I'm a bit baffled by this. If "full time mother" is somehow offensive, then it is equally divisive for mothers who don't stay at home to call themselves "working mothers" because that would be implying that stay at home mothers don't work!

I agree with you. Now can you write an article about how stay at home moms work just as hard as every one else? I once had a comment from a family member about how I was "on a permanent vacation".

Sometimes I wish I had a job outside of the home so I could go to the bathroom alone. ;)

Honestly? I'm not even sure I care what you label me, I'm just SO OVER having to defend my choices. It's beyond ridiculous the way that we (collectively, as a society) judge mothers, especially when we don't judge fathers in the same way.

My choices are nobody else's business outside of my immediate family. So call me whatever you want IN YOUR HEAD, but otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.

I think that the concept of getting hurt/outraged/uptight about how anyone else chooses to self identify is ridiculous ~ unless one is insecure about their choices to begin with.

FTB - Did you even READ my comment or while reading it were you just thinking of what you could say back? Because your response looks as though it should have gone to someone else. Saying I'm confident in my role and that i don't care when mothers use the term "working mother" certainly doesn't mean I'm defensive about what I do. What I'm defensive about is other mothers being all up in each others business with a bunch of unnecessary nit-picking. And not every mother agrees with you on here. A lot of people think you're being hypersensitive. Hell, one mother up there even admitted to being a part time mom and not feeling ashamed about it.
Lighten up. Pick your battles. This whole debate is obnoxious.

And PS there is such a thing as a part time mother - I've seen plenty of them growing up. That and full on absent mothers. Just because you give birth to someone doesn't make you a FULL TIME MOTHER!

I'm responding more to the comments than to the original post, I admit: My father has said to me on several occasions "I sent you to a fancy schmancy university and you got a degree in electrical engineering just to stay home with CHILDREN???!!!" He doesn't quite get it. It's hard for him to understand how I could be OK with losing 60% of our family income "just" to stay home with kids. (Yes, I do miss that income dearly!)

I don't hold it against him. I told him he gave me a great gift. The twelve years I worked in my profession and saved helped me stay home with my tiny tots for the past 8 years so far, and for that I am extremely grateful for his help.

I've always wanted to mother (and be a professional). In a few years I will be back to the workforce full time putting that degree and others to good use, but probably not with my before-kid intensity and focus. My priorities are much more complicated now.

On the flip side, when my Dad visits us he inevitably adds "you can't spend your whole life in the house, you gotta get out and do some things with your life and start your own business" but also says something like "this is a crazy world, look how good it is for your kids to spend time with you". Maybe at some level he does get it, 'cause he's not exactly wrong.

There is so much guilt associated with motherhood. Much of it is what we allow ourselves to feel. And, it seems like women constantly compete for the title of supermom - whether they're SAHM's or work outside the home. The truth is, you're right, moms who love and care for their kids - working or not are all full time moms. Well said.

I think some mothers are trying to ward off the stigma that can still come with being a SAHM. I know, being one, I have been giving the looks or heard the comments...the ones that make you feel like you don't work because you stay home. I don't stay home with my kids because I'm not smart enough or skilled enough to get a job, but that's how some people still view us. But I agree with you. Even if I DID have a job outside the home I would still be a mother to my kids 24/7!

I just tell people that I'm not doing any paid work at the moment, am home looking after my kids.

We women really should be less judgmental about others and free ourselves from our biases that often relate more to our insecurities about being good mothers - constantly comparing ourselves to other mothers to comfort ourselves that we aren't the worst out there. It is easier said than done, because at least for me, as soon as I became a mother I haven't been able to shake mommy guilt. I never had wife guilt, or employee guilt!

I wonder how the dads identify themselves? Do they feel like part-time dads or full-time dads with a paid first shift and unpaid second shift? We should ask them!

