There has been a particularly large volume of anti-lactivist articles and blogs surfacing lately, and I’m trying to make sense of them. It seems that every mother who formula feeds feels the need to lash out against the women who told her she could/should breastfeed. It goes the other way too. Those of us who needed support breastfeeding, and only had formula feeding shoved in our face, are equally as pissed off about the things we were told – even if the person promoting formula feeding was just trying to help. Perhaps they saw a stressed out mom and thought “Jeez honey, why are you doing this to yourself? … give the kid some Similac and call it a day … you’ll be much happier.” – not knowing that they were unintentionally slapping that woman’s breastfeeding efforts across the face.
It’s not just with breastfeeding though. This is a strong phenomena in all aspects of natural birthing and mothering. Some who’ve had c-sections get offended when women talk about natural childbirth. They loved their c-sections and thought they were necessary, so shut-up-you-stupid-hippy-with-your-stupid-painful-natural-childbirth-nonsense. And those who are traumatized by their medicated or cesarean births are offended when someone says “It doesn’t matter how the baby came out.” That’s another big slap in the face. Those are the kinds of statements that exacerbate the post-partum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder caused by that woman’s traumatic birth experience. But the person’s intention is to help, so how can you fault them?
Well, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
A friend/family member/provider can make a comment, and depending on the mother’s perspective, that comment can be taken a number of different ways. That comment can be seen differently even by the same mother depending on what mood or mind frame she is in.
Example:
Setting: My 1st Pregnancy, 1st prenatal appointment
Midwife: are you going to breastfeed?
Me: Hell No!
Midwife: Why not?
Me: Because that’s disgusting!
Midwife: You really should think about breastfeeding, here is some information.(later, to my formula feeding friend)
Me: That midwife was so f*cking mean!! She practically held me down and forced me to say I would breastfeed!
My Friend: Yuck! I didn’t breastfeed, and you don’t have to either
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend!Fast forward 2 and a half years…
Setting: Pediatrician’s Office – 2nd baby’s 1 week postnatal checkup
Pediatrician: He hasn’t regained his birth weight yet
Me: So? He was born nearly 10 lbs
Pediatrician: Well, we should give him some formula too, just for now
Me: Um, no, that ruined my breastfeeding relationship the first time, I’m not doing that route again
Pediatrician: But I’m really worried about his slow weight gain(later, to my breastfeeding friends)
Me: That stupid Pediatrician tried to tell me I’m starving my baby!
My Friend: They don’t know what they’re talking about – see, here’s some information – keep breastfeeding, you’re doing great
Me: Thank you, you’re such a good friend.
Do you see what I mean? I am the same person, just with a different perspective, and that perspective paints each of my interactions with a very different brush. Was that first midwife forcing me to breastfeed? No. Was that pediatrician forcing me to formula feed? No. But what I heard them say was determined by my OWN feelings about the situation.
So, if you’re feeling guilty over formula-feeding, why not take a step back and determine *why* you feel guilty. Did that lactation consultant really call you a "shitty mother" because you made the informed decision to quit breastfeeding? Or is that just what you heard? No one can make you feel something unless you let them, so if you’re feeling guilty, perhaps you have deeper feelings about breastfeeding or formula feeding than you’d like to admit? And if you don’t, then you should be happy with your decision – plain and simple. No one has the ability to go into your head and force your brain to transmit guilt into your soul. Guilt is self-inflicted. It’s your conscience telling your brain to consider this decision with care because this one really matters to you.
How about we all put these "wars" into perspective and realize that happiness comes from within. Make your decision, with information, please, and then be happy with the path you’ve chosen. If someone has a different opinion, take it for what it is – an opinion – and don’t internalize the chatter unless what they're saying helps support your informed decision.
Then, none of us have anyone to blame for our Mommy Guilt except ourselves.
I will repeat a response I made to another blog today.
As Mothers we have a tendency to 'try' things (not commit to a decision we have made, and thus not give it our best) or subscribe to things (sign on like it is a permanent decision). The latter is the source of a lot of guilt. You feel like you have to defend your position, or admit that you are wrong. On the other hand - when acting as a breastfeeding support person I will encourage Mom's to make a decision to do something. Period. When they receive new information or hit a stage that makes them rethink a new plan - make another decision. It sounds simplistic - but I recently heard from a mom I helped 5 weeks pp with her 5 week preemie with breastfeeding. At the time she was ready to quit, and when I heard from her she was still nursing her 13 month old, and said that she had not seen it that way, and realised that by 'trying' to breastfeed she was not as committed as she was when she decided that she WAS doing it.
With that frame of thinking you can listen to different points of view and consider how/if they fit into your family, and take or leave as necessary - leaving the guilt at the door.
I do have trouble staying that removed when I hear the 'cut 'im out' talk, or the 'don't put yourself through that' stuff. Then I am not feeling guilt. Just anger, and sadness, and sometimes hopelessness...
Anyhoo - loving your blog. :)
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