After my mother had my brother (who was 10 lbs, 12 oz, 24 inches long and so big he moved out of the bassinet the day he was born (at home, with a midwife, no drugs, and a naked, two-year-old me dashing around (: ) ), she had some serious PPD. As a result, she cried a lot. At some really inane things. Like a tiny fence to go around her flower garden that simply would not stay upright. Being the sponge that I remain to this day, I walk onto the porch, all skinny, diapered 23-months of me, and say, "Fuck that damn shittin' fence! Right, Mom?!" which I no doubt learned from her, as that strong, intelligent, educated, independent woman has, to this day, one of the most foul mouths I have ever heard.

There are two lessons that I think can be taken from this. The first is that in spite of all the things that seriously fucked me up as a child, adolescent, and teen, my mother's copious amount of swearing was never one of them. In fact, her love and devotion to my brother and me was pretty much the only thing that kept me from finishing myself off for a good many years. My brother and I are now both successful, happy, feminist(!) college graduates in healthy relationships that in no way resemble the toxic one that my mother selflessly stayed in to make sure we got to grow up in an intact home (whether or not that served us well is another thing, but her intentions were completely loving). We are pretty well-adjusted adults with our share of shit to sort out but who know how to go through life dealing with things as they come and enjoying all the small wonders that each day holds (which we definitely learned from her). And when we feel like we're being taken advantage of, we sure as fucking hell have the vocabulary to make sure that we're heard and our goddamned needs are not ignored.

The second thing is that as human beings, especially human beings responsible for other human beings, we all hit a point where things are too much for us to handle and we need some help. Therapy can be great for some people. Having a good friend who's been there can be just as helpful. And sometimes it's really just that our biochemistry is a little out of whack and we can't climb out of that hole without a stepladder, the name of which some pharmaceutical company may have come up with. I'm bipolar and if it weren't for the meds that I take every day, I would not be a happily partnered second year student in an Advanced Practice Nursing program in Women's Health and Nurse-Midwifery with my first due in April. Whether it's a temporary step-stool or a more permanent set of stilts, human or chemical, no one gets to judge you for not being able to do it completely on your own because we've all been there. And if they haven't then they had better be on the look-out, because their turn is on the horizon.

You're awesome. And I wish you absolutely all the best in everything, in sorting out this issue and beyond. Your sharing of things so intimate and yet so fucking universal to so many women is a gift. And we definitely appreciate it. (:

Your son repeating a swear word in this manner (as opposed to the manner in which most try it out- at home, safely with mom around to scold quickly and fiercely), was only different in terms of perception. It's not any bigger an issue that he said it in public because that suddenly makes it a worse word. It's still just the word, and there aren't really bad words, more bad intentions.
Your son didn't have any bad intentions, it was just a word he heard- he knew it was powerful because of the way in which he's heard it used, and wanted to be empowered, so he tried it out. He was using the word with curiosity, not malice. Does this make you a bad parent? No. Of course it doesn't. As long as you take your lessons when they come.
See, awhile back I had a friend tell me that she was expecting, and asked me for advice in helping her figure out what to do. I was full of it. I've been the only person in my group of friends with a child for so long it was great to have someone to talk to about all those thoughts and fears that come with that information. When we hung up, I thought about what I had said to her;
"As long as you struggle to always be a better parent, you'll be okay."
And I thought.... Holy shit, I'm not doing that at all.
From there it occurred to me that I treat my daughter in a way that I wouldn't ever treat anyone else, and I made a conscious decision to approach our issues in a different way than I had been. To try and avoid raising my voice or being impatient. It's not always easy, but I'm TRYING and that's what matters.
So your situation is different, in that it would take a decision by both you and HH to be more aware of how you speak in front of the kids, and to talk to each other in a more rational and patient way. Even more difficult because you have to get him on board. But you'll get a lot further this way than taking pills to make yourself complacent. A lot of the times these pills don't make things better per se, but they make us feel better. Your kids will still be getting damaged, you just won't know or work at changing that.
Feeling crappy about getting caught swearing is GOOD! That's how you should feel! Harness that into making a positive change, instead of feeling negative about your parenting.
I'm rooting for you!

