I'm the mother of two sons as well, and this issue has been an ever present thought in my parenting.

A lot of it comes down to the way my husband treats me. How do my sons see a man treat a woman? Do they see a man and a woman who only do certain things around the house? Do they see a woman being subservient instead of an equal partnership? Do they only see a woman cleaning, cooking, etc? We try to avoid delineated chores in the hope that it becomes an non-issue.

My boys can play with anything they like. Even though cooking and kitchen toys are clearly marketed to girls, my youngest was thrilled to get a set of mini pots, pans, and utensils for Christmas. He spent most of today "cooking" beans for me to try.

It's incredibly important to me to raise sons who love, honor, respect, and value women as equal partners.

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I completely agree with you. We try to model balance with our boys. Forgive me for not making a whole lot of sense in the rest of my comment lol.

Dad takes an active role in raising, taking care of, feeding (except for the baby who is solely breastfed), changes diapers (and washes them), babywears, and more with the baby.

He teaches my oldest son about fixing cars and home theater (his field), how to cook, how to do laundry, I teach him how to fix computers, how to clean, reading/spelling (I am VERY strong in this area where as Dad is very strong with arithmetic), and more.

We made sure my oldest son is aware that it is OK to cry. To tell us when he is upset, angry, happy, etc. So many young boys/men stifle their emotions so much that they go YEARS without a single tear because they grew up being told only girls crying, they were being "wussy" or pathetic.

I grew up in a household where my brother was given trucks, tools, lincoln logs, art supplies, the freedom to play and create outside, anything that used his mind and hands, where as I was given barbie, "play" makeup, plastic phones, and was told to be quiet and stay clean.

I see my niece being raised in a similar situation, most of the clothing is pink or with Disney princesses, the toys are generally from the "girl" isles at the store, they would NEVER consider getting her a tool set, playdough, toy cars, etc.

It drives me insane that even in today's "advanced" age, it's still conform or get out according to society.

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I think you are spot-on! It never occurred to me that when my husband and I had children that there would be "woman's chores" and "man's chores." Instead we have chores that I do well, in my case making the baby food, baking, bathing the baby, and chores my husband does well, like laundry, putting our son to bed at night, and cooking. And sometimes we swap. When I thought about having kids I just thought about skills that I would want my children to know, regardless of their gender. I want my kids to be able to cook, do their own laundry, change the fluids in a car, change a tire, balance a checkbook, etc. Right now I have a son and I will probably be getting him a baby doll for his 1st birthday. I plan to get him a kitchenette set when he's older too because, like you said, I believe that childhood play has an impact on what happens in adulthood.

I just turned to my husband and asked "What would you say if I told you I plan on buying our son a doll for his birthday?" and he replied "I'd say ok, sounds good to me." At the same time, while I want to expose my son to "girl" things and "boy" things, I also don't want to force things on him one way or the other. "If he wants to play with trucks, then I think we should get him trucks. And if he wants to play with dolls, we should buy him dolls." my husband said. "We should expose him to many types of toys and play so he can decide what he wants and know it's all ok."

But it's not just about toys. These kinds of conversations need to continue with age. We need to look for opportunities to help our children question gender stereotyping, whether that's from what we see in the media or in our social circles. We can't expect that our children are never going to be impacted by gender stereotyping, when they are getting it from many places at a young age (like the red & blue wagon of blocks vs the pink & purple wagon of blocks), but we can expect that they can overcome those stereotypes and be well-rounded.

