January 8th, 2010
Mean Girls Grow up to be Mean Women
My feminism aches from the nastiness I see women throwing at other women, especially on the internet. People say things to other people they would never dream of saying to their face. And I’m not just talking about the disagreements – it’s okay to disagree, healthy even.
But WHAT is with the name calling?!! Seriously, are we 12? The name calling starts when you disagree (whether directly or indirectly) with a person’s sentiment, and they turn around and hurl insults and expletives at you instead of formulating a respectful (or at least mature) response.
And the bullying? The bullying occurs when someone doesn’t like something you’ve said, and they write entire blog posts dedicated to what a horrible, stupid person you are, then post links all over any relevant site in an effort to persuade their network of “friends” to come to your blog and harass you along with them.
And my god, the stalking?! Stalking occurs every time we hang around someone’s space who we do not like at all, and have no business even reading. I mean really – if you don’t like the author, what in the world are you doing reading her thoughts? That’s just twisted. Either you’re looking for ammo or you’re a masochist. Either way, not good.
I’ve seen this behavior out of females from early on in my childhood. Attending 26 different schools between K-12th grade meant I was always the new kid, and we all know how new kids get treated. Being poor as hell, having bright, firey red hair, and developing quicker than the other girls made me an especially obvious target. I left school crying many days over the torture I received. One day, after the bullies told me I smelled bad, I shoplifted a stick of deodorant from the local convenience store because my grandparents didn’t have any money to buy me any. And because thievery is not in my nature, I cried the whole way home and promised myself I’d never, ever steal again, no matter what bitch said I stank.
As a result of that treatment, and the nightly beatings I got growing up, I have always been an outspoken advocate for people who are getting treated like crap. When I was in high school, I often came to the aid of girls getting bullied. While the other Mean Girls would stand around the locker room yelling insults at the poor freshmen girls for nothing more than the crime of being younger, I’d stand in the middle and tell those Mean Girls that their behavior was hurtful, and I’d tell the freshmen girls that the Mean Girls were just jealous and immature. Veronica Arreola recently described me on twitter as a feminist who “supports mamas w/a vengeance!”
Damn straight.
Some people – people who don’t know me well – assume that my firey, outspoken nature means that I’m one of those Mean Women. But people who know me see that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I am a compassionate, empathetic, loyal, caring person who simply cannot tolerate the injustice I see in the world. There is a major difference between being the Bully, and being the Person who fights back ferociously on behalf of the victim. I don’t like this Mean Girl behavior, and I won’t take it laying down, whether it’s directed at me, one of my friends, or even a total stranger who I’m merely sympathetic to.
But of course that comes with a cost. This makes some people think that it’s okay to say hateful, awful things to me.
When I stuck up for a homebirth mom who lost her baby, @JessicaGotlieb called me a “raging asshole” and implied that I was stupid. I’m not surprised after the article she wrote about the poor, homebirthing mother. And you guys know how I feel about women who deny that birth rape can exist. *shaking my head*
When I told Elita @blacktating on twitter that I wasn’t going to let her bully me, she called me a “nasty bitch” and a “racist” in response. I guess it really upset her that I wasn’t going to participate in her attack on me.
But I’m just embarrassed for them. No matter how many double birds I’ve thrown at my computer, I don’t make it a habit of publicly attacking a fellow woman like that, especially without any direct provocation. Especially not someone in my tiny, close-knit community of mom bloggers, activists, or advocates.
This infighting has GOT to stop. I’m not saying we should all agree, because we most certainly should not. As responsible, thinking women, it is our responsibility to debate the issues and work on the scary solutions. But, please, if you’re hanging around the blog of someone you hate, close the damn window and walk away now. Or, If you’re tempted to repost somebody’s words all over the internet in order to drum up hatred for some person who couldn’t care less about you, just cut it the fuck out. That’s nutcase behavior. And, if you’re one of these women who thinks that name calling on Twitter (or your blog, or a comments section) won’t come back to haunt you – I’d like to let you know I’ll be at BlogHer ’10 this year. Come say that shit to my face. I triple dog dare you.
Let’s get it together, ladies. We are grown ass women.
Click to Leave a Comment
yes. just, yes.
::claps::
Mandy´s last blog ..things i love thursday :: 4 dollar jewelry. 
[Reply]
If you thought Mean Girls were bad, try Mean Moms. All you can do is remember that if you’re pissing them off, you must be doing something right.
