I'm so glad I was nosy enough to follow a friend's facebook comment that lead me here. I'm almost 35, a full-time college student, feminist (with special interest in Relational Aggression) and a first-time mommy with a 2 and 1/2 month old daughter. My husband is on SSI disability and I was the main bread-winner for about seven years. I am just now admitting to myself that my anxiety has gotten bigger than I can handle on my own. I'm ready to start looking at my options.

This is the first time I've ever commented on one of your posts. I really understand how you feel. I had a very traumatic childbirth in May, wanted a natural birth and ended up with an emergency c-secion, among other things. I didn't even realize I was having any PPD issues until we got home from the hospital. I was having extreme panic attacks and could not deal. I was crying as I tried to breastfeed my colicky baby. I knew that I needed help - I was always in a highly agitated state and I was so miserable. For me, I ended up needing to stop breastfeeding, even though it's something I really wanted to do. I went on medication, that I'm still taking, and while I still have anxiety it's much more managable. In the beginning I felt like a failure that I couldn't handle things on my own. I am a perfectionist and am very hard on myself. I told myself that the most important thing for my daughter was that her mom is stable and happy - and I needed medication to get myself there at that point.

What I'm trying to say is there are so many of us that understand how you feel and it's very brave of you to be so open about it. For me - your post helps me feel less isolated and that's why I felt comfortable writing a comment. Thank you for this.

Thankyou for sharing this Gina.

Saw your doc appointment update; don't give up, find someone else. Maybe even ask about their experience with postpartum and breastfeeding before you schedule. This is a whole new process, one that takes time as well, but getting yourself back and regaining a sense of wellness and peace is worth the battle. You've come this far, don't give up because of one crappy doctor.

Think about discussing Lexapro with your doctor. It's a very specified mood stablizer and it does not numb your emotions or make you feel like a robot. The best way to explain it is - instead of being on high alert, you respond more appropriately to stresses.

I just went through a year of insomnia, 4 hours of sleep at most a night. Now I'm back to normal. It's worth thinking about...

I fired my OBGYN for being a jerk about my PPMD issues, too. Hugs to you for taking action to care for yourself.

Medication together with weekly therapy together with a support group together with a playgroup of PPD moms are the things that got me through.

NOTHING ELSE.

I needed someone to listen and I couldn't talk so that someone would listen unless I had the medication to help me put my thoughts together.

The medications were the bridge to get me to the other side.

Wouldn't have made it without all 4 of the above.

WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT.

I have never been here before.

BUT God am I glad that I saw a tweet about your post.

I write about my PPD and my anxiety regularly and how I thought I had beaten it. I survived and was happy in my recovery.

Then, two months ago things started to feel off again, but I ignored it. I didn't want to go back on more meds and I had beaten my anxiety and depression. I was a survivor!

My anxiety and depression got so bad that my family intervened and asked me to go to my dr because I was confessing suicidal thoughts to them. I couldn't stop my brain and the million thoughts that ran through it at 100 miles an hour, and I was exhausted.

I have since been for an assessment and am waiting to see a psychiatrist.

It's scary but the blogging community, my family, and my friends have been nothing but supportive.

You are doing the right thing and I know a billion people have told you this already. But just know that I am going through the very same thing and its hard.

I get it.

But I'll be here to hold your hand through every second of it.

Gina, I don't often comment here but once more your post hit home. I'm pregnant with number 2 (after a traumatic unecessary cesarean birth with the first), my toddler is a normal, very active kid and at 22 weeks I feel like I'm wasting away. I wake up feeling like crying almost every morning and the rescue and herbal teas are not doing their job anymore. I don't want to go on drugs. I'm seing a wonderful shamanic healer who's helped me in the past and hopefully that will be enough for now. But I hear you sister, thanks for bringing out something a lot of us hide.

You can always go to a naturopath and see if they can help first before going the drug route. Thats what I did with my depression. Take drugs as a last resort.