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One of the things that seems so insignificant, yet bothers me so often, is colour-coding. Blue for boys, pink for girls. My now almost-teenage brother was born after two sisters, so there was a lot of pink in the house, so my mom put him in pink tights and onesies as a baby. And people STILL stare when I tell them this. But I can assure you, he did not suffer any psychological damage from this. I also used to work in a daycare where we had a basket of extra mittens and hats to lend out, and I don't know how many times a child would simply refuse to wear something because it wasn't the right gender-coded colour, even if it was the only thing available and the alternative would be being cold. I'm not saying children can't have preferences in what their favourite colour is, and I also don't want to limit those that really do want to express their inner pink girl, but when the boys think that putting on a "girl's hat" is something wrong, and awful, and worth fighting over, I wonder what made them get tot that conclusion. What's so bad about wearing something/doing something associated with girls? Is it because girls are less important somehow, less valued? Or the children have been raised from a very young age to believe that they have certain gender roles and that stepping outside of them is risky and dangerous, at the age of 3? Maybe we think this is harmless, because the boys don't want to be girls and the girls don't want to be boys, but I think that just because it's limiting both genders equally, it's not necessarily better. Also, we may want to consider the roots of the gender-coded colours – I once heard that blue was a boy's colour in western cultures because it meant protected by god, and since they were valued more, the boys were put in blue. I find it difficult to imagine an equal world built on unequal building blocks.
Also, the colour thing can be used as a metaphor for the greater gender equality debate. You'll see girls in blue, or pretty much any colour, but it's much rarer to see boys in pink. Girls can wear pants, but how many boys in skirts do you see? The feminist struggle has opened up the male sphere for females to enter into, but it's still considered "weird" when males try to enter the female sphere. Because the female sphere is still considered having less value.

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Response by: FeministBreeder on: Dec 27th, 2009
Twitter: @feministbreeder

I totally agree about the color coding. I really dislike the way that everything appears to be either pink or blue. Try finding a sippy cup that's not one or the other. Can't their be any color neutrality in childrens' items?

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Response by: chris on: Jan 6th, 2010

I agree with most of what you are saying, except for your last thought. As a straight male and a father I would argue that we are raised to fit within the confines of a particular box called maleness (strong, resiliant, silent, etc) and when we do anything outside of that box society and our fellow males suggest we are less than a man. I don't think it is about whether or not we can venture into the female sphere, i think it is about whether or not we can enter the gay male sphere. The strongest insult that can be hurled on the playground is the suggestion that a boy is gay, even before we know what that means or care. What we do learn is that when someone is called gay, they are somehow weaker and less male than the norm and that is not acceptable. I hope that this is changing on the playground today, but in my day, the suggestion of gayness was cause for many a school yard fight to defend one's "honour." So i would suggest that as a part of raising sons, we need to ensure we are raising them to believe that being gay is just as normal as being straight and that doing work sterotypically defined as women's work is also normal.

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I see where you're coming from, and why it's important to your husband and you…but I have a 22-month-old daughter who could care less about cars, trucks, trains – typical "boy toys." She'd rather be setting up her dishes, playing in her dollhouse or reading a book. It's not to say that we haven't tried to get her to play with toys that are gender-specific, she's just not interested.

When it comes to activity, however, she is all boy. This girl loves to climb, jump and summersault her away around the house. She loves going outside and getting dirty. Nothing makes her happier than rolling in the mud and the muck. Would I prefer her to be a little neater, cleaner and less rambunctious – hell yes! But that's not who Sadie is. So in the meantime, she'll be in the backyard making mud pies with her tea set.

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In our house conversations will often go like this: Son: hey mom, look at that guy (in the magazine), he's wearing a dress Me: yep. in that culture men usually wear long clothing that looks like a dress. seems like it would be nice and cool for the weather, hey? isn't it silly how in our culture we say men always have to wear pants. Son: yeah but in Scottish culture men wear kilts too. We are always framing things in terms of "this is how this culture does it", including thngs like colors… "why do you think our culture thinks that pink is for girls" I'll ask sometimes. We get really interesting answers occasionally! And while I don't believe in a blanket "everything that every culture does is just fine and dandy, regardless" (female circumcision, anyone?), I like to try and point out things that are done because they are CULTURAL and not because that is the way things are.

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it keeps saying my comments are too long! lol here is part II

We do this with bottle imagery, or hospital birth being the cultural norm, etc. What I am trying to give my sons, and now my daughter, is a sense of being able to separate and tease out those things that are happening because they are natural and those things that are happening because our culture encourages them to happen.

A few months back, we bought our daughter a kitchen set, a nice wooden one. And yep, parts of it were pink. Didn't really bug me. But what did suprise me were the comments from those who didn't know our family very well, "oh how NICE, now you FINALLY get to buy a kitchen set after having two boys". Uhhhhh what? Both of my boys had kitchen sets of their own as well, they were just really worn out after years of play and we needed a new one for our daughter.

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Ok one last comment… yes, I splurged and bought my first son this awesome dollhouse. It was plain wood and he loved it. What he loved most of all was taking the wee pretend vacuum and chasing the family in it, pretending that it was a big snake and it was going to eat them. And he loved taking a car and driving recklessly through the house "oh no! watch out!" as it careened through the rooms.