Shannon Drury´s last blog ..Feminists are funny?!
[Reply]
I hear you and I agree with you. That kind of inflammatory back biting behavior is no more accepted online as it is “in real life”.
I’m a bit concerned though because I do feel that by naming names instead of discussing the situation without their ID’s you degraded the article a bit. It could be construed as a veiled attempt to “repost somebody’s words all over the internet in order to drum up hatred for some person who couldn’t care less about you,”.
Not because I believe in protecting a bully or in the whole they who shall not be named kind of way. Those type of people seem to thrive on attention of any sort and really they aren’t worth my mouse click. They don’t deserve any of your readers to mouse click on them at all.
I know you are a woman of integrity and passion and I’d hate for someone to take your insightful well written article the wrong way.
I really am heartened to know that there are a multitude of defenders of the weak out here in the cloud and we will not tolerate bullying.
Love and Laughter,
Amy
[Reply]
@SagePixie – you are very right about that. I started the article with the intention of not naming anybody. However, it seemed to be much ado about nothing unless I gave real examples. So, I named names – and the difference I hope my readers see is that instead of calling THEM names, I simply called out the behavior.
And I made sure not to link directly to their personal blogs because I didn’t want them to get any traffic off me. I actually never, EVER link to people’s blogs that I’m not a fan of.
[Reply]
It is such a challenging thing to stand up against bullies without becoming a bully yourself. Congratualations, you just walked that fine line with grace.
Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Why Didn’t You Tell Me . . .
[Reply]
@Zoey – thank you. Much appreciated.
[Reply]
I have to admit that once in awhile I read a very conservative mom blog. She commented on mine once so I followed her url back to her site and while I didn’t like much of what she had to say about politics and certain social issues, she was still a lactivist so I felt the need to give her some respect. Many times I’ve shuddered at her opinions and beliefs but I’ve also learned more about her “side” and I think it’s enabled me to be a more compassionate person towards people who I don’t always agree with. I actually left her a comment once, saying that I didn’t agree with what she said. I did it respectfully and I thought she might get pissed and delete me but she actually responded and told it it was her favorite comment of all time! Wow! I think we all need to get along and treat each other with respect despite our differences. Great post Gina.
Melodie´s last blog ..Foodie Fridays: Vegan Fudge Brownies
[Reply]
I got involved in this name-calling quite accidentally in September over Eggo waffles of all things. I couldn’t believe the meanness in the world!
Of course, the biggest disappointment of my adult life is that all of the characters of high school are just the same as adults – they just get older and never grow up!
Joey´s last blog ..Trash or treasured memory?
[Reply]
I have just recently finished dealing with this sort of thing. After years of visiting the same site and getting yelled at for stating an opinion and called every rude name imaginable, I decided to stop. I mean, really, that’s all you can do. You can’t argue with bullies, you can’t prove a point, and you can’t have a civilized conversation with them. You just have to stop it because it’s a power struggle. Nothing good comes from those.
And the thing with these internet bullies is that they could very well be very nice ladies in real life, but there’s something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out people’s nasty sides.
After two years of letting myself get poked at trying to defend myself with no progress, I just quit going there. And I don’t regret it.
Thanks for this, I loved it!
[Reply]
In your response to the woman who insulted you for defending the unfortunate home-birthing mom, did you point out that the infant mortality rate has actually increased since the popularization of hospital births?
[Reply]
You’ve made my day. I’ve been in the mama game a long time now and I’ve learned to ignore the mean moms – much like I did in high school. It’s nice to know there are other defenders of the bullied out there. We’ve gotta stick together, ladies. We can agree to disagree but we should treat each other well.
[Reply]
yeah…. whoo!!!
im just sick of the way moms treat each other. how can you be raising your kid to be loving and respectful when you arent yourself? its not just an online thing; these people are just as good at being mean in person. argh!
[Reply]
Listen, I want to hear from you - I really do. And if you're being nice to me, I encourage you to leave eleventy-billion comments. But for realzies - don't be mean to me or anybody else here. I mean seriously, do not make me use the delete button, because I will. Oh, I will.
AvatarsThe avatars that are shown are via Gravatar. If you do not have one associated with your email address it will show a default image, however I suggest you sign up to get one since many blogs use this feature!
Commenting Additions You may use the following mark-up within your comments. I only permit XHTML mark-up at this time. Line breaks are converted automatically.(<em> <del> <strong> <pre> <code> <blockquote>)