To TFB :
Okay, this is a response to a response written to me up there but for some reason I can't comment directly underneath it.
I would like to point out that you say it is insensitive for a stay at home mother to call themselves "full time mothers" towards mothers who work outside the home. You say that we should watch how we word things so as not to offend other mothers. From what I understand you are a mother who works outside the home or attends school or both - so you appear to be one of the mothers who is offended by that term. Well...what about all the things you say about the things you are passionate about? Breastfeeding? Natural Childbirth? You give quite the impression that one is more superior to the alternative. Do you consider that be insensitive to other mothers who possibly can't breastfeed or endure serious medical complications that prevent them from birthing naturally? Do you worry about how your words might make other mothers feel inadequate, intentionally or not? Or is it okay to preach your beliefs because it is what YOU feel strongly about?
If you were and always had been a stay at home mother - if you had given up years of education and career to be at home with your children, I'd almost bet anything that you'd be arguing the other side of this debate.
Personally I feel breastfeeding is best for babies. And I prided myself on solely breastfeeding my son and never giving him a drop of formula. Am I allowed to be proud of that? Or am I suppose to "watch my language" in case I may offend a mother who couldn't or chose not to breastfeed?
I know that feminism is not about "doing whatever the hell you want" but I feel like when it comes to this particular situation, we do have the right to describe the role we play in our children's life however we want to.
I'm not going to stammer and stutter over how to describe my job because it might offend someone. I don't care for the term "Stay at home mother" because, like other mothers on here have mentioned, we don't stay at home. We are constantly on the go, visiting new places, touching the sand, putting our feet in the ocean, petting animals, blah blah blah. My FULL TIME JOB is being the caregiver to my son, and since I am his mother, I think I should be able to call myself a "full time mom". Because the bottom line is that while some mothers are working 9-5, stay at home mothers are wiping asses, blowing noses, making lunches, cuddling and rocking and comforting and teaching and reading during those hours. I'm not saying that one is superior to the other AT ALL. It's just the truth. Just like your breastfeeding post - it's the truth. Deal. with. it.
I sacrificed a lot to be my son's primary caregiver and I plan on doing the same thing when my daughters born this summer. And because of all my sacrifices, my dedication, my hard work, my devotion to this job, I'll be damned if someone is going to tell me what I can call myself.

p.s. Great quote at the end. Now I'll spend the next hour googling her.

I think there are various concepts of motherhood that can be distinguished. The two main types here are firstly the visceral life changing state of motherhood; of taking on the responsiblitly of caring and nurturing another life; of the weight and love that is being a mother. Secondly the practical arse-wiping, mouth-filling, clothes-washing, play-companion, tidy-cook-clean-and-more-arse-wipe side of motherhood. The second concept is the side that is comparable in content to paid work and that has always been so denegrated and unestimed by society. It is also the side of childcare that one can employ someone else to do (a nursery, childminder, cleaner etc)
I assume that all mothers embrace the first concept of motherhood, but not all the second.

If someone has ever said to me that they are a full-time mother I've only ever interpreted it as they do the whole domestic worker/caring thing (that they could have paid someone else to do) all themselves. I can understand that analogy and assume it holds no judgment on myself (paid worker). I can also see the implied insult if the inverse was assumed to be true (PT title) and applied as an insult, applied to the spiritual aspect. But I think it's possible to be over-sensitive here. If one wants to use the language of the workplace to portray a mother's work, something the feminist movement has pushed for, in it's bid to have the "work" element of motherhood respected, then conversely using workplace language to describe the division of hours spent at home is a logical conclusion.

I don't think the definitions and language around work and studying are useful when describing anything spiritual in any context. On a spiritual level I don't feel like a PT or FT mother. Simply "Mother" pretty much says it all, it's sufficient for me. One observation is that American mother blogs get more hung-up on this kind of categorisation.

On a slight tangent, something I find more troubling is that paying someone to care for a child is one of the worse paid jobs one can do. All the paid childcare scenarios (e.i. not family) imply that the work the mother goes out to do is better paid/superior in value to the cost of childcare. What does this say about our priorities in society? And perhaps as the USA has no statutory Maternity Pay, or a supportive state benefit system like lots of European countries, these inequities and divisions, and therefore the issues of categorisation, are more acute.

I haven't written a comment this long in bloody ages! I should add that I recently found your blog and am really enjoying the kinds of topics you write on. You write with honesty, challenging yourself and us to be more rigorous and actively think! Thanks

So true.