I really had to let go of my ideas of how the "right" way to play with traditionally gendered toys were. It didn't mean my boys would grow up to be raving wifebeaters because they didn't want to put the dollies to bed. But I did nurse my fair share of animals and inanimate objects for both my boys when little.

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I am raising three boys as well….and was raised by a second wave feminist who did it all & then some. She was both and at home mother when we were younger, then a part time worker, then a grad school student and now has had an extremely successful career. My father's career and temperament did make some of this possible – while she did the bulk of the baby work when we were younger, their roles shifted as his career developed and he had more independence for form his schedule…we moved to New York City where my mother declared her independence. They were able to send us to a small private school – with hard work, scholarships, etc – all three of us went there all day…and so began my mother's freedom. My father pulled the after school duty most days, dinner some nights. It was a dramatic shift for our family, but I admire the way they let things change & didn't let inertia decide what family life would look like.

My three boys are far from typical boys, but still I find myself actively intervening – pushing against the mainstream, so they feel at home in this world no matter their interests. My husband is an artist who has a strong streak of nurturing in him, so that is an excellent model for them. I do struggle more, probably, with allowing the more typical boy behaviors and interests – and not vilifying their sword play or pirate explosions – as they did more cross-gender or more gender neutral play when they were a bit younger. When my now 5 year old was less than 2, my sister sewed him a baby sling just his size. We were expecting again so I was carrying him less. He opened it, popped a baby doll in there and went into the kitchen and began to shuffle canned goods around on the pantry shelves in a sincere attempt to cook with a baby in his sling. My littlest is 3 and still plays with babies – as does the 5 year old. My oldest is 10. Right now I guess we are focusing more on how he treats me – and other women – making sure he cleans up after himself all the way, since he can independently grab a bowl of cereal, he must also independently but all the bits away – including, if he notices the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, empty it so he & all of us can start loading it again. If I can teach my boys that there is no woman walking around behind them for life cleaning up after them, I will feel proud. Of course, that is very carefully balanced with the actual reality that Matt works many hours, I am mostly at home & very often they see me cleaning more. In some ways we have to re-create and fight against out own system. It's hard but worthwhile.

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Agreed, as another mother of two sons. It certainly is just as important that the boys grow up not fettered by assumptions based on gender as the girls are. I do do tradtional female things…stay at home mom who sews and cooks but I also do a lot of that 'other' stuff. My husband is also very involved in parenting.

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Although my parents – especially my father – raised me to believe girls can do anything and taught me to fish, shoot, change the oil or fix a flat on my car, and use power tools, they forgot the reverse. My brother can’t do a lick of “women’s work” and was never encouraged to try. As the wife of someone who was also raised that way I feel the best thing I can do for my baby boy (and possibly his future partner) is teach him that housework is just as valid an endeavor as work outside the home. It’s sort of ironic that my life as a stay at home mom allows me the opportunity to teach my son “women’s work” while my husband’s job is a mystery to the baby.

Luckily my husband’s ineptitude is limited to laundry and cooking and he excels at baby care. He’s changed at least half the diapers in the last 9 months and done 80% of the bath and bedtimes.
Suzanne´s last blog ..Silent Night

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My husband and I made a conscious effort before we even had kids to split up the domestic chores evenly between the two of us. To this very day, he still does the dishes and most of the laundry, and I do the house-cleaning and most of the cooking. Once we had children, the childcare duties that *could* be split up evenly (i.e. diaper-changing, bathing, feeding solid foods after six months, etc.) were. And I think (or at least I hope) that the kids see now domestic work simply as that, and not work that is solely within the sphere of "women's work."

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I'm also trying to make a conscious effort to "de-gender" my kids' interests *in my own mind*. My four-year-old boy, for instance, is very verbal and loves to arrange and organize and "make up movies and plays" with his toys. Sometimes he's setting up an army of pirates and a pirate ship, other times he's talking about his love of ocean animals, and still other times he's "making up movies" about fairies and unicorns.

My 19-month-old son, however, leans more toward physical play that involves tools and building. Sometimes he's playing with the kids' workbench, other times he's pretending to use a vacuum cleaner or a broom, and still other times he's playing with my make-up brushes. (Continued in next comment…sorry!)

