Warning: This Post Rated “R” For Excessive Sarcasm, Swearing, and Snarkiness.
I know I already slyly announced my pregnancy in one of my BlogHer 10 posts, and on Facebook, and on Twitter, but there still seems to be people who haven’t heard the news. Each day a new person pops up on Twitter or Facebook and says “What? You’re asking about prenatal vitamins??? Do you have something to tell me?!?!” So, I suppose that means the news deserves its own post.
I’m having a whole range of emotions about finally being pregnant. For the first 5 minutes after seeing the second line, I was out of my mind ecstatic. Then, after I’d told some people, all the sudden the reality of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Ah, motherfucker…. I’m gonna have to BIRTH this thing!!! Crapping God Dammit.
Then I realized that I’m going to get fat again. Right before I went to New York I bought some punk rock clothes that made me look like my bad-ass punk rock (read: skinny) self again, and now that is all shot to shit.
See? Hot. Smokin' Hot. And Now It's Over.
Oh wait, is my vanity showing? Deal with it, dude. There’s not a woman alive who doesn’t prefer to feel good about the way she looks, and I don’t think that undermines my feminism in the slightest.
The next day I was in the back of a cab feeling so nauseated that I wanted to strangle the life out of the driver for swinging the cab through the streets like a maniacal douchebag. Then I remembered that I will have absolutely no control over when or where I get sick for the next few months. Spontaneous puking is on my horizon. Son of a Biscuit Eater.
An hour later I informed the Hyphenated Husband that instead of walking around New York and enjoying our vacation, I was taking a nap. There was no stopping it. My body went into shut down mode, and resistance was futile. Pregnancy means I am no longer physically able (and shouldn’t be willing) to operate on 3 hours of sleep a day. I also cannot mainline Starbucks anymore. (insert various expletives here.)
Growing a baby means I lose control over my body, my schedule, my diet, and nearly every other aspect of my life. I know some people are saying “Seriously Gina, you didn’t think about this the entire 8 months that you were trying?” To which I would say that, yeah, duh, of course I thought about the birth, and the pregnancy discomfort. and the weight gain, and the loss of control. I thought long and hard about all of that stuff before we decided to start letting sperm run loose in my vagina. However, after 8 long months of trying to conceive, the focus became less about being pregnant, and more about seeing those two lines that I longed for. This has also been the most stressful month in probably the history of all months ever, so it never occurred to me in a thousand years that my body would pick THIS month to start building a human. My timing is truly impeccable – if by impeccable you mean Excellent at Inconvenience.
As a matter of fact, my friend heard the news and sent me a text message saying “Ha! I guess all those people who told you that you needed to relax to get pregnant clearly have NO idea how your body works!” Yes, which reminds me – thank you a-hole naturopath. I guess contrary to her diagnosis, eating crap and never getting any sleep is exactly what my body requires to conceive. I should have known. That’s exactly how the last two were conceived.
Seriously, I can’t even believe we found the time to knock me up. Between the flood and all the other stuff, we only got busy twice, four days apart, during the week I ovulated. I was also too busy to chart last month so I can only guess which day I actually ovulated. Isn’t that a pisser.
I was actually so convinced that I wasn’t pregnant this month that I swore I felt my period starting, and tweeted around asking for a DivaCup at BlogHer.
Then, the next day I stocked up on tampons from one of the Expo booths, AFTER I sent my husband to the store to buy me an 8-pack of Tampax. I really, seriously, did not see this coming this month.
And? I’m truly nervous that this one won’t stick. I never felt that way before, but after taking so long to get knocked up, I really feel like I have a near 100% of losing this bean. While I was taking that nap I mentioned above, I had a horrifying dream that not only did I lose the baby, but I could see his face. And yes. It was a boy. I have terribly vivid dreams anyway, but during pregnancy my dreams become completely surreal, and very hard to forget when I wake up. They’re like acid trips on steroids. One more thing I forgot to look forward to! *Awesome*
Also, when I woke up from that nap, I told my husband I smelled cigars. He said “Okay, that’s insane, because while you were napping I went outside and just walked PAST a man smoking a cigar across the street – just walked past him – that’s all.” And yet I could smell it. I forgot that Pregnancy Nose smells everything in a five mile radius. I think this is actually one of the up sides though. I could go get a job at O’Hare airport sniffing luggage for bombs and drugs.
So here I am. Pregnant. I don’t know for how long, but hopefully until Mid-April 2011. And even though I wanted to be pregnant more than just about anything, I reserve the right to tickle your funny bone (or just my own) with my constant pregnancy-related sarcasm and complaints. I also reserve the right to be scared out of my mind about the birth even though I’m a childbirth educator who should know better.
I will bitch. I will moan. But in the end, I’ll pull it all together. I always do.
So did you get a Diva Cup before getting your news? LOL!
I definitely support menstrual cups--I got a Keeper over 10 years ago, and LOVED it. Of course I eventually needed to replace it, and I did try a Diva Cup for a year, but then I recently got a Lady Cup, and like it much better. There is a whole blog about various cup options that is a great resource when you need it: http://menstrualcupinfo.wordpress.com/
On the "things you don't need because you are pregnant now" topic...I had a friend who had gone through years of fertility treatments with no baby, had a rough patch in her marriage, and when they worked things out and were ready to start trying again, she went to her fertility Dr. who told her "come back when you have your period." Well she never got her period...got pregnant "naturally." Buh bye Dr!
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