Good for you!! And find a good therapist too - much more effective than medications alone. You are in really, really good company. And the right combination can really help - Zoloft might not be the right fit, but there are a lot of options. Remember that it takes a while for your brain to recover - there are distinct physical changes in the brains of people who suffer long-term from depression and anxiety and they are reversible, but it takes time - medications and therapy are more of a long-term treatment than a first aid fix-up. And now I'm going to gently point out something that I've seen often enough in friends, family members and doula clients - when you were doing really well even though you had a very demanding schedule? That's not normal either. It may be that you were hyperthyroid; it could also be hypomania. Something to discuss with your doctor. :) And I'm sure you know all the other advice - eat lots of high-quality protein, get your omega-3's, use a full spectrum light in winter, prioritize sleep, get your exercise, find a support network, etc. etc. (preaching to the choir, I'm sure!).

Have you read the book, "Rebuild from Depression"? The author, Amanda Rose, used supplements and whole foods to heal her postpartum depression (which was quite severe at one point, I think she was even hospitalized). See: http://www.rebuild-from-depression.com/blog/

I've been suffering from PPD for almost 12 months now. Like you, I'm refusing to take meds because I'm breastfeeding. It's manageable but some days are really tough and there's a lot of crying. My son doesn't sleep through the night (although I've been to lazy to night wean, plus I am a shitty sleeper anyways), and I feel like my life was turned upside down when he was born. Like Jolene, he's been a little bit of a higher-needs child than other babies, although I wouldn't trade him for an easier one and I've never loved anyone so much in my life. Mainly my anxiety is related to feeling like I'm going to fuck him up. I don't feel worthy of being responsible for someone's life whom I love so much. Everything and anything that he struggles with I blame on myself. I take 100% responsibility for nearly everything in my house, it's just my nature, and whenever there's an obstacle with regard to our household or our child, I blame myself entirely. Also like you, I didn't grow up an ideal household - my mom was very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive as well. I'm fairly sure my upbringing is related to my post partum depression (although what initially got it going real bad was having my cat die unexpectedly just a few weeks after the birth of my son and then I had to go back to work full-time a few days later). Anyways, I'm sure I just babbled on more than you'd like to know. I do think that your upbringing probably relates to your feelings of depression. It's really hard to be a mom, especially when you're so passionate about it and Type A (like us). I really hope and pray you find a bit of peace.

I am in the process of trying to find a psychiatrist right now. Like you, I've suffered with mental health issues all of my adult life, but I've been in denial about it over the past year. My daughter is 14 months and I'm still breastfeeding and I just don't want to take anything while she's still nursing. But I've gotten to the point where I can't do it anymore. And yes, it's such a scary thing to admit. But I've realized that I need to do what's best for my daughter, not just what I think is best for me. I wrote about my experience here:

http://momentsofexhilaration.com/2012/01/04/in-a-d...

Congratulations! I sincerely hope that it helps. Much of my family (most, in fact) have gone through depression and anxiety, including anxiety-induced turrets, OCD, Severe depression, and a heavy amount of mommies in our family with depression following and during pregnancies. It is so hard to admit to needing help because many people have the false belief that it means you are "messed up" and that its a bad thing, when it really doesn't mean that at all. Great job, and thank you for sharing this with others who may be going through the same thing!

Good job for realizing that you can get help and doing it, and recommending for your friend to get help too. I just recently sought therapy after years of emotional problems that I thought were just 'who I was'. It took me realizing that I am worth it, and that my family needs me to be more balanced. The therapist congratulated me and thanked me for coming in, I was just like... ok.. haha.. sure.. ! Anyways, thanks for the inspiring choice and for sharing it. Mental and emotional health is something that I think is ignored way too much.

You are not alone. I have dealt with depression for 10 years now. I was on zoloft the first time, which also helped me increase my appetite (which was my doctor's way of helping me recover from anorexia without my knowing). I also went to a phsychologist once a week for about 6 months. By this time, I had stabilized and I went off the medication about 8 months later. Two years after being off the meds, I had a serious breakdown (in which I had to stop working) and I have been on Effexor ever since. Through the remainder of my university degree, through my first year of teaching, though all of my pregnancies. Fortunately, my DH is a pharmacist, so he was able to watch for all the right signs and side-effects. I tried to wean off of it completely when my first child was 9 months old, but that was largely unsuccessful. I am still on it now, and as much as I would like to think I could cope without it, I don't think I could. I have always been a depressive sort of person, and I resisted seeking treatment as a young adult, thinking that the medication would stifle my intense artistic/creative juices (I used to write a lot of poetry and music). Sadly, I don't write as much music or poetry anymore, but I am pretty sure that has more to do with being a SAHM while working two part-time jobs than anything else.