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that their *general* interests and ways of playing seem devoid of any gender-stereotypical significance. Sure, the *objects* they play with are often associated with "girls' toys" or "boys' toys." But as I see with my own kids, a boy who loves arranging and organizing can do so with pirates AND fairies, and a boy who loves playing with tools can do so with a toy hammer AND with a toy vacuum cleaner. And allowing them to be themselves in this way is one of the best things I can do to respect who they are and what they like.

(That's all!

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As I type this, my son is playing in the dress-up clothes sporting an old girls' soccer jersey with the logo, "Belles of the Ball." lol

I find family really tries to push the stereotypes on my son. We try to counteract that at home. "Boy toys" intended only for my son become communal toys. None of the kids realize certain toys were given only to their brother.

One story that sticks out in my head is when my daughters were visiting a (male) cousin and they were all playing with toys. My daughters were 5 at the time. Their cousin was 4. Girl2 had the helicopter and their cousin started throwing a tantrum because he wanted it. My MIL took it away from my daughter and gave it to the cousin saying, "It's a boy toy anyway." G-d bless her! My 5-year-old then turned to her grandmother and said, "There's no such thing as Boys' toys or Girls' toys."

I put legos on the kids' wishlist. I noted next to each gift who they were for. The legos were for all three of the big kids, but I really wanted to put the note, "These are for all of them, but I might as well just put my son's name because you're going to do that anyway." I thought that would be too snarky, though. When the legos arrived (with only my son's name on the box just as I predicted), I took the tag off and let all of them open the box. They all play with them together.

When my son was a baby, we gave him his sisters' doll and I took pictures. My MIL saw them and asked in a snide tone, "And what did his father have to say about that?" Um…his father? The equal-minded guy who hyphenated his last name when we got married? He thought it was cute.

My son's favorite color is pink. We don't care. We've never made a big deal of it. My mother, though, was horrified to learn that her grandson likes pink and that we're not actively discouraging that. I find that attitude so bizarre because this is the same feminist woman who raised me to believe I had no limits. I attached coffee filters to G.I. Joe's back so that he parachuted off the back steps and I had the largest Cabbage Patch doll collection you've ever seen. I can't understand why my mother thinks the rules are so different for my son.

And I completely agree with the comment above about much of it depending on how the mother and father interact. My husband does more of the cooking than I do. We alternate between some household chores. Heck, all of the big kids do the same chores as well. The only division is based on age/ability, not sex. There is no "Women's work," or "Men's work" in our house.

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I am a mother to a 7 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. I have found gender-typing and training – as well as the assumption of a narrow heterosexual normative – to be far more insidious than just colors of lunch pails, who does what chores, and what toys you "allow" or buy for your child. It is reinforced on the playground, in the media, and in many families who may not even know, or care, that they are doing so.

For instance, years ago I was sitting at a playground observing all the kiddos of very young – newborn to two – children. And there were so many parents (mostly mothers) there with little girls who were constantly socializing their little girls as the girls played (or tried to play) – "Elsie, don't do that," "Now say 'Thank You'," and "You need to share that toy with her, honey." In contrast, the little boys on the playground were walking around and banging stuff with sticks and climbing on things and just being allowed to "be" without hardly any interference from their parents. But the girls were getting all sorts of constant social instruction, training, and haranguing. The differences were astounding; and no one there besides myself seemed to notice.

When my boy acts a certain way, some people are quick to say, "Oh that's so *boy*!" (by the way, I have heard this comment many, many times – but I've never). I can answer quite truthfully – "My kids have their own personalities, which comes more into play than their sex," because honestly, I have known them their whole lives and I have seen them as People first. I think we are still giving "boy" behaviors the easy way out – they are innate, hard-wired in, and cannot be tampered with much. Meanwhile we are still very much tampering with females – they are expected to be Superwomen these days, mastering both the career, their home, their appearance. I am glad the world has "opened up" for women more; I am sad so many women still are doing much of the housework if they partner with a man – and especially if they have children. I am sad so many women still feel so pressured to perform at high levels of perfection.

As far as my family goes: I think, as some comments have alluded to here, egalitarian treatment and feminist values can begin with the head of household and how he/she/they operate. My husband is expected to do his share of household work (and let me tell you, it took years to shed the guilty feeling I had that I even required this… it's an ongoing process). Our son is allowed to wear dresses – he went through this phase quite intensely a couple years ago – and our children, obviously, can play with pretty much any toy they'd like.