Well, as you know, if he worst things your kids get from you is a few fights with dad and a potty mouth, they're very lucky.
But I am not so kind when it comes to my own parenting skills and slipups, so I can understand why you feel this way.
If Zoloft is going to make you FEEL like a better mom, and make you PERCEIVE life as happier, then why wait?? To me, what is the debate about-- it might not make you a better mom, but if it makes you a happier or more laid back person, that's totally worth the price of admission.
I, myself, have a significant and lifelong battle with mental illness that is resistant to *EVERY* kind of medication out there. Yes, I have tried them all, had all the tests done, and almost had brain surgery.
I don't say this to whine or complain, or make your problems feel small. I say it to help you realize that you have the OPTION of getting help when you know you need it. I don't have any options, so when I need them, we all just suffer. I'd disfigure myself, in a very literal sense, to pop some pills and learn to live again.
Better living through technology, that's what I say. More power to you for knowing you need help and asking for it-- and your kids are lucky to have a mom who is so self-aware. This is what will make you awesome in the long run-- and I know that somewhere in the back of your head, you know that. Hang in there.

Man, it could have been worse. There are endless other things your kid could have done at preschool that are actually harmful. So says the mum whose kid went thru a 6-month hitting and biting phase after I left her dad.
I left my husband because he was useless. I was taking Effexor then, and I take Zoloft now to be able to deal with co-parenting with a complete dolt (among all the other things, like cursed genes).
But it doesn't help with the general feeling of madness, of being a feminist raising a girl and doubting that things will be any different for her when she's my age. I just finished reading this book and if I could I would give it to every damn man and woman I know of child-bearing age: http://www.karenbridson.com/stunned.html. It makes me feel not-alone in my hatred for the roles that men and women/husbands and wives fall into.
Once, while camping with 4 other families, my kid overheard me say 'no shit' to another parent. Within seconds she had turned 'no shit, no shit, no shit' into a chorus. Which was just awesome considering how well a kid's voice carries at a campground in the twilight hours.

I've been on holiday this past week so this is the first chance i've had to read.
Seriously, that daycare teacher needs to take the stick out of her arse. Ewan would never have survived in that environment because he wasn't even toilet trained until he was 4 years 3 months (nothing like having a kid whose 10x more stubborn than yourself!).
As for the swearing, he's 3 it happens, but he'll learn about context and grow out of repeating it. When Ewan was that age, or perhaps even younger, we were feeding the ducks at the pond and the pigeons were stealing the bread. Cue Ewan shouting "stop stealing the bread you bastards!!!!". He's 7 and a half now and doesn't repeat my tirade of particularly colourful swear words, despite having watched South Park since he was 4 (meh to censorship!).

You'll remember this day and laugh about it when your son is 18! Hope all the positive comments have eased the need for zoloft. I'm always swearing and shouting too - there, I admitted it. I'm short tempered and and bad mum sometimes just like everyone else. It's just that we don't admit it often enough.

Hmmm. I always come up with great come-backs AFTER the incident. I wish you could have said. "Oh that's interesting. And WHY do you think he doesn't feel comfortable speaking in your class? We haven't had that problem elsewhere."
Hang in there. The blood boiling, the inappropriate words used correctly, almost all of us have been there. But still, it is a good idea to take care of you too.

The daycare teacher sounds like a pushy bitch! I hate it when someone criticizes my parenting choices. Also, I like the idea of following up a curse word with a pretty word. My niece picked up on 'shit' and so when she says it my sister says 'shirt? You meant shirt.' You're not a bad mom. And if you think that medication will help you should do it. I used to be against taking 'personality altering' medication but now I realize that that's just stupid. Do what you have to do!

Oh, honey. I just want to give you a big hug. I echo what everyone has said about changing daycare providers if that's an option for you.
Also, there is no shame in Zoloft to get you through even the smallest of daily things. Being a mom is hard; being a mom of small children is very hard. I have a life that most would find enviable, and I still take Zoloft. Long ago I reasoned that if I was going to be a different kind of mom than my mom was it was going to take more than sheer determination and prayer.
Be easy on yourself.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are one of the best moms I know and have helped to make me a better mom. I'm amazed that you balance so much, and all the while, put your kids first. I'm always surprised and impressed. If anything, the reason you can't easily put up with "bullshit" is because you are an overachiever. Take a deep breath, go snuggle with your boys and give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Deep breaths. We all say bullshit. We all fight with our husbands and we're all on Zoloft or some close facsimile.