This must have taken such courage to admit...to yourself, let alone to share with others. Always trust your instincts, Mama, and never be ashamed of asking for the help you need to be the Mom your kids need. Good luck! *Hugs*

(((HUGS))) You just took such a HUGE leap in your recovery, BRAVO!!! It takes courage to do that. You are going to get better!

thank you for sharing your story. it is good to know i am not alone--even though i hate for anyone else to feel this way! just this morning i had myself locked in the bathroom hating the world. i have struggled with anxiety all my life. now that i have two active little boys & a newborn baby who survived a very traumatic HBA2C birth, some days i have no idea how i am going to make it through & my only motivation to survive is so that my children won't be motherless. i took zoloft for awhile after my second boy was born & i ended up at the doctor's office convinced i was having a heart attack & then convinced i was having an ectopic pregnancy. mine is made worse by my tendancy to isolate myself. i am in therapy now, but i still tell doctors that i'm "okay!" when they ask.

Gina,

THANK YOU! I am so glad you are seeking help.

I've struggled with depression since I was a teen and suffered really bad prenatal and postnatal depression and anxiety with both my children. I've since realized by tracking my moods (I use http://moodtracker.com, but there are all sorts of handy apps and sites that help you do this) that my "baseline" is mildly to moderately depressed with severe depression right before and during my period. I've decided to seek help for this as well, as I realize that I'm not really enjoying or appreciating my life or those around me. I wish you the best and commend you for taking this step!

I've been seeing a psychotherapist for a number of years, but resisted taking medications. I have had a modd disorder since I was a kid. Like you, I had a bad experience with Zoloft years ago. I did take Wellbutrin for a while after my daughter was born, to deal with PPD and PTSD. But I didn't stick with it, because I didn't want to be on meds. I'm a Reiki teacher, and even I get caught up in, "I'm a holistic healer; how can I take meds?" But this past summer was really rough and I finally had to accept that all of my other support mechanisms were helping - but not as much as I needed them to. I realized that they would actually be more effective if I just took the meds and got myself stabilized. So, I started taking Wellbutrin again and noticed a difference in TWO days. It was a very humbling moment for me - and also a relief. I still deal with anxiety, which Wellbutrin does not treat, but I feel like I have a better handle on it since I'm not sliding as far into that deep dark hole of depression. I know what I can do to work through the anxiety (and if worse comes to worse, it means I'll just clean my house - a lot. LOL) It takes courage to admit you need help. It's the sign of a strong, empowered person to say, "This is what I need" and go seek it. Good luck!

thank you for sharing this.

I know a lot of women, myself included, have needed to take that crucial step you are taking by going to see your doctor and haven't. I hope you know the strength needed to do so and find some sort of relief for the stress and anxiety you've been experiencing.

So many women responding, echoing the thoughts and feelings you've written here. I've been struggling with mental illness all my life. After ten years of suffering, I agreed to see a doctor and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and panic disorder (added PTSD after some later life events, woohoo!). Even after I was diagnosed, I fought the 'labels' and medications for years. I thought it was ME, that I should be able to fix it, that I didn't NEED medication. And when I couldn't fix it, well that just made things worse. Why was I so weak, such a colossal failure that I couldn't be normal? I've had a life to be grateful for. We were poor, but I was so lucky to have a family that loved and supported me; so many people don't have that. As I got older I did go through some terrible things, but I couldn't forgive myself, feeling they were all self-inflicted.

