May 2008. Its hard but you can do it! What kind of law do you want to practice?

That is fantastic that you have such a kick-ass support-system. In a time when many Moms still think they need to do everything themselves (like me for about a year after my firstborn entered our lives -- cue panic attack) it is refreshing to know you *can* lean on others. Not only that, but most people DO want to help! I've actually found my friendly neighbors to be more supportive than my family (who tend to be the opposite of helpful). I'll take it! Happy for you & your village!

I absolutely love this part: "This won’t be forever, though. We’re doing what we have to do to get through this part of our lives and create a better future for our family."

I don't have a family like yours yet. But the hope of having such, while also being about to balance work/school/family worries me greatly. I recently had to make a career change after being laid off, and going back to school for another degree to (eventually) get into a hopefully more stable career than my first one is something I feel is an ultimate gift to the family I do not yet have. And it's doable! Thank you so much for sharing about yours.

I do indeed have a village. My parents and in0laws aren't close by - 3 and 5 hours away. But, we have excellent neighbors. Through both pregnancies, they made sure our outdoor wood furnace was stocked and keeping us toasty warm, and they made sure to plow our drive so I could get out to go grocery shopping. Although I don't have anyone to babysit (by my choice) I have people around who help us out.

I'm glad to be in a place where I can start returning the favor to them and to others!

You're so, so lucky to have family on both sides close by! My parents are 8 hours away, my in-laws about 36 hours away and in another country. (Well, Canada, so some people say that doesn't count, but we think it does!). I am fortunate to have a great circle of friends where I live, mothers of young children like myself, who keep offering to help and reminding me that I'm not doing this on my own. I have to be sure to actually let them help me--it's easy to get caught up in the "I can do this by myself" mentality.

Oh yes indeed! I'm lucky to have an extended family that mostly choose to stay in the city where we grew up and we all pitch in to help each other. My parents and my in-laws (who live in the next town over) have both been a huge help with our son. Last spring we laid a new stone patio at our house and my in-laws took our one year old son for basically the entire weekend so that we do that (and then they came back the next weekend to finish the edges). The we decided to put our tiny house on the market which necessitated major remodeling of the bathrooms (no one wants to buy broken fixtures from the 70's) and we would never have gotten it done without my parents and my husband's parents taking the baby a lot.

We're so fortunate to have such a close and large extended family, even if it did mean that the guest list for my son's first birthday party was about 50 people (all family).

Oh, this makes me almost tear up with how amazing it is. I'm glad that you have so many loved ones there, supporting y'all through what sounds like a busy time.

While we're close to our families, they're not really nearby -- my in-laws and son's godparents live about 40 minutes away; my parents and entire extended family live 12-hours away in Wisconsin.

We had a brief local village when my son was new, before our friends started moving away and graduating from college, and before my sister moved into her own apartment. The village got us through a lot, and are still there to lean on. I just wish they were here, nearby.

It takes more than a village, but an army, navy, and marine corp to get me through my days. Without my mother, I'd be lost. I thank my lucky stars each day she's retired and healthy and has the energy to help me raise my boys.

Lord knows, I am barely getting by most days.

God bless. You have a lot on your plate. Being preggo with two kids alone is tough work, but toss in the mix school and running this website...

shit. you get the superwoman award in my book.

I am so glad that you recognize how lucky you are! My husband and I have been separated from our families for a decade now due to military service and having a baby overseas we have always had to "do it on our own". Which for us is not necessarily a bad thing. We like the independence of it all - but I have found myself crying in a dark corner several times over the last year - wishing I had family to share it with. The trials, the tribulations, and mostly the joy of it all. When we were overseas, alot of the women I met that had the lovely family similar to yours were often quick to complain - if only they had the outlook you have - its amazing the support you have! I wish the best for your family and your education!