We also unschool, and I've found that has dramatically decreased gender-typing behavior and homophobic and sex-shaming language. We also do not have a television set which also chokes off the heavy gender-based marketing strategies that are *everywhere*. My kids are very physically active in sports and swimming. I've found investing our time in other social outlets besides school has made a big difference in my childrens behaviors, self-awareness, and treatment of one another. Unschooling is not possible or desired for other families; but it has worked well for us.

I also "self talk" a lot in front of my kids – I say things like, "I finished making dinner and got my writing done today – I'm proud of myself." I don't want to be, like so many women before me, an "invisible woman" to my family. I also want my kids to tune into their own voice – the voice that tells them when they are proud of themselves, or sad, or feeling uncertain, or happy. I've found my kids have a very high level of emotional intelligence and can express themselves accordingly. It's been wonderful to watch this process.

Good luck with the TLC endeavor!

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Response by: FeministBreeder on: Dec 27th, 2009
Twitter: @feministbreeder

Thank you so much for your comment! That's interesting that you also unschool. The series we're in will also feature an unschooling family.

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"The 2nd wave of feminism envisioned a world where women were allowed to do it all. Today, I see a society where women are often forced to do it all because our men haven’t picked up the slack."

WORD.

"Whereas some fathers would simply forbid their son playing with dolls, we find it a necessary step in any child’s development. The way we see it, if you raise a boy to believe that only girls play with baby dolls, then they are more likely to grow up believing that only women handle baby care."

Even more WORD.

You are doing such a fabulous job. It's exactly what I would be doing if I had a boy or boys instead of a girl. As such, I sometimes feel hopeless in the onslaught of the Disney Princesses and fairies and Bratz dolls and all things pink! Pink! PINK! Knowing there are kindred spirit parents out there like you gives me hope.

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I think it is great that you and especially your latino husband are okay with your boys playing with dolls. I have yet to convince my American born Mexican partner that is is okay for our two boys to play with dolls. While he is very open minded in other aspects of life, this is something that REALLY hits a raw nerve with him. He also gets VERY upset when the boys want to put on make up with Mami. Keep up the GREAT work…I don't know HOW you do it. I can't imagine having a film crew in my home a day after Christmas! xo lhr

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We have a feminine majority round here. 4 daughters 1 son. This issue goes both ways. Our son has domestic responsibility, enjoys cooking and spends a lot of time playing with his baby sister. We focus a bit more on making sure our daughters are comfortable doing typically male activities. Right now our 14 yo is rebuilding a Honda CRX with my husband in the garage for her 16th birthday.

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As a mom to both a boy and girls I have been fascinated by how they without influence from us have decided on what makes a girl and what makes a boy. I do think something needs to be done as so many men/boys have sensibilities or attitudes towards women and roles that were OKAY in the 50's, And our daughters seem MORE confused than ever http://www.canadamomsblog.com/2009/11/parenting-y... I do think that by having the opportunities to role play in all shapes and forms is key. As is seeing how their parents interact with each other too. They soak it all up.

However…my son wanted trucks and cars almost from birth. My daughter wants pink no matter what we do. But this doesn't stop us teaching them about a gender neutral world. Or at least a world of equal respect.

I HOPE that helps….

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As you know, i've been a single mum for almost 6 years now and i've always tried to instill gender neutral values in my son.

As far as chores go i don't think he has any concept of "women's work" and "men's work" as being separate. Mainly because he's grown up not having a father figure in the house so all chores are mine. Now that he's older he's thinking more in terms of "adult's work" and "children's work" because now he has the maturity and common sense to be trusted to do some chores safely.

When he was younger his favourite colour was pink. I remember how proud he was when a music group were visiting his nursery and all the kids got to pick out a t shirt and he chose a migraine inducing bright pink one. Sadly now he's at school he's conforming more to the colour coding stereotypes.

I'm still succeeding on some level however. He's got a Mickey Mouse that a relative brought him back from Disneyworld years ago, and it has been a constant favourite. At halloween he got a couple of small cuddly monster toys. The new additions have since been adopted as Mickey's babies and Mickey is a single dad according to my son, lol. I have a feeling if he does have kids that he'll be a very hands on father. My friend has a 12 month old baby and he's always wanting to feed him and change his nappies, it's very sweet watching them interact.