It's still a battle, really. I have found stability in the past, found acceptance that I am what I am and that the chemical setup of my brain causes my reactions. I was able to take medications that, for a time, brought me to the only time in my life I actually knew what it was to be honestly happy. I'm not there now; I have a 3 month old son and am battling PPD and PPA along with my other disorders, and because I'm so determined to breastfeed, my medication options are limited. I'm obsessed with SIDS. I often wake my son at night because I become convinced he's not breathing and begin to panic, I HAVE to touch him, HAVE to see him move, react. I put gloves on him at night now because one night his room was cool, his hands were cold, and I just KNEW when I touched him that I had lost him. I've redeveloped agoraphobia; I hate being around people, hate going out, begin to feel panicked if I'm forced to be around crowds, especially alone. My grades have slipped, I cry, I get SO angry, I feel like a failure, I'm disgusted with myself, my body, my incapability to do everything. I'm about to change psychiatrists as my current doctor has no postpartum experience and really seems unable to handle my case effectively.

Here's an irony. I'm a psych major, and I'm still fighting all this. We're not weak. We're not failures. Hell, getting help is the strongest choice at this point. Getting help is HARD, admitting we need help is hard. I'm proud of all you ladies taking the steps you need to, whatever they are, to get healthy for YOU, and for your loved ones.

Mental health issues are "all in your head" like diabetes is all in your pancreas. No health issue can be reduced so simplistically. It's great to see smart, high-achieving people publicly acknowledge their mental health issues; it's the best way to destigmatize these issues. As far as treatment, drugs work well for symptom management, but a lot of evidence suggests that drugs and therapy in combination provide the best results. Have you looked at the literature on mindfulness meditation for treatment of depression and anxiety? There have been quite a few studies done that find positive results. If you search PubMed for "mindfulness meditation and anxiety," then click the "Review" link under "Filter your results," you'll get a series of literature reviews on this topic.

Gina, I would say that I wish you speedy healing but I know from experience that anxiety can turn out to be the tip of an iceberg, so instead I will say that I hope you find some peace, and soon!

You know that mirror thing you described? I'm kind of feeling it just reading your post.

I have always thought that sometimes just saying everything out loud to the entire world, whatever that world might be, is the first step to kicking the demon's ass. I am high strung. I am a worrier. I am anxious. But I also know that I am human and as normal as anyone else. And I have always thought that as much as I would rather not be this way, in all honesty I would rather feel to much than not feel enough. Best of luck to you.

Friends keep asking me if I would have any problems being treated medically for Diabetes or arthritis. Isn't this so much the same thing? Just a thought.

Gina, good for you for taking this step to help yourself be healthier. Someone very close to me had a very major depressive episode a decade ago. I did not realize until later just how bad it was. As a result of seeking help, my loved one was put on anti-depressants - a fairly high dose to start with. Twice over the years my LO attempted to wean off, with the full support and under the care of a doctor. LO couldn't - depression started to creep back in. So, LO is on the lowest dose possible of the meds, and the family considers it to be in the same class as any other drug that a person might need to correct a malfunction (diabetes, thyroid, etc.). LO's brain doesn't produce quite enough of (insert med speak here), so it is supplemented. Pharmacists and other medical people are surprised at how low the dose it, but it is enough to keep LO healthy. And if it is a lifetime thing, small price to pay for mental health is our opinion (and a long twisty path we took to be at peace with this opinion, actually), compared to what the alternative is.

For those who say that trauma is at the root of it all and major therapy is always required to treat the underlying issues - I call bullshit. Sometimes, body chemistry is what it is, and it needs a bit of a supplement in order to function at optimal levels. I thank the goddess that we live where we have access to many alternatives and options. I am not saying that therapy is never an answer, but it is definitely not *always* the answer, and should not be treated as such.

Wishing you all the best on this journey Gina. You are an inspiration to many. Feel better soon.

Thank you Gina. If it helps, I'm seeing my Dr on Monday for the same thing - and I'm already on the drugs! Here's hoping we both get the help we need.

oh my goodness, such huge virtual hugs from me. I don't know you, but relate so much to your experience. What is it with us women who make excuses about getting help? My grandmother is bipolar, and since childhood, I've watched her deny, deny, deny. She has always refused to admit her "problem" and instead finds other things to blame it on. And here I am, 32, and doing the same thing :) I won't admit that this is "chemical" or "genetic." Instead, like you, I think it's societal and personal - if only society would be more supportive and better to mothers. If only I would exercise. If only I could learn to relax....I think your committment to getting help will influence so many of us out there who also need the help. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!!

