Well, my plans for a 2010 baby are clearly shot to shit. I really could have used the extra tax deduction this year too. At this point, I’m worried that we won’t even have the baby before the Hyphenated Husband leaves his job next year to start his very unpaid teaching hours. There goes the insurance that woulda covered my homebirth midwife.
But when I sit and think about the reasons this probably isn’t happening for us right now, a number of non-biological factors start to emerge. I’m a pretty big believer that the universe (not god, the universe) leaves me subtle clues to help me navigate this crazy life. No matter how badly I want something, or how much it sucks when it doesn’t work out, I always discover that there was some reason things went down the way they did. Everything happens for a reason.
So what is the reason I’m not getting pregnant? We’ve been trying since January, and so far, nada. Now, I know that the truly infertile people are probably throwing rotten tomatoes at their monitor right now, and trust me, I know we’re not considered “infertile” yet. However, getting pregnant has never exactly been a problem for us before.
The first baby was a “my-period-is-late-so-stop-and-get-a-test-OHMYGODHOLYSHIT-PLEASE-TeLL-ME-THOSE-TWO-LINES-MEAN-NEGATIVE!!!” sort of situation. Our second boy was well planned. Planned so perfectly, in fact, that we said we wanted to get pregnant in August and have him in May, and that is exactly what happened. We got knocked up on the very first try. Yep – we were those assholes.
But now, oh, the tables have turned. And I figure there could be several non-biological reasons that we’re not seeing the two pink lines.
One of them could be my Outlook Calendar saying,
“Uhhhh, Gina? Hi, yeah. What are you, fucking stupid? Do you NOT see that you have NO time to complete all the crap you’ve obligated yourself to do as it is?!?! Where exactly do you plan on fitting morning sickness and sleep deprivation and childbirth and all-night nursing sessions into this mess? Snap out of it, lady! We’ll never make it out of law school this way!”
Or, perhaps, it’s the memory of my second degree perineal tear, along with my cesarean scar, looking up at me saying,
“Uhh, Gina? Hi… remember us? Yes, darling, well, we wanted to remind you that if you put a baby in here, it’s gonna have to come out of here, and have you totally forgotten how that worked out the last two times!?!? In case you need a reminder, just glance down at your lady regions and we’ll wave to you. Hi!! There we are! The violent exits of those children! Now snap out of it, girl.”
And then, of course Murphy’s Law chimes in with,
“Come on Gina, you knew this would happen. Why did you go ahead and buy a new bassinett and $90 ring sling before you even got the positive test? Tsk, Tsk. Also? I know you desperately need some new clothes, and you know that I’m obligated, by the laws of irony, to save your positive pregnancy test for the day after you buy the new clothes and throw away all the tags. Go ahead – go shopping. I dare you.”
And of course, my waistline throws in her two bitchy cents with:
“Darling – we just got re-aquainted for the first time in nearly 5 years! We are finally back to a place where your prepregnancy pants will button, and you want to throw it all away?! How dare you even consider it! I will not stand for it. The answer is NO.”
As you can see, all these mother-effers are conspiring against me. Every month, they take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to my two pink lines, and turn on the dreaded menses hose. All I know is that no matter what the universe is trying to tell me, I still want another baby. Call me crazy. I’m sure I am. But I also figure if I want it this bad, that must be the universe telling me something too.
Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking…
At least you have two already! I've been trying and trying to no avail, even though everything appears fine in tests... I'm going to be 40 at the end of May, so I'm at the end of my hope-rope. Can't afford fertility treatments at the moment, so I'm guessing it's not happening for me...
I'm just wondering why it's not happening if nothing seems to be wrong!
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