…but I woke up with something missing this morning. Everything seemed normal, aside from this ridiculous cold I have in July. But there I was, drying off from the shower when suddenly I realized: I’d been burglarized.
My boobs are missing.
Just a day or so ago, they were there. The same C-cups I’ve had through the last 2 years of pregnancy and nursing. Not even 48 hours ago I stuffed them into a swimsuit I was trying on. I remember them being there.
But today? A cups. I’m truly not kidding. I’m not even exaggerating. These are the kind of A cups that make people wonder if you may have been a Man at one point in your life.
I feel like I should file a police report. So, I consult the husband:
Me: “Do you notice anything missing?”
Him: “Like what?”
Me: “My boobs are gone.”
Him: “Oh yeah, I know, I noticed that yesterday.”
Me: “WHAT!??! You noticed!?!”
Him: “Yeah, it was strange – it only took about 2 days, but they went away.”
Me: *Gulp*
So I’m not just imagining it.
Add this to the column of Totally UnGodly Yet Perfectly Natural Weird Ass Things That Happen to A Mother’s Body. Apparently my chest got the hint that I wasn’t nursing as much as I once had, and it decided to lay off at least 80% of the Milk Production workforce. This comes as quite a shock to the system. Just when I thought I had gotten used to my body doing all sorts of unexplained things, it transforms itself completely overnight. I give up.
The most frustrating part of course is that I need to go drop money on all new brassieres now. Though I suppose "they" are so little now, I might be able to get away with wearing only a couple of Band Aids and a tank top.
It’s a really good thing my husband is not a boob man. I had A cups when he met me, so he knew the Baby Boobies were probably only a temporary toy. My rear end is the reason he married me. But I swear if I woke up tomorrow missing my booty, he’d probably have divorce papers messengered over to me by the close of business that day. I suppose if there's a silver lining in this anywhere it's that, thankfully, I’m the only one of us who cares that my chest took off and left me.
Of course, now I’m wondering if all my recent weight loss only came from the upper half of my body. That sure would explain a few things…
Being a woman is just all kinds of bat-shit crazy.
Oh, this it too funny! I am expecting my boobs to do the same, had A's -- assume I will get them back. In the meantime, I am enjoying every milk-swollen cell of my boobs. Is that why I am still breastfeeding an almost three-year-old...? No :)
- spam
- offensive
- disagree
- off topic
Like