I'm so glad you're finally taking this step, Gina. God knows you've tried every other avenue available to you, and that's commendable, but there is nothing wrong with talking to a doctor about this, no matter what the outcome is. I hope this is the first step to feeling so much better soon. Just remember, it will probably get worse before it gets better... or you'll at least have some bad days along the way. I have, but it's still so much better than living with that horrible anxious feeling and the never ending images of people dying. You know how to get in touch with me if you EVER at ANY time of day or night need anything. ((hugs))

I'm here to recommend checking out the work of Arthur Janov, especially his book, "The Biology of Love."His work is helping me understand the physiology of my anxiety and my entire psychological make-up. (Years ago I did try Prozac once, briefly. But like many allopathic solutions, this was an attempt to treat the symptom without discovering the cause. I'm convinced that tracing my feelings to their roots will ultimately help me more than simply alleviating the manifestation of distress.) My birth-mother felt ashamed and, "like a slut," while she carried me in her belly. She held me for a few minutes before "surrendering" me, (the legal term for relinquishing a child for adoption.) I spent the next month in a hospital before being released to a foster home. At seven months, after a ten-day hospital stay for orthopedic surgery, I finally met and went home my 'real parents,' my adoptive family. Essentially, I'd had three mothers by the time I was eight months old. (!!) -It wan't until the 1990's that research revealed the effects of such a disrupted early life. I've spent decades and many hours in therapy as well as reading and learning heaps on my own, trying to understand my life-long, hair-trigger flight response, low-grade depression and until recently, unrecognized chronic anxiety. When I learned the term, "dissociate," -whew! -What a light-bulb moment. I am now coming to terms with the fact that having been adopted wasn't, "how it all started." It started before I left my birth-mom's womb, and was compounded by the experience of having been abandoned twice, -right after birth and again at seven months.

I remember your post about bundling up the baby and making the trip across the street to your son's school with all three children in tow. -I believe it was in that post you detailed having been left to fend for yourself while your grandparents were at work. This makes me wonder what else you endured in your early life, before that time. Lastly, a huge, heart-felt thank you for sharing your experiences, your wisdom and your vulnerability, in TFB. You are uber-smart and articulate, Gina, and your ability to share your perspective through your writing is a gift to us all. You are a feminist icon, dontcha know ! (I say this with an outpouring of love and support.) You and your family are such a fantastic example to me of how, "family can be," Keep up the oh-so-vital work of birth educator, doula, and women's rights activist! Your diligence, courage and perseverance lend strength and hope to many!

Gina, I too have struggled with depression/anxiety through both of my pregnancies, postpartum phase and weaning. I hear you! I was treated with a variety of drugs, from Przac to Gabapentin (actually works well in a pinch) to Ambien and finally.....the thing that worked for me was bioidentical hormones...the very last thing anyone tried. I had psychologists, counselors and doctors working with me over the years. Some said things that were totally inappropriate to say to a new mom ("Take these drugs. You can just feed your baby formula. Millions of babies are on formula and they're fine.") and some were VERY understanding and helpful.

Now, I am very vocal about my PPMD in the hopes that other women will know they are not alone. Many of the moms where I live—Spokane, WA—have realized that we don't have good resources or support for new moms and we're about to change that.

Thank you for sharing your story. You are a powerful voice in the mothering community and this will mean so much to so many people. Keep talking about your experience and asking for help from professionals, family and friends. It does get better. I promise.