A couple weeks ago, I complained to my husband that "I don't think being your wife should be a full-time job." He asked me, "What, you only want to be married to me half the time?" And it's true, these things are relationships first -- relationships that go on 24/7, unlike a 9-5 job. A mother's a full-time mother even when her kids are grown. My friend who has lost two babies is a full-time mother to those babies, even though they no longer need anything of her ... she is still a MOTHER, and she'll think of them many times every day of her life. Becoming a mother changes you forever; it's not something you can do for awhile and then go do something else.

Now, I'm not a stay-at-home mom because we go all over the place, and I do have a part-time job that I bring the baby to along with me. So I'm always stuck for an answer to, "Do you stay home, or work?" I generally answer, "I stay with him full time," "I keep him with me full time." Because that is literally what I do. And then I explain the details if people care. Generally they don't -- they were just trying to put me in a box.

Are you ever blown away by how important, how epic, how - almost mythological we are and will forever be in our kids' minds? We are MOM with a capital MOM now and forever. It doesn't matter so much who we were the day before we became MOM, we are IT! Even kids who were adopted at birth go looking for birth MOM despite the care they received from their life MOM. If we are stellar, mediocre, busy, inattentive, attentive, healthy or warped, tender or abusive or all of the above, we achieve a status of colored stardom in our children's hearts and minds that lasts their whole lives. It's almost like a Clark Kent / Superman transformation. I was a daughter, sister, friend, engineer, guitar playing, reading, hiking, volunteering everyday kind of person. Now I am Mama - the legend.

I have used the term "full time Mom", not because I'm better. But because I am with my children full-time. I never thought of it as offensive. I have worked outside the home, part time nights and weekends ON TOP of being with my children all day. This while I was pregnant with my second. HARD. I have *never* thought of any one who works outside the home as a part-time Mommy. But they have a full-time job *and a title that goes with that* (and the stresses and sacrifices that go with it as well).

I'm not a better Mommy for working in the home...Actually I'm probably worse (some days). But I do it full-time. It's my life at this point in time. I will say I do prefer the title, "Domestic Engineer." I think what a lot of SAHM's rail against is the naive and idiotic question in response to what we do: "Oh so you don't work?" I just want to shake those people. I don't work? Have you hung around children for more than 5 minutes, keeping them alive *is* work.

Anyway. I get your point...But I still don't see the big deal is. Yes, we're all full-time parents, we're always thinking about our kids and wishing we were with them when we aren't...We can't be replaced. But working in the home is my full-time job. And it is a job choice (and sacrifice) that should be validated more by our culture. I would love to see some posts and things about THAT. Because it's not just staying home. It's a lot of work, and a work that in our culture leaves us feeling isolated and "lesser than".

Thank you for opening my eyes to this, Gina. I was talking to feminist author extraordinare, Amy Richards, tonight at a feminist event in Portland, about something very similar to that.

For me, when I first read the "Full Time Mom" statement, I viewed it as simply a way of saying "Hey, I still have a full time job, that job is being a mother, and it's no less valid than a job that pays and takes place outside of the home". But then, after really unpacking all that the statement means, I see how it could be percieved to be derogatory and devaluing towards WOHM. Especially when the implication is that WOHM are somehow less invested, or commited to their children and as mothers.

I'd also like to bring up the fact that my partner feels very similar, even though he is a father, and not a mother. His job doesn't stop at 9pm when he gets off, he then proceeds to head home and to fill the shoes of "full time" father, and to help me around the house, sometimes doing more than his fare share due to the mental health struggles that I face. He is also a "full time" father all day long as he is working his desk job. He always has our family at the forefront of his mind, and he always takes off work for any important events, or doctors appointments we have. I find it so encouraging that men are joining in on not just the fun, but also the work, the trials, and the achievement that comes with being an equal participant in childrearing and home managing.

We are all Full Time Parents :)

I don't often feel the need to comment on the Mommy wars but I do want to chime in with my own perspective as someone with a demanding full-time career and 2 children 21 months and 8 months. I would definitely say that I personally am a part time parent and I like it that way - I am not the first one called in case of a sick child - my partner and I trade off on-duty parent status and we have a nanny that rarely requires us to miss work for illness etc. I don't breastfeed or pump, the only housework I do is less than half of the cooking, grocery shopping and bill paying, and I am not responsible for arranging childcare. I hated being on maternity leave and am just not cut out for full time childcare. I totally support other womens choices to do what they want and call themselves what they want - but I personally have no problem owning my choice to parent part time, I also don't feel guilty about loving my career and not loving full time childcare and also expecting my partner to do half or more of the parenting. It works for us and our kids - who are happy and healthy.