I think i've had an advantage because my both my son's childcare providers are run, in part, by men so that has dispelled any notions that childcare = all down to the women.

Anyway i hope this has given you get a flavour of these issues from a single parenting perspective.

Good luck with the filming!

Mhairi

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You hit the nail on the head with this post. I really think it's harder to raise feminist boys in our culture today than feminist girls. It's generally becoming okay for girls to wear blue and play with cars, but boys are still really limited in terms of clothing and toys. I always think it's a shame that women have worked so hard to become more equal, yet men are still limiting themselves and the next generation of boys so much by not trying to shed these restrictions.

The gender-coloring and division of toys that is still going on everywhere drives me crazy. For example, I recently noticed in a toy store that the girls dress up clothes (all pink dresses and Disney Princess branding) are called "dress up" clothes, and the equivalent for boys (with soldier and fireman costumes) was called "roll playing" clothes. Since my almost 3 year old daughter just started getting into dress up, I bought my daughter a doctor's costume and requested dress up clothes other than just dresses and jewerly. My daughter can pretend to be anything she wants, not just a princess, and boys should be allowed the same freedom.

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I do think that there is still a strong divide in the "allowable" behavoirs by gender, too. So many of the traits normally associated with boys applied to my girl since her birth. She is extremely active and physical. She is very persistent and intensly curious. We try to nurture all of these qualities and provide the outlets she needs. Generally, she prefers to be running around and climbing on things or racing cars around than sitting quietly playing with dolls. It's her personality, not her sex. I know that many people expect her to behave a certain way simply because she is a girl, but her father and I want her to be true to herself and we support her interests in all things. We think it will be equally important to support all interests our boy will have, too, even in dolls and tea parties.

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Now that we have a baby boy, I have begun to think even more about how we can raise him in an environment that is inclusive of all colors, toys and personality traits, not just those "acceptable" for boys for him and girls for his sister. I think it will be easier because of his older sister and the mixture of typically girl and boy toys around the house.

But how to combat the constant onslaught from the media, culture, marketing, extended family, their peers and just about everything around? We do model division of domestic chores, my career is just as important as my husband's, and his being a father and husband is as important as me being a mother and wife. But even my feminist husband who wears pink shirts and ties does not want to dress our baby boy in pink, not because he thinks there is really a problem with it, but because he doesn't want the world around us to label the boy or treat him funny. We are still trying to figure out how to navigate in the world around us while trying to raise both our children in a more gender-neutral environment. It's not easy.

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As I've mentioned, I have a 4-year-old girl and a 1-year-old boy. Aside from my actions, having an opposite-gender older sibling that he looks up to has certainly impacted my son already. He wears my daughter's dress-up clothes, plays with her dolls, and uses her play kitchen. And this year for Christmas Santa brought him a play broom, since he loves to sweep and he needed something more his size.

In our marriage, my husband takes on a significant portion of the cooking and cleaning. He does all the laundry and at least half of the dishes, for example. There are some gender divisions, mostly related to who is available for what, and the biological realities of breastfeeding, but on the whole I think we do pretty well. Or, at least, we view this as a goal of ours and we try, which I think counts for something, right?

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What I really want to know, is who assigns traits or behaviours (or colours) to each sex, and who benefits from this binary. Who says blue is for boys, dolls are for girls, being loud is for boys, playing nice is for girls, and who minds when these are not conformed to. Why should I care if some boy next street over wears something else? Well, patriarchy, is what. The system of coded gendered behaviour that awards privileges and oppression unequally depending on your gender – or well, perhaps I should word it differently. There is immense privilege that comes along with being a male, this hardly anyone can disagree with. But there is also immense privilege to being a female. Not the same kind, maybe not as much (well, definitely not as much), but still. Women have doors opened for them, women and children are something to be protected, pretty girls can use their attractiveness to get what they want, motherhood is considered sacred… etc. I'm not saying this to state that women have it easy, or that this justifies patriarchy, but just that it would be naïve to deny this. But these privileges, both for men and for women, are reserved for those who PASS. Fit the stereotype, behave properly, perform their gender appropriately. Girly boys and non-girly girls get excluded from a lot of these privileges – they're considered weird, don't fit, should just "act their place". The box is so incredibly narrow, and while it may work great for those who function well inside this box, I have no idea if that is 90% of the population, or 10%; the rest has to suppress significant portions of their individual self in order to get along in society.

