September 19th, 2008
Why Do Women Stay?
Message boards, especially the types that give a sense of community and friendship, are places where you can peer into the inner workings of people's lives. People say things on a message board they wouldn't say to their closest friend. People air their dirty laundry, complain about their husbands, give the intimate details of their grossest bodily functions, and generally provide full disclosure.
I learn a lot about myself through these posts, actually. But, I don't complain about my husband on the boards because frankly anything I have to complain about is chicken scratch compared to the crap most of these husbands are putting their wives through.
Over the last year, there have been a few revelations of cheating husbands on a particular board I visit. The intimate details of the affair, even the copy-and-paste text of the evidentiary emails have been posted for all to see. But it's funny how when the writing is literally on the wall, so many women look past the torrid affairs, listen to the lies their husbands tell, make excuses for them, and ultimately end up staying.
A while back, one poster in particular came to tell us her husband was going out on dates with a woman. Well, she didn't call it a "date." Husband just told his wife he was going to dinner and Salsa dancing with another woman, and when Wife asked to go with, she was told "No." She wondered (?!?) if he might be cheating.
Most of us told her the man was dating. But, he lied and said he wasn't. So she believed him. Fast forward a couple months, he admits he had innappropriate "emotions" for the woman, but says it never got physical. Again, she believed him. A couple of us told her to get tested for STD's, but she trusted that her husband had finally come clean. We all want to believe, don't we? Fast forward again, and she finds out through email that he did in fact have a physical affair. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire. Of course, many of us saw that writing on the wall from Post #1. But, she stayed.
Now there's another poor mom…. finds out through a mistakenly-left-open email that her husband is having/planning an affair with a mom in her playgroup. A married mom. She posts the torrid emails for all to see, and they make me physically ill. I remember what it felt like to be cheated on by my first fiance. It was a punch to the gut. I am hurting for this woman.
But of course, Husband says nothing happened, and nothing was actually going to happen, even though all evidence points to the contrary. It sounds exactly like those guys on Dateline who show up to the house with a box of condoms, and say they didn't plan on having sex with the 14 year old. Um, yeah right Dude. We're only one 'unfound' email away from learning that Husband and Playgroup Mom have been having sex all over this poor woman's house. I want to go over and kick her husband in the balls.
But, she doesn't change the locks, or kick him out, or take the kids and leave. She's hurt, but not planning to leave him. She clearly has more self-control than I do.
So it has me thinking. I'd leave John for far less than that. Heck, anytime he screws some shit up I'm packing my bags and looking for apartments online. Last week he used the wrong breastmilk (again, for the two-hundred-millionth time despite being told, and told, and told the RIGHT milk to use) and I was divorcing him again. Of course, that's a knee-jerk reaction to me being over tired and feeling like I'm married to someone who's so incompetent that they can't even remember what milk to use while I'm working all day, sitting in class all night, baking cakes for extra money on the side, and having my life run by my stupid mammary glands. Remember what effing milk to use is the LEAST he could do. Jesus Effing Christ get it together, I cannot do EVERYTHING ASSHOLE!!!!!
Haa haaa… see, I'm still mad about that. And that was only milk! Could you imagine how I'd handle something as serious as an affair?!??! Oh my god. I'd divorce him 10 times if I could.
So I just have to wonder, what would make a woman stay? Why do women put blinders on and believe the lies, lies, lies their cheating husbands tell? I mean, I know how convincing they can be. Men take some sort of course in denial that makes them geniuses at it. My first fiance tried to convince me "it wasn't me" when I had his affair on VIDEOTAPE (idiot taped it right onto a tape that also had my band's show on it.) Holy lord, you should have heard the shit he spun to try to make me believe that somehow, someway, my eyes were fooling me and my brain was inventing things. He'd have me suspend all reality to try to convince me that what was on videotape wasn't true.
And that's what these husbands do with the emails. No matter what is written, they spin it so that it can be interpreted like they did nothing wrong. But if total strangers on a message board can look at those emails and see that Husband is lying his cheating ass off to you, why can't the women who know them best?
I guess love makes us do silly things. And I guess that means I don't love John enough to believe any crap he might try to sell me.
BUT, I don't believe for a second that John would ever cheat on me. He's not that stupid. And he's got some weird love for me that makes him think I'm even more attractive now that my body is all baby-saggy. He still loves me even when I'm screaming that he's an "effing retarded idiot" because he can't remember to wash the junk out of the milk storage bottles before giving them to me (because, again, I can't freaking do everything.) This family is his entire existence and he'd never risk losing us for a cheap piece of ass. I don't even know how he could possibly have an affair when he never goes anywhere without us. We don't have lives outside of our family. We're always together. We've always been attached at the hip, and that's how we both prefer it (he moreso than I to be perfectly honest.)
But lemme tell you something… if that ever changed… if he ever looked elsewhere…. If I was ever in a position where I found a torrid email on our shared computer, I'd have him kicked out before I hit "Post" on the message board.
But that's just me.
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The thing that gets me is that these women (and not necessarily the women on this board- my last EC/PG was way worse) actually reveal this stuff on a message board then get defensive when others tell them their husbands/boyfriends/baby daddies are lying sacks of shit.
I know I’m just judgmental, but I’m of the opinion that if you have to ask strangers on the internet if your SO’s behavior is acceptable than it’s probably not. When your husband is going SALSA DANCING with another woman just call it what it is- foreplay.
If I was in the mood I’d dig up a post I wrote when I was pregnant with #1. I was summarizing some posts from my EC at the time. One of the women was married to a trucker and she had to clean his rig after he’d been with whores. Actual *hookers* and she still cleaned up his truck. Another woman’s husband got so drunk he pissed in their hallway instead of the bathroom. And she just cleaned it up because he was an artist. Where is the self worth? Seriously, grow a pair or borrow Hilary’s.
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Haaa haa.. “grow a pair or borrow Hillary’s.”
I try not to be judgemental either, but I just am dammit. I can’t understand it. You’re right, where is the self worth?? Like the woman who posts that her husband spends hundreds of dollars a month on beer, but oh no, he’s not an alcoholic. Okay, WHATEVER LADY!
Seriously.. why post it if you don’t want somebody judging your husband??
[Reply]
When it was happening to me it was only 5 months between the suspicions starting and my leaving. He kept telling me i was imagining things, even when he disappeared for 2 days over christmas. Anyway once i had the physical proof, the typical finding of receipts i was gone within 6 weeks once i’d planned my escape and sorted things out.
The point is that we’re fed this BS that single motherhood is the worst thing you can do to a child and an absolutely miserable existence. I left 4 and a half years ago and wish i’d had the balls to go it alone far sooner.
[Reply]
I should also update this post to add that the moms in the above story are no longer married to those cheating husbands, because no matter what he said, the affairs and general lying did not stop. Too bad.
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