I had no idea Zoloft was the cure for cursing! :) I'll just add another voice to the chorus to the effect that cursing in front of one's children, and said children repeating it, does not make one a bad mother. DH has told me about times he's heard our two year old say "goddammit" and "Jesus Christ" (I specialize in the blasphemous, though I utilize most of the curse words in the English language and an occasional Spanish one for good measure). I don't think it has anything to do with trailer trash.
Also, FWIW, agree with other commenters about Imperious Day Care Lady. Hang in there and be kind to yourself, mama.

Wow. Everyone pretty much said what I'd say. I'd like to echo the sentiment that the daycare teacher sounds like a royal bitch. Who is she to be judging how you raise your kids. Damn. We swear in front of our son - he says 'shit' now and his daddy is so proud (that might be an exaggeration).
As for perfect men? Dude... I have yet to meet one and I sure as hell am not married to one. Every woman I know is driven insane by her husband. Every single one. You are not alone there, my friend.

Holy Shit. (See? We're all showing our sailorspeak in solidarity.) Honestly, the "zero tolerance for accidents" thing you describe scares me more than anything else about this place. Kids have accidents. The kid who has accidents three days in a row by late September probably needs for the teacher and the parents to have A Little Talk. But an occasional puddle? Geez. It happens to everyone. (It happened to me at age 4 in a ballet recital, on stage, tutu on and everything. I think this is the first time I've confessed that publicly)
My oh-so-snooty-do-you-have-any-idea-with-whom-you're-dealing response would have been a raised eyebrow and a very pointed, "Really! And how did you handle the situation?" right-back-atcha to the teacher, because *I* have a zero tolerance policy for people whom I suspect are trying to make themselves feel big by making me feel smaller.
While I totally get that "change daycare" isn't exactly a quick one-phone-call process, and obviously there are a lot of factors that cause us to choose one place over the other, I do have to agree with the other commenters that she's the out of line one, not you, and another situation might not be a bad idea if it's possible...

Oh, lord. I hate to think what I am then (since the other night in the middle of the night after days of non-sleep I let out a string of f-bombs that would make a sailor blush).
Last year, I went on Zoloft for this very reason. I am off now. I should be back on as well, but I really need talk therapy as well. Good luck, girl. You are not a bad parent, you are a normal one.

You guys are all making me cry - from laughter AND from an overwhelming feeling of support and empathy. Thanks. You ladies are the bestest.

I have, on occasion, used four-letter words in front of my kids, who hasn't? I almost always follow them by saying "butterfly." That's the last thing they hear and usually the last thing they'll remember me saying at that particular time. It works, try it. And for the pre-school teacher, at least he didn't call her a fucking bitch.

That teacher sounds, um, scary. Really. My daughter's daycare requires that all the children be toilet-trained, and that they can more or less handle their dressing and so on. But there is an understanding that they're 3 and 4 year olds, and still learning. The occasional accident or kid who needs help with buttons is par for the course. It would be awful to feel as if you're getting in trouble because your child is acting his age.
I can't say how bad things are in your house. But I have sworn in front of my kids, and I don't even swear much. My 2-year-old has yelled, "Dammit, they're out of frozen peas!" in front of old ladies at the grocery store. Yes, I've tried to clean up my language. Sometimes I'm even successful. But the take-away really is that the kids need to learn and will learn what is and isn't OK to say, and when. In the meantime, I wouldn't beat myself up over this one incident.
But like I said, I don't know what's really up. And if you think you're in a place where you need medication, or counseling, or whatever, I hope you get it. Because you are really important and deserve to be happy and sane, whether your kid swears at daycare or not.

Motherhood is hard.
I think I'm one of those women, but only because my husband is one of those men. He doesn't lecture me about my inability to do laundry. He just does it, and is surprised when I talk him. Also, we're apart for 15 months every other year. That gives a couple a deep appreciation for one another, and keeps the newlywed amazement alive, and keeps you SEEing one another.
I haven't sworn in front of my kids, but I did throw a tantrum yesterday. And I need to make some big changes so that doesn't happen again. Because I don't want to turn into my mother.