The completely pervasive gender-straight heteronormativity is EVERYWHERE. Girls behave this way, wear dresses, and one day they'll grow up to marry a man and have babies of their own. Boys behave that way, and one day they'll want to kiss girls. And for many, this will be the case. But there are gay, bi, and elsewhere on the spectrum, individuals that are being raised in this society. Many children don't know what "gay" is until they're teenagers, even though their parents and their surroundings consider themselves open-minded and gay-friendly. And, for those even more unlucky children, there are those who are gender-queer. Both those whose genetics give them a mix of both sexes, or who simply feel like they're in the wrong body. What immense damage is this restrictive binary system doing to those who do not fall neatly into the pink or the blue box? And not only the extreme cases, but all the variations there exist of the human spirit and body? Is continuing the system of patriarchy really worth all this damage, all this lack of expression for ALL individuals?

I just wonder…

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As a Single Mama who was raised with He-Man, not She-Ra and GI Joe taking Barbie to battle Cobra's evil army, I feel every word of what you're saying. If there was a toy I wanted there were no boundaries for me as a little girl…they were just toys. My Dad did dishes and laundry and my Mom often fixed the garbage disposal without his help. So with that being said I want my son to see himself the same way I did growing up…I am the Monkey and I can do anything I want. My greatest challenge is raising him with someone who doesn't feel the same way and often find my parenting style a bit too crunchy for his taste. But we can only do what we can and keep fighting the good fight!!

Great post, Mama!

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What WordPress theme are you using?

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What I want to do is pull up a random day last week and demo a forex program for that day. Obviously, I can’t practice on the weekends otherwise, because the markets are closed. I know some online stock brokers let you go back in time and demo your strategies. Is there a good Forex site that allows the same?
best forex software

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I wrote a piece for HipMama about raising a gender neutral daughter….http://www.hipmama.com/node/43656... as I worry too incessantly about the beatdown her self-esteem will get from the dominant culture. But my son, a fourth grader, recently announced to his bus stop peers that his favorite color is pink, adding proudly that pink is a color, not a gender. He's learning by example.

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Hi I’d love to thank you for such a great made site!
Was thinking this is a nice way to make my first post!

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I know I am late to this post but I just found your blog through a friend and had to comment. I love your approach on this subject!

Gender neutrality in parenting has been a big deal for me personally since I was a kid. A lot of the ideas I had based on my experiences were cemented during my study of sociology and psychology in college. I think the biggest thing that hit home for me was the idea that boys are often raised to not take no for an answer whereas girls are taught that politeness is important. There is an interesting correlation between those ideals and the incidences of date rape and such…boys are essentially taught that no doesn’t actually mean no, so it is any wonder that the message can be twisted in that way?

Anyway, when I discovered I was pregnant, my husband and I decided not to share the gender so as not to receive a flood of “boy” or “girl” clothing and toys. People got SO MAD. It was amazing to us how important that is to some people. We were determined not to flood our child with images of what she/he should be.

My basic goal is to introduce my son to a variety of things and withhold the concept of what is for boys vs. what is for girls. It seems to be working well so far, if the recent picture I took of him in a football cap and a tutu is any indication…but seriously, he loves both princesses and tools. Even when I buy things like pull ups, I have gotten both pink and blue and he gets to choose what he wears. I support his interests as they come and let him explore as much as possible.

Thanks for spreading the word on this parenting approach!!
Ewokmama´s last blog ..New Parent Transition

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I am raising a daughter and 2 sons. We’re expecting boy 3 any day. I’m a stay at home mom. My husband is a soldier. Doesn’t get much more gender stereotyped than that I suppose. But my husband changes diapers, and washes dishes when he is home, even though I do most of it out of necessity. My children see me handle car care, lawn mowing and emergency room visits when dad is away. I am not subservient, and actually make the majority of daily financial decisions. We trust each others’ judgment,argue respectfully and make choices jointly when we can. My daughter loves princesses and ponies, but she also plays basketball and legos. My boys have dolls. I don’t know if I am raising feminists or not. But I am trying very hard to raise human beings, free to be themselves at any point on the “gender spectrum”, and unintimidated by others who do the same.

