This week, amidst worldwide reports from exhausted mothers and fathers everywhere saying that their babies refuse to fall asleep, like, EVER, U.S. officials have issued a large scale recall of all babies issued between January and November of 2011.
The commotion started earlier this month when a mother from Illinois says she took her daughter to the pediatrician after the baby decided that nighttime was the perfect time to throw loud parties. The mother told her pediatrician, “She’s BROKE. Fix her!” But the pediatrician just shrugged and said he’d seen many broken models this year.
After noticing thousands of exhausted moms complaining on Twitter and Facebook at 3 o’clock in the morning, U.S. officials decided to investigate the manufacturing process at Stork, Inc. They quickly discovered that this year’s models were missing the critical Go-The-F**k-To-Sleep® feature that causes babies to automatically shut off when they’ve received the correct amount of food and stimulation. Without this feature, they just stay awake. Like. FOREVER. (Except when you’re about leave the house.)
Officials at Stork, Inc. admit that they knew some models were being issued without the critical Go-The-F**k-To-Sleep® function, but were unable to slow production in this downturned economy because, quote, “Uuhhhh, this is how couples are keeping warm these days?” (with a wink and a smile.)
Parents are urged to contact Stork, Inc. to receive their free repair kit which includes an adult-sized bottle of tequila, ear plugs, and free access to a 24-hour support hotline where parents can talk to each other at ungodly hours of the night to keep the last of their remaining marbles intact.
No word yet how soon Stork, Inc. will be integrating the Go-The-F**k-To-Sleep® function back into the newer models. In the meantime, U.S. officials expect that newly-issued babies may lack the same feature. As an intermediate solution, HowToBeADad.com has begun production on “The world’s first non-habit forming child anti-wakefulness system,” lovingly titled “Tranquoo.”