That was a big well-written, needed-to-be-said-and-read, diffusing-the-non-existent-mommywars DUH!

Thank you for stopping yet another media-driven fake mammywar dead in its tracks. We are all moms all the time, doing the best we can. And supporting one another, too

I found out tonight that someone has done research which shows mothers with full time jobs outside of the home are coming home to do what amounts to a second part time job's worth of work in housekeeping and other home-related duties.
(The point of the study was to observe the differences in work behaviors and patterns between men and women.)

So basically, whether you work 16-18 hours a day as a 'home maker' or section your time between the office and the home, you're still working 16-18 hours a day.

I have to admit to not reading every single one of the comments above so hope I am not repeating a point already made.. but the 'full-time mother' label for stay-at-home mothers is some classist and historically inaccurate shit, too. (Though I admit to finding the SAHM label pretty obnoxious, also).

A whole class of women has never been afforded the luxury of choosing whether to be stay-at-home mothers or not (ie. working-class women), they have always combined working outside the home for money with working inside the home as mothers, generation after generation, and they are no less mothers than anyone else.

Plus, pre-dating industrialisation and the notion of a stay-at-home mother and a working-outside-the-home father, almost all mothers always combined work with mother-work. Some of their time was spent looking after babies and small children and some of it was spent producing food/clothing/shelter etc while older children looked after babies and small children. The idea that it is traditional for mothers to be identified as stay-at-home mothers whose work is not seen as part of the economy of food/clothing/shelter production etc has no basis.

If we properly valued the work of care and child-rearing (and child-rearing is the single largest contributor to human capital growth and economic growth of any occuption) then we wouldn't need to prop women up with crappy labels of affirmation like 'full-time mother' that both divide us and promote false ambitions for motherhood.

Thank you so much for this post. We're expecting our first baby this July, and we already know that because of my non-traditional job and work hours, my husband is going to be doing a lot of the typical "mom" stuff, and well I know this is going to be great for our son, I have trouble shaking the feeling that I'm not going to be doing enough. This post is wonderfully affirming, because although I need and want to maintain my career post-childbirth, I still want more than anything to be a "full-time mom" to my son. Thank you.

I was surprised to read a lot of the comments acknowledging that they too considered that saying FT mom implies other moms are PT. To me, FT/PT refers to how you spend your time, not what and where you are 'in your heart'. Yes, we all love our children around the clock (no brainer), but spend more or less time actively mothering them. Not to say that if you are with them every waking moment you do a better job, just more of it. I work part time so yes, I actively mother my children part time, and that's ok. While I work, I make sure they have the best care possible - a trusted friend. That does not make us, working for pay moms, worse or less involved. It really does take a village.

Oh my. You hit this one on the head for me. Shortly after my daughter was born, I went back to work. I worked at home 2 days a week and in the office 3, and it was SO difficult to balance. A colleague who works at a different agency, but with whom I work closely, asked my boss at one point if I wanted to be a 'full time mom' instead of working. She asked because I had to miss a council meeting since my daughter was ill, but I was PISSED. Partly because it wasn't her place to ask my boss such a thing, but mostly because I will NEVER be anything less than a 'full time mom'.

http://theazkahles.blogspot.com/2008/03/full-time-mom.html

I started to write a comment, but the words kept coming and eventually my comment became a blog post-response. If you'd to read it, you can do so here: http://beatniksbeatonlife.blogspot.com/2011/03/100-mom.html

:) Thanks for giving me something to think about.