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This is also how our home runs, unfortunately, our home life isn’t the only influence in our kid’s lives. But, certainly, I feel the most important. Max and Bella are very conscientious of their gender divide already, despite doing everything mentioned in this article. If those are your two boys pictured, they are still very young, yet. My kids … were “gender-free” {or at least they were encouraged to play with toys they wanted to regardless of which sex the toy was “made for”} until they hit pre-school. Pre-school made the great gender divide for them, both teachers and other students. We can’t afford to send them to a private or special school that would be conscientious politically and socially the way we are. Now, we talk about gender but Max is not buying what mama says at this point {he’s five}. I figured their parent’s relationship and all our talks will have some kind of positive impact on them. I hope! I use everything as a spring board for conversation, TV shows, commercials, colors, ect. It will be an ongoing education on so many levels. I really want Max to understand and be conscientious of his white male privilege so that he can be a part of the solution to inequities in our society, both race and gender-wise – so there is a life-times worth of conversations right there. So much responsibility raising little ones into adults!

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Hey! I just wanted to say thank you! I think what you are doing is truly incredible. It is refreshing to know there are so many like-minded people out there! And to share it with the world is very brave! Hopefully, it will open people’s minds to better understand how crippling raising children in particular gender roles can be on their self-esteem, self-image, and their overall life choices. Entering relationships they are not happy in, jobs they don’t really like…etc. Our society needs to better understand that a person’s “sex” is defined by biology and “gender” is defined by society. I think you, you family, and your message are fantastic!

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I have a son that just turned 6 yesterday. For Christmas he asked for a Easy Bake Oven. Some of the men in my family siad “Why would you get him that?” Even my husband was not sure he should have it. I said boys bake too just look at all the shows on Foodnetwork and TLC. So I called my father and he was right on board. He also has a dress up box, with all kind of outfits. I had not clue that I was doing what you do untill I saw the show last week. I feel good about myself and my son. Thank you so much for showing that a doll house or an easy bake oven can be “boy toys” too. My son loves sports and baking and I think it makes him well rounded.
Thank You,
Diane E. Pannelli

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Fantastic post!

I have three sons and am trying to raise them to be very aware of the unique issues that women face and to also just be well rounded people, capable of doing a wide variety of things. From the beginning they have each had baby dolls and toy kitchens and vacuums. Now that my first two are older they help out in the kitchen and with the housework, just like my husband does. I think he is a great example for them in that he has always been hands on with baby care and housework, plus he’s a librarian which was formerly more of a womens profession.

I also talk to my boys about things like inequality, sexuality, and even menstruation. Knowledge is power and the more factual information I can give my kids the better equipped they’ll be in the future. I don’t get how anyone can think differently.

Great blog, very happy to have found you!

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I have two boys, and a third boy due in June.

In our house, everybody does everything. Some days, I cook dinner, and sometimes my husband does. When one of us cooks, cleans, does the laundry, tidies up, the children help with age appropriate jobs.

My sons, 3.5 yrs old, and 1.5 yrs old, play with all types of toys. My eldest, excited for the arrival of his new brother, has a baby named Luigi that he swaddles, carries, breastfeeds, changes diapers and co-sleeps with. He will also rock the baby if Luigi is “crying”, and will put the baby to sleep when he’s tired.

The lesson I have learned from this is to promote this behavior (and my youngest has modelled his older brother’s activities with the baby and has his own to nuture) and to let my son know that I think he will be an excellent father when he grows up. He agrees.

Neither child knows that any task or activity is male or female, because we’ve created an environment where no one does entirely one job (Breastfeeding doesn’t count! ). My son loves the colour purple and rainbows. Our toy kitchen has been the one toy that has not been put through the toy rotation because both boys play with it every day.

Both my husband and I “smother” the boys and eachother with affection, hugs, kisses, backrubs, gentle touches, to try and encourage the children to like to be touched, and to touch others, and we tell them that we love them often.

My goal/job/role as a parent is to create a person that is respectful of others, feels free to love and show affection for their partner, and to know that both sexes are as capable of doing anything.

I strongly discourage family members that try to place gender expectations on the boys(“Don’t cry. Only girls cry. Be tough!”) and am not afraid to tell them that if the kids need to cry, then so be it.

We try our best, and I guess we will know if we were successful in the years to come.

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