This week I attended my 6th birth as a doula, which was also my very 1st cesarean. I’m not going to talk about the mother’s birth story because that’s not my story to tell, but I do want to talk about how I felt throughout this experience, especially given my own history.
When I first started taking births as a doula, I was thoroughly terrified that I’d end up seeing a cesarean. I can’t even be around the hospital where I had my surgery, and I felt like being at another woman’s surgical birth would trigger all the bad feelings. But so far I’ve been very lucky. I’ve had healthy moms with healthy babies who did everything they could to educate themselves about birth, including hiring the right support team to get them through. My 6th mom was just as smart and did just as much preparation as the others, but the one thing she didn’t have on her side was the “perfectly healthy” part, which is just a bad hand that some women are dealt and there’s nothing that anybody can do about it. Toward the end, it became clear to everyone that she would be having a near pre-term scheduled cesarean delivery, and at first, I was very disappointed and nervous.
When the date and time were set, I anxiously called my doula to have her talk me down from the ledge. I was surprised to find that I wasn’t actually nervous about being at a cesarean, I was just very nervous about my role – wondering what kind of help I could offer to this couple. After attending five births this summer/fall, three completely unmedicated, I think I’ve gotten pretty awesome at helping a mom handle labor – I’ve just got a knack for it. But if there’s no labor, then what in the world would my job look like? Not knowing my place makes me incredibly anxious.
My doula asked me how I felt about going into the surgery itself, to which I responded, “I’m totally fine,” and I actually meant it. I think the reason I was “totally fine” with this one was that it was a necessary cesarean. There was no question about that. This wasn’t a birth that started out with a healthy mother who was sabotaged by medical staff into having a cesarean. This was one of those 10-15% situations where the benefits of the procedure certainly outweighed the risks.
Thankfully, my doula gave me some great advice about my role in this delivery. She told me I should offer the couple a way out, meaning they could forego my services if they didn’t feel they were necessary anymore. She also told me about the procedure itself, which I’ve only experienced as the one lying on the table being gutted. I had no idea what to expect as a witness to the process. When I talked to the couple they did still want my help because they wanted someone to be with the mother at all times if the husband had to go somewhere with the baby.
As things unfolded, I came to realize how helpful a doula can be in these situations – especially one who’s had a cesarean herself. First of all, there was lots and LOTS of waiting around. I mentioned on my TFB facebook page that this birth, start to finish, actually took hours longer than any of the unmedicated vaginal births I’ve attended. There were tests to take and blood to draw and questions from zillions of staff members. Throughout all of the preparation, the parents had a million questions for me about what the mom may feel, what recovery would be like, and what sorts of parenting tools and techniques I could recommend. She was working with one of the most respected midwife groups in the area, at a very baby-friendly hospital, so they really did do a wonderful job informing her and treating her with respect, but there were still many holes that I was able to help fill in.
Thanks to some very helpful staff, I was able to be in the OR to sit with the mom while the dad took the baby to the nursery. I like to think that I was able to help keep her calm during the scariest parts of the closure. If you’ve ever had a cesarean, the closure itself can be the toughest part. It takes longer than the first part of the surgery, and there’s lots of very tough pulling and tugging, which can make the mother intensely nauseated and panicked. That was the part in my surgery where I threw up on myself and blacked out – only waking up hours later in recovery. If only I had a doula…
Being just on the other side of that curtain was not nearly as hard for me as I thought it would be. I was just about as close to a cesarean as a person can be without actually being the one having the surgery, but I was never anxious or nervous. I think it really helped that I knew I wasn’t in any danger of being cut myself.
I still hope that I never have to attend one of those sabotaged labors that turns into a cesarean, but I know that it’s probably only a matter of time. As any mother or doula has learned, we can prepare for birth, we can increase our odds of a healthy birth, but ultimately there are factors completely out of our control which can dictate our outcome.
But after all that, even as well as I handled being AT the surgery, I can honestly say that you could not pay me a trillion dollars to have an elective c-section. No way. No how. I’ve often wondered if I could ever just say, “Screw the homebirth, just gimme a C and let’s call it a day.” But seeing it objectively just made me realize even more that this is not the quick ‘n’ easy process some people make it out to be. There simply is no “easy” way out of pregnancy.
Enuf said.
I have had three cesareans and with each one my fears got worse. I wish I would have had a doula there with me. At my last birth, I hired a doula, but she was unable to come. When daddy went to go be with the baby each time, I freaked out. I felt so alone. I wanted someone to hold my hand, rub my head, talk to me..something. I was a doula at a cesarean birth and I had the same feelings as you. It was a NEEDED cesarean and I thought it would bring back all of the feelings from my previous births, but I actually felt calm and needed. I sit with the woman and encouraged her throughout the surgery and even had to at one point be her voice. The anesthesiologist was a student and was on her phone (YES, ON HER PHONE!!!) while my client was throwing up and had excessive bleeding during the surgery. I had to more than a few times tell her to give me something for her to throw up in and even had to get her attention when they were telling her to administer pitocin when she started bleeding out. My client still thanks me and tells me how greatful she was for me being there months and months later. She said I was the only one that made her feel safe and when she tried to talk and no one would listen, I was there to get their attention to make her feel supported. It wasn't scary like I thought and didn't bring back bad feelings, it was empowering. Honestly, who knows what would have happened to her if I wasn't there and she had no one else there supporting her that day, but me...
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