I can't say as I've given it a whole lot of thought in terms of 'labels'. What I can tell you is that I am have gotten more than my share of flack because I 'only' work part time outside the home. First of all, I worked TWO jobs (one FT, one PT) and was enrolled in college FT during my pregnancy until approx 7 months then I quit the PT job, and school was on summer break. I worked my butt off (and so did my boyfriend) to pay off all of our debt (except my student loans). I had every intention of working full time after maternity leave, before I had my son. Our perspective changed and I still (20 months later) hate to leave him. We made some additional 'sacrifices' and thrifty cuts and we can have a good life with our income the way it stands.
People give me so much crap for 'only' working part time that it pisses me off, my latest response is something along the lines of 'Erik makes great money to provide for us, so I don't have to work 'too' hard' I know it's totally rude and a lot of people HAVE TO work full time outside the home. We both grew up with singles mothers, we understand! But the people looking down on me are just too damn annoying, as if I am a lazy bum or something. Also, I took a year off from school after I had my son, and the fellow mothers I have classes with tend to look down on me for taking the time off with my son. Drives me insane. Last week a girl asked me what I 'did' with all that time and I said 'oh, you know, I sat around at home nursing a hungry baby all day long' and she was responded with 'oh that's why I didn't breastfeed (while holding her chest protectively)that's just too much work and these things are mine, not anyone elses' I walked away.
We all do what we have to do to make ends meet and provide for our families. how about we get off each others backs, huh?

I'm a SAHM but I agree that moms who are employed are full time moms just like those that stay home with their children. But I don't interpret the term that way. To me, when I think "full-time mom", I interpret it as a woman that is usually with her kids throughout the day doing things like teaching and playing and what have you - basically a woman who doing mothering activities full time. I'm a SAHM and it bothers me when employed mamas treat SAHMs like they do everything we do and more. I think "full time mom" acknowledges that I make the sacrifices that often leave me bored and lonely at the end of a day filled with the alphabet and convincing kids to eat veggies and so on. WOHMs and SAHMs are amazing in their own ways. I've never used the term "full time mom" but I wouldn't be opposed to doing so. I wouldn't use it to imply that I'm better than a mom that works out of the home, though.

I may be a Mom without a W2 (ParentW2-) instead of a Mom with a W2 (ParentW2+) but we all work and just because I don't get a salary doesn't give me any right to WAGE a mommy-war ;)

Stop misplacing the anger, folks. Wanting to work and not having the access to quality care or even employment in this economy isn't any better/worse than wanting to be the readily accessible go-to person for the kids, but being in the first situation can lead to resentment that does NOT improve quality of care. I, for one, am angry at the politicians that made it way too easy to outsource living-wage jobs so that very few people have the CHOICE of whether they want to be an all-able-bodied-adults-earning-wages household or not, they need to be in order to fulfill commitments they've already made (home, car, kids, etc) often when their economic situation was in a better place (or looked like it was going to be). Be angry at the politicians and corporate greed that took away our choices and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, so our kids aren't serfs to corporate lords and masters.

Me, I have been trying to build a "tribe" of people who enjoy being around my family and are not at a formal place of employment/education during the day. They come hang out at my house, help with the kids, and lower their own utility bills (I am physically disabled, I don't get out much on my own and need to maintain a certain temperature in the house in order to not increase my physical pain). I absolutely trust these individuals with my children, they are family regardless of lack of shared DNA. My kids go out for walks and to the playground with them while I do some activism and such, and sometimes try to work on the Next Great American Novel, or catch up on world events, or take a nap.

Frankly, I am sick to the death of this "debate". It is a never-ending conversation (much like religion, pro-choice, etc.) That is not to say I didn't appreciate this particular blog. I enjoyed it. But what I'm saying is that, why can't women just give each other a fucking break? What makes so little sense to me is that other mothers are our biggest critics. I've mothers who stay home with their children insult women who work 40+ hours at a job. I've seen women who work insult the woman who chooses to stay home. She must be brainless. Lazy. Blah Blah Blah. Why can't we all just get behind each other and respect that being a mother is the hardest job in the world and we all do it!

Labels suck. Bottom line.

Although the other day, someone asked me what I did for a living and I responded with a "oh, I'm just a mom". It took me getting home to realize, WTF, why did I say that? It implied that my job is meaningless.

Wow, I'm going to change what I say.

I have always called myself a full-time mom because I didn't know what else to say. Housewife sucks, and stay-at-home implies that I stay at home and do nothing all day.
I agree that full-time mom implies that some moms are part-time. So not true.

So, what should I call myself? I'm going to have to think about it....