Haa haa.. "rap music."  awesome.
Thank you for sharing that. It helps not to feel alone (even if your
husband isn't the one sharing it.)

Okay. So I'm commenting v. late. Because you linked to it in your "WOHM" post. I hope you get this, and it finds you better that the winter-y Christmas-y mindset you were in.
I mean, the time when once again M. and I almost ended our relationship. Because holidays are just that hard.
Am I married to you, Gina? When you wrote the blog about J + K and relationships, I thought I might be. I've thought often what it means for a man to express his anger versus the way you did; the politics of anger and feminism. He's much like you. Only fewer objects and more door slamming and rap music.
And he didn't have the exact same upbringing. He simply had a mentally deformed mother who beat him and his brothers with whatever was nearby. And blamed them for everything. And starved them. And when he was abused by a friend of hers for 4 YEARS and finally told her at age 12, she didn't believe him. The guy was put away for 30 years.
I shouldn't be sharing all of his personal stuff. But it's ours now.
*And I cannot believe what a good father--what a good husband--he is.*
And people like the both of you continue to keep me in awe.
A writer's joke: "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel." I'd be lucky if you two would make a cameo. And show the f-ing world what can be done.
Thanks for sharing.

I have no family either; I'm an "orphan by choice" myself. My parents are still alive...as far as I know, anyway. I haven't spoken to my father in well over a decade and my mother in well over a year and doubt I ever will again. I do get lonely and heartbroken during the holidays, though generally I'm in denial about that. It is horribly lonely. It is especially hard sometimes when you're married to a man that does have a family dynamic going on. My current husband, however, is the same kind of "orphan by choice" as me--the family's so bad that one finds one is better off without 'em. It makes us appreciate each other more than I think the family-blessed can really understand. It sucks; I wish I had anything better or more cheery to offer. Mostly I look forward to being a grandma in a decade or two. :)

I haven't read your email yet because I've been busy with finishing my independent contract for school, but I'll get to it. Also, I came across this post and I can't help but to say a few things:
1)WHY did your mom NOT give you up for adoption? While this is a hard thing to do, it, in your case, was also the RIGHT thing to do. My cousin had a kid who is probably the same age as you and as a 15 year-old, she knew that she couldn't give her son the best. Instead, despite the fact that her mom and even herself would have loved to keep the baby, she loved him too much to make him suffer. Today, if you ask her about this, she will tell you that while it was hard for her, she has no regrets.
2) WHERE in the hell were your grandparents at the time of your conception? Did they even give a shit about their children? Could this have been prevented if they were better parents?
3) I HAVE NOT SEEN MY PARENTS IN 3 YEARS (ironically this anniversary is actually today) and it saddens me since they have made absolutely NO effort to come out here or to help me buy airplane tickets ($$$ expensive, especially if you're a student). They just go on with their day, the same as the one that came before it, and that is that. Oh, and I'd also like to briefly mention that for my last birthday, my fiancee's family gave me more than my own parents (and keep in mind that I'm an only child).
4) GROWING UP I WAS ABUSED, both physically and mentally. I was physically abused my other classmates who were allowed to get away with treating me like shit (which is probably a good reason why I HATE Brookfield). I was also physically abused by both parents, but it was 75% of the time that my mom would lay the smack down. I remember those moments after the event has taken place and thinking, "What can I do now? I'm stuck within this small house and there's jack shit that I can do about it." I can definitely say that my mom was abused, too, and that my grandma, mom, and myself all suffer(ed) from Borderline Personality Disorder- which would explain some of these actions.
5) Right before you got married there was a online guest book type of thing and I remember reading your mom's entry that said something along the lines of, "When I gave birth to you, I was supposed to be ashamed and sad but instead I was very happy." Hmmm....
6) Hey, you and I could be in the No Parents Club (which would include parents who are totally MIA when it comes to their kids- like my parents)!
I remember going to a friend's house that was across the street from my house and their tiny house would be filled with TONS of people (did I mention they are/were Italian?). This happened for the holidays, First Communions, birthdays, etc. I always wanted that but I haven't even come close to my old dream. With the only uncle I ever knew (or remembered) dead since I was 10, my only grandmother has been dead since I was about 12, and my grandfather died 5 years ago.... well, that's most of my family and that's also all on my mom's side. My dad's mom died 10 years BEFORE I was born, my dad's dad doesn't exist, and his only brother died when I was about 10 from Black Lung Disease (he was a coal miner in West Virginia). Add too all of this his 2 other living siblings who rather not give a shit, and there's my family. It consists of my dad (borderline diabetic, former alcoholic, + he suffers from high cholesterol) who is 59 and my mom (blood-clotting disorder since 21 yrs of age- almost died twice from this, high blood pressure, etc.) is 53. That's it. I named some of their ailments because I wanted to get the point across that they can 'go' anytime now- especially since they are also obese.
Damn I'm fucked and have been fucked for a while now.
**************
Anyway, I wanted to type all of this because I want you to know that despite the fact that you've gone through more shit than I have (which, of course, also extends to having to deal with Courtney Love for more than a day...), well, I've not had things easy and some of the feelings that you possess I do in some form, as well.
I thought your entry was BEAUTIFUL and maybe if you tweak it a little, you can get it published. By reading it, I was able to feel how you feel, if only for a moment or two.
No more yapping on and on and on... yeah, but YOU have a larger direct family than I do at this point in time.

Thanks Michelle,
I hear what you're saying about being a mother yourself and not being able to understand. My MIL asked me once after Jonas was born whether I could cut my own mom some slack now that I was a mother. I told her "Are you kidding?!?! Now that I'M a mother I realize just how awful my own mother was!" I can never imagine treating my children the way she treated me. I could never imagine abusing or abandoning them. John's family just doesn't understand why I have no contact with my mother. They can't fathom my upbringing. She once told me I was the abortion she should have had. Right before my wedding she told me she wished I was dead. Yeah. Awesome mom.
I know I'm doing a better job with my kids... and sometimes that's why it makes it so hard to understand how she could be so awful. It's just depressing.

Wow, Gina, I had no idea....I am sorry about your mother and father--about how you grew up. Your mother was young, but being a mother myself, I just don't get it....
My husband endured similar circumstances (lots of neglect and eventually foster care) growing up and every now and then he will say what you are saying. He says having his own children is really making him look at it so differently...so much harder to take sometimes.
If you haven't already, talk to your husband--let him be that shoulder to cry on.
One thing is for sure, you are a kick ass mommy, you work hard to have a good life for you and your family. You are NOT like your bio mother AT ALL. Your little boys will never have to feel like you did.
(((HUGS)))