Thank you for sharing this. Reading this seemed like reading my own life story. With my background in psychology and social work, I've come to understand that people are a complicated mix of experiences and the impact those experiences have on emotional AND physical development. As you have shared before, you had a rough childhood filled with a lot of situations that would be highly anxiety provoking (not knowing who will take care of you, how you will eat, if you are safe, etc.). While you have used those experiences to become strong, independent, and driven, those experiences also likely changed your brain in a way that causes the anxiety issues you have today. Your family is actually right (only not in the way they are intending the statement) that it's all in your head. It's likely in your brain, but not just as an "idea". Your body automatically reacts to stress in a way that causes anxiety attacks. This is obviously affected by hormone levels, diet, and general health. I never wanted to be on anxiety medications either, but I realize that I have done as much as I can without something to help balance out my involuntary physical reactions to stress. This time in my life, as yours, is crazy busy. To be the best mom, wife, employee, student, friend, person I can be, I have to be on some medication. It has helped me to realize I am not a failure just because I can't do it without medications but rather that my body just requires a little help like anyone suffering from any other chronic medical condition would. No one faults people for using insulin. I am glad you are seeking help and sharing this journey with all of us. This is powerful and helpful for more people than you probably realize.

It can be so incredibly difficult to deal with PPD - it adds an extra layer of stress to everything. I had it with my first child, but it was manageable, then with my second child it was worse and I couldn't deal. It's the reason I won't ever have another child, as much as I would love to be pregnant and nurse again, I cannot risk the aftermath.

The best thing that ever happened to me though was getting help. Reaching out and reaching up for the many hands that were waiting to help pull me out of the deepest, darkest recesses was the absolute best decision I ever made. I was surprised how many open and willing arms there were.

Asking for help was the hardest and best thing I ever did tho; may you find the same.

Gina I am glad that you posted this. I have been feeling this way since my daughter was born just a month after Jolene, and recently I find myself snapping on the kids, and being extremely short with them. Between you sharing your story, and Jill at BabyRabies.com I feel comfortable asking for help. Thank you!

When we were talking about this the other day, I could tell you were on the cusp of deciding this. I'm glad. Especially having a child who doesn't sleep (but you don't know what *that* is like, do you?!) sometimes the anxiety on top of the fatigue is so overwhelming. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to think my PPD/PPA is coming back. Everyone reminds me that I have "good reasons" to be anxious/upset.... my mom was recently diagnosed with an illness that is terminal if her latest treatment fails to control it. My normal babysitter got a full-time job. I haven't slept in 2.33 years. I've been trying to get pregnant for 13 months with obviously no success. My husband's school district keeps dwindling our benefits, and making us pay more, even though he makes less than he did when he started teaching. I could go on and on, but there's really not point. Yes, I have reasons to be anxious, but I don't think that it's normal that it consumes me as much as it does. I understand your struggle so much more than you know. It's figuring out that next step that is so unbelievably difficult. And that's where I am now. I'm just glad that you decided to take that step. :)

Good for you, TFB! Sometimes the mos self-empowering thing we can do is ask others for help. Wishing you the best of luck with your journey, and sending well wishes to your friend Liz as well. I'm glad you have someone who is going through similar things to help you through this--people who have never experienced anxiety/depression really don't know how to help (despite their sincere desire to) and that can be very frustrating for all parties involved. I know that finding friends who have had similar issues to mine really helped me work through my own mental health struggles, and I hope it helps you on your road to recovery. You can do it!

I completely understand. I don't make this public, but I started seeing someone a few months ago. I had put it off for way too long for *exactly* the reasons you listed. Things have improved greatly since I started. I'm not taking anything - so far the visits alone are helping. Take care of yourself - it's the best way to take care of everyone else.

A combination of counseling and medication is what works best for me. Now that my son is nursing less, I think it's time for me to revisit how much of each I need. BTW, I was on Celexa through my entire pregnancy and through breastfeeding. At 8 months old, my son is thriving mentally and physically--probably from having a happy, attentive mama!

I think it's a positive thing that you're seeking help. It does not lower my opinion of you in any way. I remember when my husband was serving in Operation Iraqi Freedom and I was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. It took a lot for me to see a doctor and start meds. And at that time I had no kids, was not in school, and had only one job! Good luck getting better. And I mean that sincerely.

I have had anxiety and severe depression since my oldest son was born. The drugs never worked on me and I always stopped taking them. Therapy was always the one thing that got me through. Different things work on different people. Don't let the doctor decide what is best for you.