Hi Gina,
I read your blog but I've never commented. Ok, def think about changing your son's day-care. They should be your partners in caring for your child, not a bitchy old grandma telling you that he can't have an accident and he better wash his hands. You know, that seems like lots of unrealistic expectations for 3 year old's.
Secondly, Zoloft. While it may be the right choice for you ultimately, have you explored other options? Presumably, if you have health insurance you can go to therapy. It can do wonders and help you find true peace, not just true Zoloft peace. Have you explored Chinese medicine? I recently started seeing a CM dr who prescribed herbs for a medical issue but they did wonders for my mood.
I think you're right to say that you don't want to repeat the mistakes of your parents. So rather than keep score with your husband, why not start keeping tabs on what's up within yourself. Fight, but fight with those internal demons and make friends with those places in you that need attention.
Being a feminist and being angry can be separate processes and in fact it could be argued that the angrier it is the less feminist is becomes. Hmmm...I'll have to think that one over.
I say all of this to you but also to remind myself to. Much love to you in dealing with all this bullshit you inherited.

I give you this video: http://www.flickr.com/photos/neilransom/3968077939... Watch for 0:36. Yes, that's my 18 month old saying "Oh, shit." I hope it cheers you.
That teacher is some piece of work. I"m so sorry you had to deal with her. But seriously, listen to the other moms here. You are NOT a bad mom! You are so far from being a bad mom, it's not even funny.
I wanted to wax philosophical about one thing you said: "My intensely feminist self sees 'letting things go' as really just 'putting up with things', and that I can't have." I totally get that. I've felt that way sooooo many times in the past, and I still feel that way about a lot of things. But I do think there's a difference between the two - depending on the situation (it's not always going to apply). I think that "letting things go" means you've decided you are not going to let something bother you anymore - you're taking the power to continue to vex you AWAY from that thing. Whereas "putting up with things" is almost the exact opposite - THAT is deciding to allow the thing to continue to bother you, but just not doing anything about it. That is the passive choice, the martyr, the victim, and I thoroughly get your disdain for that.
Does that make sense? It totally depends on what you're talking about in any given situation, of course. It may sound unforgivably cheesy, but it's a little about accepting things that you can't change (like the crappy attitude of that teacher - annoying as it is to deal with, that's HER stuff, ultimately), and changing the things you CAN, and the wisdom to know the difference. You know?
I hope that made sense and didn't seem awful - seriously, I know it's easier said than done. It specifically resonated with me BECAUSE I struggle with the same thing.

Never underestimate the power of letting your children see that you are human and not some unrealistic version of a person who has her complete emotions regulated and in check. And never underestimate the power of apologizing to your children and admitting that Mom has made a mistake.
I would be hard pressed to find a parent who's 3 year old has not repeated a swear word. My daughter at 3 yelled f**king sh*t at me when I wouldn't let her get her way about something. As mortified as I was, I was also impressed that she knew what context to swear in.

You know you're not alone, Gina!
Mark is a *saint,* yet I get so mad at him sometimes I want to stab him. It's not always his fault...BUT when I have to keep a mental to-do list for a 30-year-old man and keep checking in and checking in and checking in (rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat) when I already have to remember to eat enough protein, get enough calories, do the exercises from the Bradley class, buy birthday cards, etc. etc. I lose my shit.
So, there's *that* bullshit. What year did the Stones release "Mother's Little Helper," btw? I think we've been in good company for many, many years.
Then there's the word bullshit. Our kids are a reflection of who we are and what they see/hear. I'm surprised Sadie's first word wasn't motherfucker. This doesn't make me a bad parent, nor does Jonas's statements today make YOU a bad parent. We just need to be more cautious parents if this is something we want to curb in our kids.
Perhaps Sadie, Jonas, and Jules can get a group discount at the therapist when they're older. Our screaming and yelling has curbed a tiny bit, but Sadie still sees too much and is totally impacted. If I had a dime for every time she's said, "Mama, no cry." Ugh...it breaks my heart. So, this, THIS is the issue that makes us parents who need to take a hard look at what we're doing to our kids. At least to my mind.
I'd be shocked if Jonas was the first kid to swear in this woman's daycare. Shocked. I worked in a preschool for about three years and kids do and say all kinds of things. All of them.

I don't know that I think kids saying swears is a bad thing. They are going to hear those words eventually and the only reason that kids will continue the behavior is if its a BIG oh no. Kids like getting a rise out of people. It sounds like the teacher needs the zoloft more than you do. I mean, you work in a preschool and you freak out over a swear word or a potty accident or kids not buttoning coats. Come on! I worked in preschool for years and that is just part of the deal. I'd be searching for a different school.

I have never met a parent whose preschooler hasn't shouted some sort of expletive in a public place. Shit happens and sometimes it comes out of our kids mouths....I can tell you (and I was raised in a WASP household!!!) that I personally witnessed my younger siblings' outbursts on occasion (and I laughed, still do), and my baby has repeated "oh, shit" after my darling husband. Relax...you're still a wonderful mom, and your readers, kids, and family obviously love you!

1. Cussing happens, sometimes kids repeat it. Would I be proud? Hell no, but this preschool incident doesn't make you bad mother.
2. That being said, it seems like this is the catalyst for an explosion of emotions for you. I'm not an expert on Zoloft or depression. I tend to avoid medication, but if it's what you truly need for your mental state right now, and to help you through this time, then you do what you've got to do. I hope, though, that it's not just so you can check out and "gloss over" major issues/feelings that you need to work through right now. I don't know much about your marriage or your husband other than the small amount I've read on here (obviously taking into account that much of the time you are venting your frustrations). I am never one to advocate divorce all willy-nilly, but you should certainly never "settle". All that leads to is resentment.
I'm sorry you're having such a bad day :(

First of all - you are not a bad mother. YOU ARE FUCKING HUMAN. (See, I swear too. A LOT)
Second of all, that teacher sounds like she has a giant stick up her ass.
If you feel you need to take the meds, maybe it wouldn't hurt to try, or at least talk to someone. If you aren't happy with something, it's time to get to the source of the issue and try to change it. Ignoring or procrastinating will just make it worse.
If it makes you feel any better - yes I cannot stand my husband sometimes. He never cleans and when I ask him why, all he says, "I don't think it needs to be cleaned yet." Okay, which means he would never clean because he is a slob like most men I know. I swear in front of Mason, I try not to but I do. So does Hubby. Mace has said fuck before. Oh, and I took a huge nasty smelly dump in front of everyone during Hannah's birth. I was on the toilet too. No better place right? Then my midwife actually wiped my ass for me. Nice, huh?

Well, if it makes you feel any better I overheard my three year old telling my five year old to "shut the fuck up" the other day. I swear, I DO NOT tell my kids to shut the fuck up (although I can't say that I've never sworn in front of them, that's for sure). Thank goodness for me it was at home and not in public but I'm sure that day will come for me eventually!

I think my first call would be to find a new daycare. A teacher who regularly makes parents feel like, well, shit, should not be teaching little kids. Zoloft might not be a bad idea if you're feeling the edge. I've been there (I may be there now, actually). I don't think it's a necessarily bad thing for kids to see parents fight, but it should be fighting fair (where the zoloft may come in). In our house, I'm the stay at home mom, and I'm also the messy one (so says my hubby). Frankly, I wish HE would do more of the "letting go" thing that women's magazines advise US to do. Letting go isn't so much about putting up with, but realizing that we all have different standards and we have to live with each other, so maybe we can have a meeting place instead of a battle ground. I hope you feel better soon.

I say do what you gotta do (individual/couples' therapy, medication, meditatoin, yoga, WHATEVER) when it comes to your mental and emotional health. And it looks like you're not only being proactive but also have the right sort of self-knowledge to know what you need. (As if it's any of my business, I know...)
But as for that daycare/preschool lady?! For her to have what seems to me to be such inordinately high and unwavering and ungenerous standards for THREE-YEAR-OLDS?!
Jonas's Mommy's blog-reader says BULLSHIT!

Oh my gosh, don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like a wonderful mommy - and most of us have slipped up in front of our kids. And they repeat it. I challenge this daycare lady to prove she has never done anything less than angelic and perfect in front of her - or your - kids. (Or is she an idealist with no kids of her own?).
One of my friends has a son whose first "word" was ohshit. And mine have slipped out a few expletives as well.
Go give your babe a hug and just say "mommy loves you". That's all that matters.